Hey Babycakes

Here is the review you asked for, sorry if it is a bit late. I have actally read this poece before you asked me to review it, and noticed about halfway through.

Grammar and Punctuation:
So, you did a god job here, because I didn't notice anything major with your grammar or punction, only that you could have used commas in a few places to emphazise what you were saying, but I'll leave that to you. I didn't see any typos so great job.

Characters:
So, I kinda have a feel for your charcters as of now. But it is after all only the first chapter. I would like to have the charcters to be described more, but I guess that I could get that in later chapters. I really am curious to how they look. Also how they act more. On this I feel that I am jumping into the middle of something, and think that you should have a first chapter before this, unless this is a prologue, in this case, just ignore those previous comments.

Description:
I think that this story needs some more description. I want to taste, touch, feel, see the things and people around me. I want to be able to see it in my mind, and this is what a good novel should do. I have in alot of cases been able to do this, but I thank there should be more desricption.

Overall:
This is great, its nice to read a vampire segment taht doesn't at all relate to Twilight, so this is refreshing. It has potentail with some editing. So more description, thats about all I kind find that is major with this. So, good luck, keep this story coming. I want to read more. Let me know when you get more posted.
~Alyss

P.S a gold star for an original, different vampire story and such an amazing ending - it's such a shame you can't carry it on... or can you... Hmmm =P

--Lucyy xx

Heyy KaliaMarie - cute name by the way - here I am for your long awaited review; I'm just sorry I took so long to review this. It's snowing over here and my school's closed, so I'm taking this opportune moment to catch up on all my review requests, and you're first on my list!! I also haven't read the other reviews so I apologise in advance if I repeat anything that's already been said. Anywhoo, I think that's all, so off with the review!! I really hope this helps you out...

KailaMarie wrote:I couldn’t believe I was doing this. It was stupid, idiotic, irrational, and frankly stalker-ish. I’d almost thought I’d made a mistake when I saw that they had just gone to the movies,[replace with a colon to add extra impact to the next bit>>] a perfectly normal date. They came out just as they’d gone in, save Tyler’s jacket around her thin[comma] beautiful shoulders. It all seemed very normal. It was stupid of me to doubt anything.[replace with semi colon] I was probably just jealous.

[s]But[/s] [try to not start sentences/paragraphs with connectives - you can cut this one out as it's not really all that necessary] something made me keep going. Something made me follow their car again. Maybe it was the hair on the back of my neck that stood up whenever I saw her, or maybe it was the fact that she was driving--[you only need to use one hyphen] he never let people drive his car [same here >>]--or maybe even it was just that I was still in love with him, and going on a date with this random beautiful girl the same day he met her, and the same day he dumped me made me suspicious [this is a very long sentence - try to break it up a little, as sentences that are too long can begin to disinterest the reader, which we definitely don't want happening!! (: ]. Or insane. [Love it!]

[s]Because [/s] [again, unnecessary use of connective] Clearly I was insane. I was one of those crazy ex-girlfriends who stalk their old boyfriends and will eventually go completely mad, ending up in some institution. I mean I’d have to be insane, because look at what I was doing. I was stalking them on a date. [Try and cut down on the amount of times you use 'I' to start a sentence - I know it's hard but try and start your sentences alternatively]

* * * * *

Just that morning, everything had been normal. Tyler had driven me to school, like he had for every day for the past year and a half. He’d picked me up like normal [no need to reiterate the fact that everything was normal - trust your reader to remember the first time you said it, and try to avoid repeating yourself (something I do a lot) =P ]; the drive had been the usual: I put on make-up and he told me I was pretty enough that I didn’t need it. Then we were there [show instead of tell - show us that they were there instead of just stating it - paint a picture for your readers to see, also add in some thoughts/emotions of your MC too], and I got out.

“See ya later, Babycakes. Love you,” he said, just like every other day [b][again, no need to keep on telling us that everything was normal or 'just like every other day'], kissing my forehead since I’d just applied lip gloss.

“I love you too,” I answered [Now all this seems void of any real emotions - the scene isn't very 3D. You need to make this come to life. Make your characters seems so real and your readers thinking they're actually there witnessing all this. So, add in extra thoughts/emotions, any special quirks your characters have. Also, you say that they've been going out for a year and a half, so surely their will be secret jokes between them or something - try and add in extra things that makes the relationship between them both a lot more believable][/b]. I walked off, going to my first period class. And [another lucyy rule, never start sentences with And - try and avoid it wherever you can. It makes your writing look a lot more professional. You can cut this one out?] I guess, I should have suspected something after second period when he hadn’t shown up to walk me to gym--[again, only one hyphen is needed]which, by the way, you should never have to have that early in the morning. Seriously, [s]that [/s] itshould be illegal [haha, I agree!! ].

[s]But [/s]I still went on without him, thinking that maybe he’d been held up with a teacher, or [s]maybe[/s] he [s]went[/s] had gone home sick. But then I saw him with her. Jasmine. She was new, and I’d seen her the day before at lunch.

[NP to add extra impact to this thought>>]How could I have missed her?

[NP>>]She was exotic, beautiful [more character description, please!], and not to mention every guy in the room couldn’t keep his eyes off her. She smiled at him, showing off her perfect teeth. I felt the hair stick up on the back of my neck, and I shook all over [s]for a second[/s], like a dog resettling their fur. I got chills like that once in a while, but this time it felt different.[<< unnecessary information, unless you elaborate on why she gets chills like that, otherwise cut these two sentences>>] Like a warning.

But I continued to gym. I mean, maybe she’d just been asking for directions or something, right? I shouldn’t overreact. Maybe it was just innocent.

To my relief, Tyler did show up after gym, but he didn’t look the same. He looked almost sickly.
“Are you feeling okay?” I held on to his arm, comfortingly. He just nodded, but stared down at me in a strange way. I didn’t want to look back it was so intense.[Try and add in some character descriptions of Tyler here]

“I can’t see you anymore,” he muttered. I must have blinked about twenty times before I could think of anything to say.

“Seriously?”

“Yeah,” he answered simply and stalked off.

If I hadn’t overheard from Brook Welshmen that he was going on a date with “the new girl” tonight, I would have thought it was a prank or something. Not even that he was big on pranks, but just that he couldn’t have meant it. Unless there was something seriously wrong.

I guess it was then that I became crazy enough to stalk someone[brilliant!! You do have a way with words adding impact; awesome stuff!! ].

* * * * *

The car followed the streets going to his house. The streets got more and more deserted, and I was hoping that they wouldn’t notice my car staying a safe distance away, but always making the same turns. [This sentence here borders on the rambling, look over it and try and cut on anything that you think is unnecessary, or maybe cut it up and elaborate on parts? Your choice (: ]

Suddenly, the car took a wrong turn [why is it a wrong turn - did your MC think they were going somewhere specific, if so you need to tell us; maybe have her imagining scenes of them both at where she thinks they're going...?]. They were going down by the lake, with the woods nearby [again, showing instead of telling].

This was what I’d been waiting for, what I’d been fearing [What was she waiting for/fearing - elaborate]. But what if I’m wrong? I thought. What if they’d just gone someplace romantic to look at the stars and I show up? What would I say?[This should still be in italics]

But [connective!!] there’s the chance that I’m right, and he’s in trouble [that's jumping ahead of yourself a bit - why would he be in trouble? This thought seems out of place and it's really obvious foreshadowing, as I bet now he is in trouble, but I wouldn't have thought of that if you hadn't said it, so try and be a bit subtler (: ].

I turned my headlights off and took the turn down the dirt road, following the break lights in front of me. They were far away, and I couldn’t see much, but they were going where I expected [where is that - you're being very vague at the moment, and I'm getting slightly lost. So, add in some descriptions of the setting/scenery and show instead of tell - paint a picture for your readers to follow].

The car pulled out into the opening in front of the lake. I waited on the road, where they couldn’t see me. The driver's side [s]opened their[/s] door opened, and the girl got out. On the other side, so did he. She motioned towards the woods, and he slid his arm around her as they walked [s]that way[/s] towards the ____ forest/trees [ opportunity to add in description!!]. They were out of sight too soon.

I got out of my car, and slowly crept after them. I followed their whispers. They had stopped walking, and so did I, mid-step, not wanting them to hear me. They laughed, and then it went silent. I crept closer to find that they were kissing.[Try starting sentences differently - in this paragraph the only two openings you've used are They and I]

Wow. I was wrong. It really was just a date… Why am I such a loser? I thought miserably.
I glanced up again, when I saw her kiss his neck. Then lick it, then, almost too fast for me to see, she bit him.

Tyler screamed.

My Tyler was screaming... I stood in shock. This isn’t happening… [delete ellipsis - not needed here]

Blood was dripping down his neck and onto his shirt. His body was pulsing up and down in beat with hers [brilliant imagery and description - great job!!]. She was sucking his blood… [again, no need for ellipsis]

I didn’t remember deciding to do it, but suddenly I was running at her, screaming, “Get off him!” My voice cracked.

I stopped dead, petrified with fear, when she looked up at me. Her eyes were crimson red, blood dripping down her chin. I glared at her in the utmost disgust, but I couldn’t bring myself any closer. My hands were shaking in either hatred or panic, I wasn't too sure.

She stood up and wiped herself off. She left the blood on her face.[If she wiped herself off she wouldn't still have blood on her face, because you haven't mentioned anywhere else where his blood had fallen]

“Don’t worry, Babycakes. I wasn’t going to kill him. It’s just that he’s so delicious looking… I couldn’t help myself.” I froze. Babycakes. That's what he always called me ever since we’d had that old movie marathon, and he’d thought it sounded so cool… [delete ellipsis]

Now he was shaking on the ground, wheezing for breath, eyes closed.

“What did you do to him?!” I yelled again. I hadn’t realized I’d been crying until my vision was completely blurred. I wiped at my eyes angrily, then clenched my fists at my sides. I wouldn’t let her see me [s]this[/s] frightened.

“I just gave him life. You know, immortality and all that,” she spoke calmly, waving her hand around in the air vaguely. She started walking in a circle around me. I turned with her, trying to keep my eyes on both of them at the same time.

“What are you?” I asked in a whisper.

She rolled her scarlet eyes. “A unicorn… A vampire, you idiot. What do you think I was doing?”

Jasmine was winning out in keeping my attention, even though Tyler’s breathing was getting heavier. I couldn’t take my eyes off her. The shiny teeth, wet blood dripping down from her mouth…[replace with full stop] It was so horrible, but I just couldn’t stop staring at her. Who knows what she would do to me if I did.

“So you stole my boyfriend to eat him?” I asked incredulously. This couldn’t be happening.

She laughed bitterly. “First of all, he’s not your boyfriend anymore. If I remember right, he dumped you for me. I really don’t blame him. And of course not. I told you, I gave him immortality. Plus, he’s just kinda cute. I wouldn’t mind letting him stick around.” She licked her lips, her gaze staring past me to Tyler on the ground.

I didn’t know what to say. She was right, he wasn’t mine anymore. She kept walking, until she got 180 degrees from where he still lay gasping. Once she paused I finally asked the question that had been in my mind since I ran out towards her.

“Are you going to kill me?”

Almost the second I finished speaking the breathing behind me stopped.

I whipped around and saw [s]that[/s] Tyler laying there, perfectly still. No longer breathing.

Jasmine laughed again, and I turned back towards the harsh sound. “Looks like I won’t have time to. Our new friend has arrived.”

I heard a low hoarse whisper in my ear behind me.

“Hey, Babycakes,” Tyler murmured, and licked the length of my neck. [Great way to end it - totally awesome!!]

Here's your review.
Yes! You can definitely send it to a contest. You told me to be harsh . . . Well, there's not much to be harsh about though. Gold star!

Had Tyler known that Jasmine was a vampire? Never mind, 'BabyCakes' would never have known that, even is she is stalking them/

“What are you?” I asked in a whisper.


She flashed a morbid smile. “A vampire.”

That was terrific! I am also a big fan of scary Vampire stories. My favorite part was the ending...... I loved it. I also liked when the main character screamed at the vampire when she bit him. Very good story. Sorry for the short critique!

Keep Writing and Good Luck!

Your honesty is comforting
You are not only self aware, but you are devolping a world awareness.
One of my favorites I've read on the site.

Love the plot.
Its the kind that made me
Suck in my breath and widen my eyes kind of thing.
I liked the 'crazy stalker ex-girlfriend' thing.
I was really freaked out at the part where she turned the guy into a vampire
Then when it was the ex-girlfirend's turn, I literally uttered 'GAH!'
Awesome ending. Too bad it doesn't sound like the kind of story you'd continue.
Merry christmas!

Hey there Kaila!

Seeing that I'm rather late with my review, and everyone else has covered the most important parts of this, I shall just tell you what I think of this.

Well, first, I absolutely hate vampire fiction. I don't like it. Too often it become overly cliche and I just don't want to even go near it.

But this was different. It drew me in and kept me interested until the very last word of it. Only nit pick i have is this line:

And then there’s the chance that I’m right, and he’s in trouble.

I couldn’t believe I was doing this. It was stupid,Do you think semi-colons would be better here?
eg: idiotic; irrational, and frankly stalkerish idiotic, irrational, and frankly stalker-ish. I’d almost thought I’d made a mistake when I saw that they had just gone to the movies, a perfectly normal date. They came out just as they’d gone in, save his jacket around her thin beautiful shoulders. It all seemed very normal, stupid of me to doubt anything. I was probably just jealous.


But something made me keep going. Something made me follow their car again. Maybe it was the hair on the back of my neck that stood up whenever I saw her, or maybe it was the fact that she was driving (he never let people drive his car), or maybe even it was just that I was still in love with him, and going on a date with this random beautiful girl the same day he met her, and the same day he dumped me made me suspicious. Or insane. Hm, methinks that perhaps this needs to be split up into smaller sentences. Just now it's rather large, and makes the wonderful ideas you have drag.


Because clearly I was insane. I was one of those crazy ex-girlfriends who stalk their old boyfriends and will eventually go completely mad, ending up in some institution. I mean I’d have to be insane, because look what I was doing. I was stalking them on a date.


The car followed the streets going to his house. The streets got more and more deserted, and I was hoping that they wouldn’t notice my car staying a safe distance away, but always making the same turns.


Suddenly, the car took a wrong turn. They were going down by the lake, with the woods nearby.


This was what I’d been waiting for, what I’d been fearing. But what if I’m wrong? I thought. What if they’d just gone someplace romantic to look at the stars and I show up? What would I say?


And then there’s the chance that I’m right, and he’s in trouble.

I turned my headlights off and took the turn down the dirt road, following the break lights in front of me. They were far away, and I couldn’t see much, but they were going where I expected.


The car pulled out into the opening in front of the lake. I waited on the road, where they couldn’t see me. The driver side opened their door, and the girl got out. On the other side, so did he. She motioned towards the woods, and he slid his arm around her as they walked that way. They were out of sight too soon.


I got out of my car, and slowly crept after them. I followed their whispers. They stopped walking, and so did I, mid-step, not wanting them to hear me. They laughed, and then I didn’t hear anything. I crept closer to find that they were kissing.


Wow. I was wrong. Why am I such a loser? I thought miserably.


I glanced up again to make sure no foul play was being done, when I saw her kiss his neck. Then lick it, then, almost too fast for me to see, she bit him.


He screamed.I'd give this a line of its own. I stood in shock.


Blood was dripping down his neck and onto his shirt. His body was pulsing up and down, with her attacking.


I didn’t remember doing it, but I ran out at her, and screamed, “You bitch!” My voice cracked.If she couldn't remember doing it how does she know her voice cracked?


I ran at her, and was a couple more steps away, when she looked up at me. Her eyes were crimson red, blood dripping down her chin. I glared at her in the utmost disgust, but I couldn’t bring myself any closer. I was so scared.


She stood up and wiped herself off. She left the blood on her face.


“Don’t worry, Babycakes. I wasn’t going to kill him. It’s just that he’s so delicious looking… I couldn’t help myself.” I froze. I'd give Babycakes a line of its own too.Babycakes. That's what he always called me.


He lay on the ground, wheezing for breath, eyes closed.


“What did you do to him?!” I yelled again. I hadn’t realized I’d been crying until my vision was completely blurred. I wiped at my eyes angrily, then clenched my fists at my sides.


“I just gave him life. You know, immortal and all that.” She started walking in a circle around me. I turned with her, trying to keep my eyes on her and him at the same time.


“What are you?” I asked in a whisper.


She flashed a morbid smile. “A vampire.”


She was winning out in keeping my attention, even though his breathing was getting heavier. I didn’t want to look away. Who knows what she would do to me if I did.


“So you stole my boyfriend to eat him?” I asked incredulously.


She laughed bitterly, throwing her head back. “No, of course not. I ‘stole’ him because he looked appealing. And because I could.”


I stared at her, not sure what to say next. She kept walking, until she got 180 degrees from where he still lay gasping. Once she paused I finally asked the question that had been in my mind since I ran out towards her.


“Are you going to kill me?”


Almost the second I finished speaking the breathing behind me stopped.


I looked behind me, and he lay there, perfectly still.


She laughed again, and I turned towards the sound. “Looks like I won’t have time to. Our new friend has arrived.”


A low hoarse whisper was in my ear, from behind me.


“Hey, Babycakes,” he said, and licked my neck.So.....eerie and horrible. Yet the perfect way to end it.

This was very good. Especially seeing as I hate vampire stories. This was great Well done

-Kirsten xxx

Whoa, I did not expect the girl to be a vampire. I knew something was up, but not that. I would have liked to have seen a bit of a flashback after

"Maybe it was the hair on the back of my neck that stood up whenever I saw her, or maybe it was the fact that she was driving (he never let people drive his car), or maybe even it was just that I was still in love with him, and going on a date with this random beautiful girl the same day he met her, and the same day he dumped me made me suspicious." (sorry, can't quote yet)

to know what the interaction was like and how they met. But other than that, I thought it was really cool.

They came out just as they’d gone in, save his jacket around her thin beautiful shoulders.

I mean I’d have to be insane, because look what I was doing.

Once she paused I finally asked the question that had been in my mind since I ran out towards her.

Almost the second I finished speaking the breathing behind me stopped.

A low hoarse whisper was in my ear, from behind me.

Incredibly done

This was a powerful piece, I really loved it. I'm so into vampires it's pitiful, but this really amazed me. I really can't find any mistakes because when i read something that's really good i never pay attention to grammar or any of that. All my focus is set on how well the story was done, so I'm sorry if I'm no help :[

A low hoarse whisper was in my ear, from behind me.

“Hey, Babycakes,” he said, and licked my neck.