THIS WAS TAKEN DOWN UNTIL I GET THE ORIGINAL BACK. I WAS SUPPOSE TO TAKE IT DOWN FROM ANY OTHERWEBSITE BECAUSE THIS STORY IS BEING USED FOR SOMETHING. IT WILL BE BACK ASAP.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
*eats story alive*
Muahaha. Now you're about to learn why my future reign as Editor-in-Chief will be one of terror. ^_^
Your prologue is interesting, but it's more of a summary than a prologue. Not to mention you have a tendency to info dump, as in the first paragraph of Ch. 1, and several other instances, especially when you introduce characters. And that's bad. Leave a bit up to the reader's imagination! Introduce physical description within the action
Now this is a good example of how to give description without info dumping. But you've mentioned the fact that the girl moves with the grace/movement of a wolf twice now. Nix one of them! Preferably the one quoted above.
I have updated it as far as I possibly can right now with my computer on the fritz. If you like it right now, there is a lot more coming, just keep checking back and I will have updates. Also note that there is a story after the end of this one(which is incomplete although I knwo how i want it to end) and it continues the story, except maybe it's a little more intense. hmm. Well yes, keep checking for updates
Welcome to YWS!!!!
Not much of a prologue. Not much of anything really. It sounds interesting, but please, take some time to write a story, not a history. It's the show-don't-tell concept all over again. Don't 'tell' what you can 'show' or describe as a story. Try to take this prologue and turn it into a real story. Something that the reader will care about.
Also when posting, try to write a more lengthy piece, so there's more for us to actually critique. I know you're excited to get your idea out there, but be patient.
Well, happy to have you aboard! I hope I was of some help. Also, seeing as that your a new member, consider checking out The Buddy System where you can choose a mentor to show you around YWS for a month. It's extremeley useful.
-Kylan