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Magic Chapter 3

by Kaia, SkyVibes


“Lexi!” Kassie screamed, breaking into a run to catch up with her dog as she jumped up onto her hind legs again to greet the stranger it had found. “Down, girl!”

The dog turned and reluctantly jumped off the young man. Barking excitedly, Lexi ran up to Kassie and ran in a wild circle about her.

Kassie smiled welcomingly and started toward the stranger. “Hey, sorry about my dog. She’s a little jumpy sometimes.”

The stranger cast the dog an unhappy glance and ran a hand down from his shoulder to his arm to flick the dog’s saliva from himself.

Jed frowned and turned away disgustedly. “And a little too kissy, too,” he muttered, glancing down at a towel lying on the ground beneath the stranger. His eyes rose and moved to a group of trees to the side of the forest.

A teenage boy and girl sat side by side beneath a larger tree. Intense red eyes stared back at him. He cast Kassie an uneasy glance, but she was too absorbed in conversation with the teenager with blue eyes to notice the strange red eyes staring at her.

Kassie laughed easily. “Well, I’m Kassie Edwards,” she introduced herself, flinging her hand out to meet the stranger’s.

The stranger’s eyes dropped curiously to the hand extended out to him. Hesitantly, he took it. His eyes rose to Kassie’s hand. “Brandon.”

Kassie instantly pulled her hand back. “Oh, my gosh! That’s so gross!” she exclaimed, glancing down at her dog, and quickly brushing a hand over her jeans. “You’re so mean, Lexi!”

The dog barked and ran in a playful circle around Kassie’s legs.

“Imagine how I feel,” Brandon muttered, casting the dog a glare.

The boy beneath the tree laughed and attempted to sit up, but the girl beside him grabbed his arm. “Stay…here…” she hissed in an unnaturally tired voice.

The boy frowned and slid his hand out of the girl’s grasp. He stood up, wrapping the cloak around his shoulders tighter around himself.

Jed cast the stranger a glance. He felt Kassie’s elbow jab into his side. He turned, watching as Kassie’s eyes moved across his face reproachfully.

“Go on, be polite. Introduce yourself,” she prompted, casting Jed a glare and nodding toward Brandon and the teenager stepping up to his side.

“Sure,” the stranger with red eyes replied, flashing a handsome smile and shooting his hand forward to meet Jed’s. “Aaron.”

Jed’s eyebrows lifted unstoppably as he stared into the stranger’s bright red eyes. “Uh…Jed,” he mumbled, staring questioningly into the strange eyes fixed to his face.

“And I’m Kassie,” Jed’s cousin piped up, stepping in front of Jed to greet the strange albino kid. “Oh!” she exclaimed as her eyes flashed over the teenager’s face. Her eyes dashed across his long cloak that didn’t quite match with his other modern clothing. “Wow,” she breathed, moving her eyes excitedly back to Aaron’s face.

“Um…Can I have my hand back, now?” Aaron asked, smiling uneasily and attempting to slide his hand out of Kassie’s.

“Oh, uh, yeah! S…sorry,” Kassie mumbled, glancing down at the forest floor to hide the rush of pink seeping unwanted into her face. Her eyes lifted sheepishly to his face again. “I love your costume.”

“Costume?” Aaron repeated dumbly. “What are you talking about?”

“You know, red eyes, cool looking clock. I love the aesthetic,” Kassie commented. Her eyes moved to Jed, staring past her at the other stranger, leaning back against the trunk of the tree. Her eyes were closed, and her head was tilted back slightly.

Jed turned back to Brandon. “Who is she?” he asked, nodding behind him at the other stranger.

“Ashlyn,” Aaron replied, quickly cutting off what Brandon was about to say. “She’s my little sister.”

“Wait…” Kassie began, lifting a hand to her lips. Her eyes moved from the girl to the other two in front of her. “So, are you guys…like…in some kind of cool movie or something?” she asked eagerly, her eyes widening with excitement at the thought of meeting a group of actors.

“Movie?” Aaron repeated, glancing uncertainly across Kassie’s face.

Brandon did not notice. He was too busy wiping his hands off on his shirt. Jed cast him a glance and rolled his eyes as he pulled his hair back into a ponytail again.

“What? Am I some kind of amusement or something now?” Brandon asked as he knelt down to brush off his hands on the grass.

Jed shook his head. “You could come with us and wash your hands I guess since it is our fault you got assaulted,” he suggested, glancing at Kassie.

She nodded enthusiastically. “Yeah, how ‘bout it, guys?”

Brandon cast Aaron and Ashlyn a glance.

“Yeah, why not?” Aaron asked, watching as Brandon wiped his hands on the grass again. “Washing your hands might be a little more efficient than just wiping it off on the grass. Besides, the grass probably won’t appreciate it,” he added.

Brandon cast Aaron a glance and picked up his sword lying on the grass beside him.

Kassie’s eyes widened in excitement. “Oh, my gosh! Is that a real weapon?” she asked, running up to Brandon. “Can I hold it?” she asked, lifting her hands out in front of herself.

Brandon frowned and took a protective step back. “No. It’s dangerous.”

Kassie frowned disappointedly and glanced down at her dog, staring up at her pitifully.

“Leave that behind,” Jed demanded, keeping his eyes firmly fixed to Brandon’s face.

Brandon frowned and stared evenly into Jed’s face. “No. I’m keeping it with me.”

“Come on!” Aaron encouraged, stepping up to Brandon and taking the sword from him.

Brandon turned and tried to grab it back.

“Whoa, guys!” Kassie exclaimed, casting Jed a glance. “That thing looks a little dangerous. Maybe you shouldn’t be playing with it like—”

“Give it back!” Brandon exclaimed, shoving Aaron back a pace to take the sword back. He shot Aaron a reprimanding glare and protectively brought the blade against his chest. His eyes returned to Jed. “I appreciate your offer, but—”

“Oh, come on!” Aaron exclaimed, throwing his hands up exasperatedly and stepping up to Brandon.

“We’re hot, tired, and need to know how to get out of here, and I’m not camping out here with mosquitos to eat us alive. We need somewhere to stay. Maybe they know a place.”

Brandon cast his friend a glance and shook his head. “Inside or outside, the sword goes with me. I’m not abandoning it for anything.”

“Fine, if you’re going to be so stubborn about it, I guess you can bring it, just no harming anyone,” Jed replied, casting Brandon a warning glance. “And if you do, I’ll call the police on you. No exceptions.”


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Kaia says...



Here is the link for chapter 4. It may also be found in the @MercedesBlue portfolio. Magic: Chapter 4




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Mon Jun 05, 2023 3:42 pm
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well it seems our two casts have met at last. Things didn't go quite as explosively as I thought it might but there have definitely been plenty of seeds sowed for some conflict down the line and it looks set to be quite some chaos here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

“Lexi!” Kassie screamed, breaking into a run to catch up with her dog as she jumped up onto her hind legs again to greet the stranger it had found. “Down, girl!”

The dog turned and reluctantly jumped off the young man. Barking excitedly, Lexi ran up to Kassie and ran in a wild circle about her.

Kassie smiled welcomingly and started toward the stranger. “Hey, sorry about my dog. She’s a little jumpy sometimes.”

The stranger cast the dog an unhappy glance and ran a hand down from his shoulder to his arm to flick the dog’s saliva from himself.


Okayy well here we goo, we've got right into the meeting here. Love that we aren't wasting any time in terms of showing how the other lot got all the way there. I think that lends itself really quite well to the general continuity of things just a bit better than any other way it could've gone.

Jed frowned and turned away disgustedly. “And a little too kissy, too,” he muttered, glancing down at a towel lying on the ground beneath the stranger. His eyes rose and moved to a group of trees to the side of the forest.

A teenage boy and girl sat side by side beneath a larger tree. Intense red eyes stared back at him. He cast Kassie an uneasy glance, but she was too absorbed in conversation with the teenager with blue eyes to notice the strange red eyes staring at her.

Kassie laughed easily. “Well, I’m Kassie Edwards,” she introduced herself, flinging her hand out to meet the stranger’s.


Okay it looks like this first meeting is going well so far. The wings have probably just not been noticed but no pitchforks have been brought out and it seems everyone is remaining rather civil and polite for the moment. You do in fact love to see that although I'm sure there'll be chaos as soon as they get a bit used to each other.

The stranger’s eyes dropped curiously to the hand extended out to him. Hesitantly, he took it. His eyes rose to Kassie’s hand. “Brandon.”

Kassie instantly pulled her hand back. “Oh, my gosh! That’s so gross!” she exclaimed, glancing down at her dog, and quickly brushing a hand over her jeans. “You’re so mean, Lexi!”

The dog barked and ran in a playful circle around Kassie’s legs.

“Imagine how I feel,” Brandon muttered, casting the dog a glare.

The boy beneath the tree laughed and attempted to sit up, but the girl beside him grabbed his arm. “Stay…here…” she hissed in an unnaturally tired voice.


Okayy well that was quite the contrasting little greeting there. Our lovely Lexi just being an absolute gem as usual and just bringing some laughs out there and then us getting a reminder of quite how weak Ashlyn really is in this moment. That genuinely looks a little serious there beyond just being tired.

The boy frowned and slid his hand out of the girl’s grasp. He stood up, wrapping the cloak around his shoulders tighter around himself.

Jed cast the stranger a glance. He felt Kassie’s elbow jab into his side. He turned, watching as Kassie’s eyes moved across his face reproachfully.

“Go on, be polite. Introduce yourself,” she prompted, casting Jed a glare and nodding toward Brandon and the teenager stepping up to his side.

“Sure,” the stranger with red eyes replied, flashing a handsome smile and shooting his hand forward to meet Jed’s. “Aaron.”


Okay well it looks like things are a little bit hesitant beyond that first cheery hello which is pretty reasonable given how everyone is acting just ever so slightly suspicious. At the very least it seems like the general consensus so far is to simply try and be polite and introduce each other so that's a step in somewhat of a correct direction.

Jed’s eyebrows lifted unstoppably as he stared into the stranger’s bright red eyes. “Uh…Jed,” he mumbled, staring questioningly into the strange eyes fixed to his face.

“And I’m Kassie,” Jed’s cousin piped up, stepping in front of Jed to greet the strange albino kid. “Oh!” she exclaimed as her eyes flashed over the teenager’s face. Her eyes dashed across his long cloak that didn’t quite match with his other modern clothing. “Wow,” she breathed, moving her eyes excitedly back to Aaron’s face.

“Um…Can I have my hand back, now?” Aaron asked, smiling uneasily and attempting to slide his hand out of Kassie’s.


Well that was I think about the perfect level of awkward for this style of introduction. I love that we don't have just random fear and screaming and unnecessary misunderstanding nor are they immediately getting along well, but we just have a pretty realistic depiction of a bunch of strangers trying to figure out how to talk to each other and what to even be doing in that moment.

“Oh, uh, yeah! S…sorry,” Kassie mumbled, glancing down at the forest floor to hide the rush of pink seeping unwanted into her face. Her eyes lifted sheepishly to his face again. “I love your costume.”

“Costume?” Aaron repeated dumbly. “What are you talking about?”

“You know, red eyes, cool looking clock. I love the aesthetic,” Kassie commented. Her eyes moved to Jed, staring past her at the other stranger, leaning back against the trunk of the tree. Her eyes were closed, and her head was tilted back slightly.

Jed turned back to Brandon. “Who is she?” he asked, nodding behind him at the other stranger.


Okay well this is probably going quite well for our strangers from a different place. Given the whole you guys are evil an unnatural and we will kill you vibes they expected this vibe seems nice and probably a bit strange. I am looking forward to seeing how this will develop here.

“Ashlyn,” Aaron replied, quickly cutting off what Brandon was about to say. “She’s my little sister.”

“Wait…” Kassie began, lifting a hand to her lips. Her eyes moved from the girl to the other two in front of her. “So, are you guys…like…in some kind of cool movie or something?” she asked eagerly, her eyes widening with excitement at the thought of meeting a group of actors.

“Movie?” Aaron repeated, glancing uncertainly across Kassie’s face.


Well that's definitely quite the question to ask but I can definitely see where it stems from. I suppose its not the strangest question to be asking in a situation like that and certainly the least threatening sort of thing so we've got good things happening so far.

Brandon did not notice. He was too busy wiping his hands off on his shirt. Jed cast him a glance and rolled his eyes as he pulled his hair back into a ponytail again.

“What? Am I some kind of amusement or something now?” Brandon asked as he knelt down to brush off his hands on the grass.

Jed shook his head. “You could come with us and wash your hands I guess since it is our fault you got assaulted,” he suggested, glancing at Kassie.

She nodded enthusiastically. “Yeah, how ‘bout it, guys?”


Oooh it seems we've reached our next logical stage of them being invited to that cabin here. Well let's see where that's going to go. I suspect that's going to be where all the chaos is going to start if at all. Right now things seem to be fairly calm.

Brandon cast Aaron and Ashlyn a glance.

“Yeah, why not?” Aaron asked, watching as Brandon wiped his hands on the grass again. “Washing your hands might be a little more efficient than just wiping it off on the grass. Besides, the grass probably won’t appreciate it,” he added.

Brandon cast Aaron a glance and picked up his sword lying on the grass beside him.

Kassie’s eyes widened in excitement. “Oh, my gosh! Is that a real weapon?” she asked, running up to Brandon. “Can I hold it?” she asked, lifting her hands out in front of herself.


Oooh well here we have our first look at some potential conflict here. It seems swords are going to prove to be a bit of an interesting point then in this particular situation. Kassie's reaction I feel is going to likely be the friendliest one to this particular weapon. It'll be interesting to see what Jed makes of it.

Brandon frowned and took a protective step back. “No. It’s dangerous.”

Kassie frowned disappointedly and glanced down at her dog, staring up at her pitifully.

“Leave that behind,” Jed demanded, keeping his eyes firmly fixed to Brandon’s face.

Brandon frowned and stared evenly into Jed’s face. “No. I’m keeping it with me.”

“Come on!” Aaron encouraged, stepping up to Brandon and taking the sword from him.

Brandon turned and tried to grab it back.


Well loos like we've gotten ourselves that conflict pretty quickly there. I thought Jed was going to make things a little interesting there and things definitely have got very interesting especially with the way Brandon has managed to react to it there.

“Whoa, guys!” Kassie exclaimed, casting Jed a glance. “That thing looks a little dangerous. Maybe you shouldn’t be playing with it like—”

“Give it back!” Brandon exclaimed, shoving Aaron back a pace to take the sword back. He shot Aaron a reprimanding glare and protectively brought the blade against his chest. His eyes returned to Jed. “I appreciate your offer, but—”

“Oh, come on!” Aaron exclaimed, throwing his hands up exasperatedly and stepping up to Brandon.

“We’re hot, tired, and need to know how to get out of here, and I’m not camping out here with mosquitos to eat us alive. We need somewhere to stay. Maybe they know a place.”


Well it seems Aaron is the only one still actively thinking about actually surviving the night there and Brandon is going to remain a little hot headed. That definitely sounds like its going to cause some friction in times to come. Well let's see where this little decision is going to go.

Brandon cast his friend a glance and shook his head. “Inside or outside, the sword goes with me. I’m not abandoning it for anything.”

“Fine, if you’re going to be so stubborn about it, I guess you can bring it, just no harming anyone,” Jed replied, casting Brandon a warning glance. “And if you do, I’ll call the police on you. No exceptions.”


Well that seems like Jed just conceded that point a bit too fast. I have a feeling that sad is probably coming in handy at some point which is why its going to end up sneaking in there so simply. Well at any rate, it does make for a nice little point to end on here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall a pretty solid little chapter here. Slightly shorter but I think it does the job that it sets out to do really quite well and I am loving all the anticipation that it builds there for what's to come here. I can't wait to see what chaos ensues in the next chapter.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Kate




Kaia says...


Hey, Kate!
Thanks for leaving another super positive and encouraging review here. I really appreciate your words. I'm so glad that you haven't gotten lost yet. @MercedesBlue and I have been worrying just a little that with all the characters we introduced, you might have trouble following. So finding that you aren't tat confused (if at all) is super awesome!! Thanks so much for taking the time to read our collaboration project!
-Kaia



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Sun May 28, 2023 2:30 am
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AmayaStatham wrote a review...



Hey Kaia,

So, I am here to leave you an review on Magic part 3.

First of all, I must say I appreciate the little conflict you put in here and the adds of characters personalities, I love your dialogues too and the pacing of your story is not to slow. Great job, Kaia!

“Lexi!” Kassie screamed, breaking into a run to catch up with her dog as she jumped up onto her hind legs again to greet the stranger it had found. “Down, girl!”

The dog turned and reluctantly jumped off the young man. Barking excitedly, Lexi ran up to Kassie and ran in a wild circle about her.

Kassie smiled welcomingly and started toward the stranger. “Hey, sorry about my dog. She’s a little jumpy sometimes.”

The stranger cast the dog an unhappy glance and ran a hand down from his shoulder to his arm to flick the dog’s saliva from himself.

Jed frowned and turned away disgustedly. “And a little too kissy, too,” he muttered, glancing down at a towel lying on the ground beneath the stranger. His eyes rose and moved to a group of trees to the side of the forest.

A teenage boy and girl sat side by side beneath a larger tree. Intense red eyes stared back at him. He cast Kassie an uneasy glance, but she was too absorbed in conversation with the teenager with blue eyes to notice the strange red eyes staring at her.


I love this start. It is just sweet and perfect. <333
Just me sighing so happily that Lexi is not dead or roasted by some hunter.

(* me clunging my hang in my pillow while its ten o'clock and I should be asleep and here I am reading Magic.)

I love the fact that Kassie kind of takes responsibility for what Lexi did to Brandon. I like your descriptions too and your characters movements. Great job on making Jed the cousin who is annoyed by everything that Kassie does. I like it.

I like the meeting of the red and the blue eyes with each other. But, I do have some suspect, but I think i'll ask that later...

Kassie laughed easily. “Well, I’m Kassie Edwards,” she introduced herself, flinging her hand out to meet the stranger’s.

The stranger’s eyes dropped curiously to the hand extended out to him. Hesitantly, he took it. His eyes rose to Kassie’s hand. “Brandon.”

Kassie instantly pulled her hand back. “Oh, my gosh! That’s so gross!” she exclaimed, glancing down at her dog, and quickly brushing a hand over her jeans. “You’re so mean, Lexi!”

The dog barked and ran in a playful circle around Kassie’s legs.

“Imagine how I feel,” Brandon muttered, casting the dog a glare.

The boy beneath the tree laughed and attempted to sit up, but the girl beside him grabbed his arm. “Stay…here…” she hissed in an unnaturally tired voice.

The boy frowned and slid his hand out of the girl’s grasp. He stood up, wrapping the cloak around his shoulders tighter around himself.

Jed cast the stranger a glance. He felt Kassie’s elbow jab into his side. He turned, watching as Kassie’s eyes moved across his face reproachfully.


I love Kassie's bold attitude, not afraid to try new things and go after her dreams. I like the direction that the story is going in, it is very engaging and makes me want to read on.

I did have a tweeny suggestion. Your dialogues are amazing, but I think if you develop the dialogue further to make it more natural and reflective of each character's personality. And add unique speech patterns, mannerisms, or specific vocabulary to differentiate the character.

Maybe think about that? Its just a suggestion.

“Go on, be polite. Introduce yourself,” she prompted, casting Jed a glare and nodding toward Brandon and the teenager stepping up to his side.

“Sure,” the stranger with red eyes replied, flashing a handsome smile and shooting his hand forward to meet Jed’s. “Aaron.”

Jed’s eyebrows lifted unstoppably as he stared into the stranger’s bright red eyes. “Uh…Jed,” he mumbled, staring questioningly into the strange eyes fixed to his face.

“And I’m Kassie,” Jed’s cousin piped up, stepping in front of Jed to greet the strange albino kid. “Oh!” she exclaimed as her eyes flashed over the teenager’s face. Her eyes dashed across his long cloak that didn’t quite match with his other modern clothing. “Wow,” she breathed, moving her eyes excitedly back to Aaron’s face.

“Um…Can I have my hand back, now?” Aaron asked, smiling uneasily and attempting to slide his hand out of Kassie’s.

“Oh, uh, yeah! S…sorry,” Kassie mumbled, glancing down at the forest floor to hide the rush of pink seeping unwanted into her face. Her eyes lifted sheepishly to his face again. “I love your costume.”

“Costume?” Aaron repeated dumbly. “What are you talking about?”

“You know, red eyes, cool looking clock. I love the aesthetic,” Kassie commented. Her eyes moved to Jed, staring past her at the other stranger, leaning back against the trunk of the tree. Her eyes were closed, and her head was tilted back slightly.


That was actually funny, the way Kassie kind of had to tell Jed to "be polite". (*I mean Spidey laughed and Piley fell of the bed, so it must have been funny.)

Suggestions for improvement though:
Clarify character reactions:

Instead of:
"Jed’s eyebrows lifted unstoppably as he stared into the stranger’s bright red eyes."

You could write:
"Jed's eyebrows shot up in surprise as his gaze locked onto the stranger's mesmerizing bright red eyes. He couldn't tear his eyes away, a mix of curiosity and bewilderment swirling within him."

Show rather than tell:

Instead of:
"...hide the rush of pink seeping unwanted into her face."

You could write:
"...hide the rush of warmth that crept up her cheeks, betraying her sudden embarrassment."

This revised version shows Kassie's physical reaction without explicite stating that her face turns pink. It provides a more vivid description of her embarrassment and her blushing.

Do I sense some smokey stew cooking up between Aaron and Kassie??
(*mischievious grin. I wonder what Kaia is up to this time?)

Jed turned back to Brandon. “Who is she?” he asked, nodding behind him at the other stranger.

“Ashlyn,” Aaron replied, quickly cutting off what Brandon was about to say. “She’s my little sister.”

“Wait…” Kassie began, lifting a hand to her lips. Her eyes moved from the girl to the other two in front of her. “So, are you guys…like…in some kind of cool movie or something?” she asked eagerly, her eyes widening with excitement at the thought of meeting a group of actors.

“Movie?” Aaron repeated, glancing uncertainly across Kassie’s face.

Brandon did not notice. He was too busy wiping his hands off on his shirt. Jed cast him a glance and rolled his eyes as he pulled his hair back into a ponytail again.

“What? Am I some kind of amusement or something now?” Brandon asked as he knelt down to brush off his hands on the grass.

Jed shook his head. “You could come with us and wash your hands I guess since it is our fault you got assaulted,” he suggested, glancing at Kassie.

She nodded enthusiastically. “Yeah, how ‘bout it, guys?”

Brandon cast Aaron and Ashlyn a glance.

“Yeah, why not?” Aaron asked, watching as Brandon wiped his hands on the grass again. “Washing your hands might be a little more efficient than just wiping it off on the grass. Besides, the grass probably won’t appreciate it,” he added.

Brandon cast Aaron a glance and picked up his sword lying on the grass beside him.


Well Jed seems to have eyes for dear sister her, but he shouldn't forget that boyfriend is still here. This is getting interesting.

Here are some suggestions:

Add descriptive details:

Instead of simply stating that Jed pulled his hair back into a ponytail, you can describe how he swiftly gathered his unruly locks and secured them with a black elastic band, giving him a more determined and focused appearance.

When Brandon wipes his hands on the grass, you can describe the sensation of the damp blades against his skin, the faint earthy scent wafting up, and the lingering green stains on his palms, creating a more vivid and sensory image.

Improve dialogue flow:
Instead of having Brandon ask, "What? Am I some kind of amusement or something now?" you can show his frustration through his tone of voice and body language.

For example, "Brandon's voice dripped with irritation. He crossed his arms and scowled, his eyes darting between them. 'So, I'm just here for your entertainment now?'"

To clarify who is speaking and break up the dialogue, you can intersperse actions or gestures between lines.

Kassie’s eyes widened in excitement. “Oh, my gosh! Is that a real weapon?” she asked, running up to Brandon. “Can I hold it?” she asked, lifting her hands out in front of herself.

Brandon frowned and took a protective step back. “No. It’s dangerous.”

Kassie frowned disappointedly and glanced down at her dog, staring up at her pitifully.

“Leave that behind,” Jed demanded, keeping his eyes firmly fixed to Brandon’s face.

Brandon frowned and stared evenly into Jed’s face. “No. I’m keeping it with me.”

“Come on!” Aaron encouraged, stepping up to Brandon and taking the sword from him.

Brandon turned and tried to grab it back.


Oehhhh conflicts. I like this. But I am afraid someone will get hurt or Jed will get a slap from Ramie...Nope. not him. I mean, Brandon.

Suggestion for here:

Show emotions and reactions:

Instead of telling the readers how the characters feel (e.g., "Kassie frowned disappointedly"), show their emotions through their actions, body language, and dialogue. This will create a more intense reading experience.

“Whoa, guys!” Kassie exclaimed, casting Jed a glance. “That thing looks a little dangerous. Maybe you shouldn’t be playing with it like—”

“Give it back!” Brandon exclaimed, shoving Aaron back a pace to take the sword back. He shot Aaron a reprimanding glare and protectively brought the blade against his chest. His eyes returned to Jed. “I appreciate your offer, but—”

“Oh, come on!” Aaron exclaimed, throwing his hands up exasperatedly and stepping up to Brandon.

“We’re hot, tired, and need to know how to get out of here, and I’m not camping out here with mosquitos to eat us alive. We need somewhere to stay. Maybe they know a place.”

Brandon cast his friend a glance and shook his head. “Inside or outside, the sword goes with me. I’m not abandoning it for anything.”

“Fine, if you’re going to be so stubborn about it, I guess you can bring it, just no harming anyone,” Jed replied, casting Brandon a warning glance. “And if you do, I’ll call the police on you. No exceptions.”


I really like this ending. Nicely done. And I am looking forward to reading more. ofc.

Suggestions:
Vary sentence structures and dialogue tags: Introducing a mix of sentence lengths and structures can make the writing more dynamic. Additionally, using a variety of dialogue tags (e.g., exclaimed, replied, muttered) instead of consistently using "exclaimed" can add variety and depth to the dialogue.

Show character emotions: Describing characters' emotions through their actions, facial expressions, or body language can make their reactions and interactions more compelling.

Here's an example of how the dialogue excerpt could be revised to incorporate some of these suggestions:

"Whoa, guys!" Kassie exclaimed, her eyes darting to Jed with concern. "That thing looks dangerous. Maybe you shouldn't be playing with it like that."

Brandon pushed Aaron back, reclaiming the sword with a protective grip against his chest. He shot Aaron a reprimanding glare before turning to Jed. "Thanks for the offer, but we're desperate to find a way out of here and need a place to stay. Maybe they can help."

Aaron, growing frustrated, stepped up to Brandon. "We're exhausted, and I can't handle these mosquitos anymore. We need shelter. If you insist on bringing the sword, promise me you won't harm anyone."

Brandon hesitated, glancing at his friend, and finally relented. "Fine, but the sword stays with me. No exceptions."

Jed's eyes narrowed, a warning in his gaze. "Alright, but if anyone gets hurt, I won't hesitate to call the police on you."


I hope my review helped you! Have a nice day or night!

~ Rinisha




Kaia says...


Hi, Rinisha!
Thanks for the review. I'll keep those tips in mind and pass them on to MercedesBlue.

Have a great Review Day!
-Kaia



AmayaStatham says...


Yw. You2. <333




Monster is a relative term. To a canary, a cat is a monster. We're just used to being the cat.
— Henry Wu, "Jurassic World"