Published January 20, 2018
I felt the things moving in my mind,
but I didn’t know how to find
the way to get to them.
I could hear the ideas buzzing around inside,
and yet,
I couldn’t seem to get them right.
And even though I knew what I wanted to say
I didn’t know how to pull out the words.
My thoughts and ideas were trapped
in this ignorant, naive mind of mine.
So I tried another way
To express my emotions, brewing up inside.
I picked up my pencil and made ready,
it’s tip hovering above the page.
And setting it gently down,
I began to explore all the different ways.
The pencil was my mind,
Spilling out onto the paper
in an unidentifiable fracture.
I picked up the image when it was nice and dandy,
careful not to smudge the paint.
And seeing what I had created
I realized that no one could relate to the angry lines
that had dropped from my brain and onto that page.
Showing who, what I really was.
But I didn’t give up,
instead I’ll try another way
which’ll surely bring me into the light.
I started to focus on my words again,
but a completely different type.
These words formed a melody,
filling up the sky.
The possibilities were endless
with no rules to hold me down.
I opened my mouth and started to use my voice
singing out, nice and loud, for all the world to hear.
One small problem though,
my voice was horrid, and sounded like a screeching whale.
And every time I tried to sing,
I was begged to stop immediately.
Discouraged, I tried to find another,
but it seemed there were none left.
So instead I focused on all my different ways.
The next few years passed by in a blur,
the same pattern repeating itself.
Me, bouncing around from one subject to the next.
Honing my abilities as they came to me,
and just hoping for the best.
It took me a while,
years of building up,
before I finally realized that I had mastered all my different ways.
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140,604 Literary Works • 673,549 Reviews
This was incredibly relatable, on many levels. It reminds me of where I currently am, but also places I have never been, and maybe one day I will be there. "I felt thing moving in my mind," Now this line can indicate the many varios thoughts one might have, scattered about their brain. It could also indicate a yerning for change, which is less likely than the first, but just a theory. "I relized that no one could relate to the angry lines." Now I experieced that. What it means to me is, that perhaps my art was too specific, or maybe it was from a dark, and far off mindset. That no one could understand, mainly cause no one had been there. Sometimes in a mindset like that, I think a certain way, or have specific opinions, that are all negative. And in this mindset, fantasies are made, that were never true. They were only created by a doubtful mind. Sorry I went a llittle overboard analying that, that line just meant a lot to me. Also, the singing, I can relate to. Because I love music, and i'd to sing some of my favorite songs, and even sing ones that i've written. But in the beginning, my voice was terrible, I could not sing, and at high demand, I was requested to be silenced. But I pressed, and did it anyway. Once and for all, telling everyone that was killing my dream to shut up. And for many years, I practiced my singing. And I sucked. But I explored my vocal range, seeing what I could do. And I found that it's not just how I sing, but what I sing. Singing is an incredibly artistic way to express emotion. That's what art is to me, expression. And that's the biggest thing about this poem that got to my heart, using art to express emotion. That's what I think art should be for, it should have meaning. Now that meaning doesn't have to be extremly deep. The expression can be simple. But true, art with deeper meaning is always a bit more impressive. I like to look at a painting or a drawing, and be able to find a story, within it. But a lot of times, some people become lost and depressed. I know I have. Some people find violent ways to deal with these issues. But violence is never the answer. Even if it's not depression, just thoughts and feelings that are trapped inside. If you have emotions bottled up inside, let them out, but with art. It can help tremendously, and it creates some of my favorite works of art. Such as this poem, it's a work of art, and I love every word of it. 10/10. And i'm not being fake.
Hey KaiRyu! Here to review your poem as requested! This review might be short, but hopefully, my feedback will help.
'the things' was a little unspecific. I think especially since this is the first line of the poem, it should leave a good impression with poetic specificity.
This one particular area switches tense from the rest of the poem. After these two lines, you switch back to the former tense you were using. I suggest switching these two lines back to past tense. Changing tense can be quite difficult to catch, and it happens to practically everyone.
Right here is where the poem just changes completely. This line is simply telling us what is going on. I think there is a smoother alternative for 'one small problem though'.
I reach a point in the poem where I just got tired of the piece -- not because of the message, but because of the repetitive writing. The plot and message of the poem seem to become repetitive, all because the speaker is doing the same actions over and over. The experience I'm being guided through takes so long when I honestly think the poem could be clipped into something shorter. The length of the poem is writing through an experience for the speaker, yet the message only comes into play with the poem towards the end. I'm anticipating something to happen for so long that I just about become bored. A poem like this could not only be cut shorter for a decrease in repetitive writing but also to enhance the message and have it be the power of the poem.
I felt like emotion lacked in this piece. A very helpful article has been written here if you'd like to learn about emotion in poetry. It really empowers the theme of the poem and also expresses thoughts in poetry.
Because this is a lyrical piece, flow is very important. While I was reading, there were some places where you cut off lines in awkward parts, and keeping a train of thought was hard to have. Often times writers chop off lines in order for a fancy format, but I think in your case it was the ending sound and alliteration of a word. Like this part:
The second line is awkwardly cut off for perhaps the rhyme of 'mind' and 'find'. Even though they rhyme, I still believe flow from one line to another is crucial and perhaps looking through the poem and changing line breaks would increase the flow.
The concept of this was interesting. The speaker had a clear and long experience, but the message of 'different ways' was led up to several interpretations, in my opinion. I had a question, about my interpretation -- are 'different ways' referring to different methods of writing? Or different talents/abilities? That's what was a little confusing. I think the interpretation is better off tighter in this poem, simply because it's based on a specific experience(s) and it's more of a personal poem because of that. So, I think the 'different ways' concept should be better clarified.
I like this poem. It had a nice recognization and discovery feel to it. With the improvements suggested, it's still a quality poem and has lots of potentials. I liked the idea of it -- I think in many ways I could relate to this myself. Thank you for sharing this poem! It was fun to read. Hopefully my review helped you out! <3
LOVELOVELOVELOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is one of the most relatable poems I've seen in a long time.
Everyone has feelings they try so hard to express, in so many different ways. Yet, no matter what you do, be it singing or dancing or writing or painting, you never feel like you've adequately expressed what you want to say. But you work hard and you learn and you share, and you realize that you CAN do this.
This poem makes me happy.
-LJF
Thanks!
Thanks for sharing this poem about an inability to express thoughts and a search on how to do so. One thing to keep in mind when we write a poem is what is it trying to accomplish. Is it trying to arouse Mirth, curiosity, Anger? Disgust? Frustration? Admiration? Determination? Pride? Intolerance? Patience? Empathy? Pity? Compassion? Hatred? Prejudice? Contempt? Appreciation? Wonder? Astonishment? Reverence? In order to do any of these the poem must make the reader feel justified in feeling such emotions. In order to do that the poem must use specifics.
Suggestions:
things [what things?]
Ideas [what ideas?]
emotions [what emotions?]
image [what image?]
what I had created [what was created?]
Melody [What kind of melody?]
....was begged to stop.[Who did the begging?]
different ways [Such as?]
endless possibilities [Such as?]
Please give us as readers some concrete images so we can see and hear them with our mind’s eye and our mind’s ear.
Alrighty, will do! Thank you for the review. ^-^