Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Teen Fiction


Ode To The Snow Day

by KaiGaiBo


I’m tired of you, Snow Day

You force me inside

On my bed, I lay

Thinking of everything

Things in my head reside

Things no one should think of

Sitting with my family,

No denying

Just accepting with no rhapsody

Out in the cold,

Numbing my fingers,

So my story can only be told

Never written in the book of histories

The Snow Day, my mind injures.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
841 Reviews


Points: 664
Reviews: 841

Donate
Sun Jul 08, 2018 12:25 am
Radrook wrote a review...



Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.

That having been said:


I like the way that the poem addresses a snowy day as if it were a person and accuses it of being responsible for forcing the speaker indoors. It opens up many dramatic possibilities involving conflicts of man versus nature. I would have liked the metaphor to be extended so that we could actually see this personified day doing mischief in the speaker’s life.

How is the Snow Day restricting? Has it set back some crucial task such as cutting wood for the fireplace? Is the speaker being deprived of visiting an aged mother down the road once again?
Are the weather coincidences arousing suspicion of malice? Is that the reason for the personification? Only in that way can the reader become emotionally involved in the issue and feel indignation at the dastardly Snow Day.

Usually arousing anger, or a sense of injustice in a reader comes easily when the writer himself feels it and NEEDs to disgorge the frustration on the page. In such cases the phrases of anger come flowing out with vehemence. However, when we choose a subject and TRY to express something that we really aren’t feeling, then that's when the writing will seem mechanical and more like a long list of disinterested complaints. I know because as a writer this constantly happens to me. So it is better to wait to feel all fired up about something.

For example, if the snowy day had landed the speaker in the hospital or had caused some family tragedy, then he would be fervently addressing it as a veritable enemy and the poem would seethe with flying sparks of emotion!

Please note that I tell you this not because I am attempting to annoy but only so that you can understand why writing doesn’t flow sometimes and what we express leave readers unmoved,

Also, I wondered why the word-order was arranged this way in the following line.

“The Snow Day, my mind injures.” instead of writing:
[ The snow day injures my mind.]

Since this is free verse, and no strict rhyme demands are made as in the Sonnets, Villanelles, or Limericks, the only reason I can see for the word-order being employed is because it might be deemed inherently more poetic.

The truth is that unusual word orders tend to distract the reader. How? Well, by diverting the reader’s mind from the concept to the poet himself. The reader begins to wonder why the poet didn’t say it in a usual way. Has he been forced by rhyme scheme? If not, then why is he speaking this way? So based on the distraction that it causes alone it is best avoided.

suggestions

Hinting at the speaker’s age and gender would have been nice. Is the speaker a young boy? A girl? A locked in elderly person?


I’m tired of you, Snow Day[.]

You force me inside [indoors]

On my bed, I lay [“lie”]

[t]hinking of everything[.] [For example?]

Things in my head reside[.] [Where else?]

Things no one should think of [Like what?]

Sitting with my family, [Why should that thought be avoided?]

No denying [No denying what?]

Just accepting with no rhapsody [Accepting what?]

Out in the cold,

Numbing my fingers, [Back outside now? Why?]

So my story can only be told [What story?]

Never written in the book of histories [Why can’t it be written?]

The Snow Day, my mind injures. [ The snow day injures my mind.]

Al in all the poem has great potential. Looking forward to reading more of your work.




User avatar


Points: 44
Reviews: 1

Donate
Sun Jul 01, 2018 6:31 pm
KaiGaiBo says...



A 500 word essay is roughly one (1) page, single spaced or 250 words, double spaced. As an essay usually consists of at least three paragraphs: 1) an introduction, 2) the main body, and 3) a conclusion, most instructions for a short essay are to type a 250 word essay, to be double spaced.




User avatar


Points: 44
Reviews: 1

Donate
Sun Jul 01, 2018 6:29 pm
KaiGaiBo says...



hnjuvtfnvjunrvjunrjuvnrjvrkjnejnvejjekf




User avatar


Points: 44
Reviews: 1

Donate
Sun Jul 01, 2018 6:28 pm
KaiGaiBo says...



4rrr4fgyhirwklbfhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh




User avatar


Points: 65
Reviews: 1

Donate
Tue Jun 05, 2018 6:22 am
XxPrismaticxX wrote a review...



this poem is great work. I love it how it is shown from a perspective of a person and not just a poem in general. it gives people with other opinions an idea into what you would see on a Snow Day.

this is really good to relate to because I would see myself the same way, sitting inside because its snowy wanting to go outside and play. I love how it is just a nice, easy and short poem but it still gives a message and a perspective into a bigger story.

this is a great poem, please do more work like this




User avatar


Points: 96
Reviews: 3

Donate
Tue Jun 05, 2018 4:48 am
DivinePrincess wrote a review...



I love the message behind this poem. I find it really hard as a writer to take one topic, for example: the snow day, and turn it into something more. Bravos to you for that!

Furthermore, I believe that your poem has great word choice and the length is short and straight to the point, which I admire. Even though it's short, the message gets across firmly and it's easy to recognize that the author has a lot on his mind that he/she does not really want to think about.

Getting that out of the way, I believe that maybe the rhyme scheme is a little bit off. Maybe if the rhyme scheme was a little more continuous and catchy, it would allow the poem to flow a little easier. If you read it out loud it could be mistaken for spoken word (Not sure if that's what you were going for, but if so it sounds great), even though you might've been going for free verse.

Overall, I loved this poem! :)





Have a biscuit, Potter.
— Professor McGonagall