Published September 25, 2007
Wind and Rain
Always falling
People running
Never calling
Chilly heat
An even death
"Who is there?"
With his last breath.
He called aloud,
Fear of Pain
Watching Blood
Fall like rain.
Neither quick
nor neither slow,
Death draws near,
In his hand a bow.
"Bow To Death,
You Need Not Fear.
I Shall Bring To You
What You Hold Most Dear."
The man shakes,
The blood almost gone.
His thoughts depleting,
It's nearly done.
But then a light
Showed through the dark
Everbright
But the man made no remark.
Death had already consumed him.
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141,364 Literary Works • 674,381 Reviews
Pretty good, I would say. Death has been written about since the beginning of time, but this put a slightly creepy twist to such an old topic. First thing I noticed was that there is a severe lack of punctuation. Good poetry should be able to be read like a story, meaning that if the poem weren't in stanzas, it would still be coherent. We'll use your first stanza as example:
While this is a good opening stanza, when read in prose, it looks like this:
There's only one word to describe that: Yuck. It goes like that throughout the whole poem. I would go back through it and read it like a story rather than a poem, so you can easily see where some good punctuation would go.
This kind of confused me. I congratulate you for knowing the "Neither/nor" rule (not many people do), but the other "neither" seems superfluous. If you could change it somehow, that'd be great. Honestly, it's okay the way it is, but maybe a little tweaking is needed.
Did Death tie his hand into a knot? Clear up whatever meaning you're trying to convey here.
Punctuation for the end of the lines should be: comma, comma, semi-colon, period. Again, go through it a few times, and other punctuation problems I've most likely left out can be easily fixed.
I like your ending line.
Overall, a good start. Work on your meter, flow, punctuation, and other things that other people may point out, and you've got it made.
PS: Thanks for joining YWS.
Emily didn't read the rules! *pokes you with a fork*
You've got to critique at least two things before posting your own work. ¿Comprende?
*goes to hunt for the link to the rules*
Ta-da! topic705.html
Give those a looksie kthxbai.
-St. Razorblade AKA The Big Bad Life Editor