As the title says, this is an excerpt from my NaNoWriMo novel, and I wanted to get some feedback about it. I edited it a little bit so you would understand a few things that you wouln't know unless you read the beginning of the book.
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We got in his car, and I didn’t say anything. It was a warm night, not too humid and a little breezy. I rolled the window down, letting the warm air flow through my hair. We drove for a while until we were at the public beach. It seemed a little pointless when we had a private beach in our backyard, but I guessed he wanted to just kind of get away, and there wasn’t anyone here. It was too dark.
Nick got out of the car, and I followed him.
He walked out towards the ocean, picked up a rock and skipped it. He watched it spin across the water and then fall to the bottom of the ocean.
I stood back, letting him get whatever might be bothering him out of his system. He dropped down to the ground, and sat there.
I slowly walked over to him. I was really freaked out. I had no idea what could possibly be bothering him this much.
“Hey,” I said softly, and sat down next to him facing his direction. He stared out into the ocean, not saying anything.
“Do you mind?” he asked, taking his pack of cigarettes out of his pocket. I shook my head, so he took one out and lit it up. He was careful to blow the smoke in the opposite direction from me.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered. It was hard to hear him over the rhythmic sound of the ocean’s waves.
“For what?” I asked. I really had no idea what he was talking about now. I worried if he’d done something really bad today. He didn’t have to work, so I didn’t know what he would have been up to. I became nervous. I'd thought I had gotten to know him well over the past weeks, but it just occurred to me that I didn’t really know him that well, or even what he was capable of.
“I want to tell you, but I don’t want you to think less of me,” he took a drag and blew the smoke away from me. The smell still burned my nostrils a little, but I ignored it. “And you haven’t done your side of the deal.” I remembered the deal he'd made with me. If I found an example of someone who was at peace with their life, then he would tell my why he knew that ghosts didn't exist.
“You mean the peace thing?” I asked, trying to put it together.
“Yeah.” He looked very frustrated.
“You don’t think it’s possible, though,” I added.
“No. I don’t.”
“Then why did you tell me to do it?” I was almost mad, but he looked like he was really upset, so I didn’t tell him.
“Because I didn’t think I would want to tell you. I didn’t think I’d want to tell anyone here about it, but today’s just such a bad day… I just didn’t want to be alone,” he whispered. He didn’t look at me, but I think I saw his eyes water up.
“You can tell me. The bet’s off,” I whispered back edging closer to him. He squeezed his eyes closed, but a couple tears escaped and ran down his cheeks anyway.
“I can’t. It’s horrible.” He shoved the butt of the cigarette into the sand with a surprising amount of force and pulled out the pack to get another one out. His hands were shaking.
“Whoa,” I said softly, putting my hand over the pack. He didn’t fight me as I took it away and put it on the sand on the other side of me. His hands were still shaking.
“Are you alright?” I asked, as he pulled his knees up towards him. He didn’t answer, so I scooted closer to him and hugged him. He didn’t respond, just sat there. I let go of him. I was really worried. Maybe I should call my dad or something. He might be able to help.
“I’m ok,” he told me after a minute in a very scratchy voice. “Today is just the, uh, anniversary of a really bad event for me.” He said in a lower, quieter voice, “I didn’t want to be alone.”
“You’re not,” I said in the most soothing voice I could.
“Thanks,” he said, his voice getting stronger. He lifted his head, wiping his eyes hard. He took a couple deep breaths, and nodded.
“I’m better,” he said, holding out his hands for his cigarettes. I wanted to tell him they aren’t healthy, and that he shouldn’t be smoking anyway, but I figured that could be a lecture for another day.
“Ok,” I said, handing them back to him. He got up, and so did I, brushing the sand off my butt. He did the same as he walked back to his car. I followed close behind, not sure if he was really much better.
We didn’t talk on the way home. When he pulled in, I saw that my dad was still up, and the TV was on. I glanced at the dashboard clock. We’d only been gone for about fifteen minutes.
We both sat in the car, not moving.
“I’m sorry. I probably freaked you out a little,” he said with a tiny smirk.
I didn’t really know how to answer. He still looked distraught, but he was clearly trying to fight it. “It’s alright,” I answered calmly.
I saw the light from the TV go off, and it appeared as though my dad was going up to bed. Nick let out a long breath and I smelt the remaining stench of smoke in the air.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Like everyone said, Nick seems to be a cookie-cutter character. The use of dialogue was great, and seemed to help with moving along the story, if I knew what the story was. If this was from the beginning of the book it was realy abstract. All we learned was that there was this kid named Nick with a typical female sidekick and psychological probelms. I'm not maning to be harsh, but it's the truth. I would say that you would need to deepen the emotions in this scene, like instead of making it so he just admits that he doesn't want to be alone, have the narrator guess whether he does or not. It would also make the characters themselves seem a little less cookie-cutter.
It seems pretty good so far. just a couple changes, and you're good to go.
Hey! I'm reminding everybody I owe an review that I'm going to get on it ASAP, so sorry 'bout the delay. Haven't read this yet, so feel free to delete my reminder. Can't wait to give you a critique =] This piece looks like it's 85% dialogue, so I can't wait to jump on that.
Happy Holidays!
~*Sara*~
Emotion: Ok so I think the emotion isn't as strong as it could be. Not to the effect that I would cry. His force of stubborness and mystery could be more strongly portrayed. Something has so burdenly stirred in him that he is shaken. Some thing needs to be happening there. The conncetion to that day for him holds emotional burden which has yet been closured. Some thing has to trigger emotion in your female character, strong emotion. It has to react with his.
Characters: Nick is strongly shown as a typical male character. Not willing to cry, hidden stirred emotions, and the want to show strongness. His soft spokeness was because of the situation so hopefully he has more dialoge right? The narrator is obvisously shaken by her parters unusual events that were out of habbit. Her inside thoughts should show more indiviuality and emotion. Your characters are a bit underdeveloped, but of course this is only the beginning.
Over all: Wonderful start! The intensement and mystery gives great qualities to your story. Your wording and spacing of the story is very good. It doesn't give you everything at once and the action isn't slow to start with.
Hope this review was helpful in a way or two, and i can't wait to see more!
-Tiffany
Hey, Kaila! Sorry I didn't get to this straight away. Yesterday was kind of a weird day for me. xD I did this during school, though, so hopefully this crit will make up for my tardiness. I'll try my best to remember that this is not a stand-alone piece.
Grammar and First Impressions
This is probably a useless comment to make, considering the fact that there is probably more before this part; however, as the reader, I didn't think he was angry at all. I thought he was just in deep thought about something. All he did was skip a rock. xD I'll trust you backed this up before this portion of your novel, but I thought I'd throw that out there in case you didn't. ^^
The bolded sentence, I think, should be rewritten or taken out completely. Don't tell us straight out that you're [the speaker] nervous. Show us that you're nervous. Plus, this is a short sentence in a mass of description and awesomely-built sentences. It seems out of place. ^_^
I think the bolded part here should come before the paragraph above it. This is a style comment, so I apologize. I just think it's more effective if we explained the bet after you introduced it as a main character. It's hard to explain... Just play with that and see if you like it. ^^
Awww, They're So Cute!
However, I'm not feeling any weepy attachment to these guys. I don't really understand what the problem is, so I don't know how I should feel for Nick. Does he have an excuse to be upset? He just doesn't want to be alone. I found that and this overall portion as cute, but not sad enough to make me cry.
If I knew more about what was happening, I would probably feel a bit worse. Considering the fact that I know hardly anything at all and am a little lost as to what they're talking about, I can't really feel much for them. It's just a cute seen between two teenagers; and I found myself screaming in my mind for the MC to keep the cigarettes away from Nick. XD
Now, if this really is the beginning part to your novel, consider using stronger verbs and describing words (adjectives and adverbs). And you can do this even if this isn't the beginning part. Try to make the reader feel sad, even if they have no reason to be sad. Of course, they won't feel sad if they don't know who the characters are...
Whozzat?
As a stand-alone piece, the characters need more development. As a first chapter, the characters need more development. As a portion of your novel, though, this is probably perfectly fine. Is it normal for Nick to mope, or is this a rare occasion when a dedicated reader should be worried?
Short part. ^^
Overall, I'm Thinking...
This is a well-written piece, and so I applaud you!
Any questions or comments, find me!
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Hey there
I come with a promised review 
if you've got anything else you'd like me to review, just tell me 
x
We got in his car, and I didn’t say anything. It was a warm night, not too humid and a little breezy. I rolled the window down, letting the warm air flow through my hair. We drove for a while until we were at the public beach. It seemed a little pointless when we had a private beach in our backyard, but I guessed he wanted to just kind of get away, and there wasn’t anyone here. It was too dark. Good start, but maybe add in a little more description and imagery.
Nick got out of the car, and I followed him.
He walked out towards the ocean, picked up a rock and skipped it. He watched it spin across the water and then fall to the bottom of the ocean.
I stood back, letting him get whatever might be bothering him out of his system. He dropped down to the ground, and sat there.
I slowly walked over to him. I was really freaked out. I had no idea what could possibly be bothering him this much.
“Hey,” I said softly, and sat down next to him facing his direction. He stared out into the ocean, not saying anything.
“Do you mind?” he asked, taking his pack of cigarettes out of his pocket. I shook my head, so he took one out and lit it up. He was careful to blow the smoke in the opposite direction from me.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered. It was hard to hear him over the rhythmic soundMaybe change this to beat, it's just got a better feel. of the ocean’s waves.
“For what?” I asked. I really had no idea what he was talking about now. I worriedDid you mean wondered here? Sorry if I'm being completely stupid and you didn't! if he’d done something really bad today. He didn’t have to work, so I didn’t know what he would have been up to. I became nervous. I'd thought I had gotten to know him well over the past weeks, but it just occurred to me that I didn’t really know him that well, or even what he was capable of. I like this bit, it provides insight, and helps the story
“I want to tell you, but I don’t want you to think less of me,” he took a drag and blew the smoke away from me. The smell still burned my nostrils a little, but I ignored it. “And you haven’t done your side of the deal.” I remembered the deal he'd made with me. If I found an example of someone who was at peace with their life, then he would tell my why he knew that ghosts didn't exist.I really like that last part about ghosts, I don't know why really, I'm just fond of it
“You mean the peace thing?” I asked, trying to put it together.
“Yeah.” He looked very frustrated.
“You don’t think it’s possible, though,” I added.
“No. I don’t.”
“Then why did you tell me to do it?” I was almost mad, but he looked like he was really upset, so I didn’t tell him.
“Because I didn’t think I would want to tell you. I didn’t think I’d want to tell anyone here about it, but today’s just such a bad day… I just didn’t want to be alone,” he whispered. He didn’t look at me, but I think I saw his eyes water up.
“You can tell me. The bet’s off,” I whispered back edging closer to him. He squeezed his eyes closed, but a couple tears escaped and ran down his cheeks anyway.
“I can’t. It’s horrible.” He shoved the butt of the cigarette into the sand with a surprising amount of force and pulled out the pack to get another one out. His hands were shaking.
“Whoa,” I said softly, putting my hand over the pack. He didn’t fight me as I took it away and put it on the sand on the other side of me. His hands were still shaking.
“Are you alright?” I asked, as he pulled his knees up towards him. He didn’t answer, so I scooted closer to him and hugged him. He didn’t respond, just sat there. I let go of him. I was really worried. Maybe I should call my dad or something. He might be able to help.
“I’m ok,” he told me after a minute in a very scratchy voice. “Today is just the, uh, anniversary of a really bad event for me.” He said in a lower, quieter voice, “I didn’t want to be alone.”
“You’re not,” I said in the most soothing voice I could.
“Thanks,” he said, his voice getting stronger. He lifted his head, wiping his eyes hard. He took a couple deep breaths, and nodded.
“I’m better,” he said, holding out his hands for his cigarettes. I wanted to tell him they aren’t healthy, and that he shouldn’t be smoking anyway, but I figured that could be a lecture for another day. Good phrasing here, it's very realistic, which is a huge plus for your story
“Ok,” I said, handing them back to him. He got up, and so did I, brushing the sand off my butt. He did the same as he walked back to his car. I followed close behind, not sure if he was really much better.
We didn’t talk on the way home. When he pulled in, I saw that my dad was still up, and the TV was on. I glanced at the dashboard clock. We’d only been gone for about fifteen minutes.
We both sat in the car, not moving.
“I’m sorry. I probably freaked you out a little,” he said with a tiny smirk.
I didn’t really know how to answer. He still looked distraught, but he was clearly trying to fight it. “It’s alright,” I answered calmly.
I saw the light from the TV go off, and it appeared as though my dad was going up to bed. Nick let out a long breath and I smelt the remaining stench of smoke in the air.
Overall opinion
I liked this chapter. You portrayed emotions well and it was fun and interesting to read. The conversations between your characters were very realistic, which is a great thing
Grammar
Your grammar was great. In fact I couldn't spot a single mistake, there might be one but altogether the grammar was amazing. Well done
Narrative Voice
If you're going for a casual narrator then you do narrate well. Your character is realistic and seems the way we would view regular teenagers in modern society. At some points we would like some more description, similes, metaphors and imagery, but for the first chapter you're doing great
Characters
We've not really been introduced to the characters yet, seeing as this is only the first chapter, but they are intriguing, I'd like to know more. Maybe you need to develop them a tad more, but for the first chapter you're doing well.
My view
You're doing well. Keep writing this, and it'll be amazing
If you've got anything else you'd like me to critique just tell me
:shock: I want more! Like, you have no idea how badly I want more! That was more addicting than Narnia. Or green tea. Or the Twilight soundtrack.
More? Pleeeez?