Published August 19, 2010
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140,596 Literary Works • 673,545 Reviews
OKay thank you guys..
I'll keep writing.
Ill edit again soon when I have the time-LOL writing is a step by step thing right?!
Yeah so I'll take all the adice..
L8er..
Kaka x
hey kakagirl, its d.f.c., here to review! i did notice some little grammar mistakes, but its still a good story. you should try to portray how Serena felt deep inside, and connect it with what she was seeing. i loved how you made a normal day turn into heart break. you could make it a little longer though, and you could still make her feel despaired. if you can describe Serena in a deep dark pit of sadness, that could work. and if she thinks of the memories she and Aidan had, then of the last one of him, that would also work. but you don't have to make it longer if you don't want to. but if you edit it, make it much more descriptive so whoever reads it feel like they're there. otherwise, the idea of the story itself is good. keep writing.-d.f.c. out!!
Delete the extra period. XD And I took the comma after his.
Aside from the few mistakes I noticed, I liked it! XD
It really is kind of short, but it doesn't matter to me. I really like it.
Keep writing!!!
-KAT <3
Wow I loved it.
Didn't catch much of the big mistakes.
Your still learning, so your pretty good.
I loved it so much! It pulls you in! This is a great piece --but you should edit some more parts like the writers above me mentioned. There needs to be more description on how the people and places look. You switch tenses. Just edit a bit by re-reading and this will be great! Keep Writing!
Nike
Well I edited it.. So is it better..
Need advice.. Where are nice people when I need them!? Tee hee hee only kidding guys.. X X
This was a good story, but it could use a bit more description. You could had made the time frame before she saw them kissing longer. It would had made the story even better, and given the reader a vision where they lived. So they can remember the story more vividly. If you are not happy with your story , you can always re-write it. You should never ever delete it, because then you'll lose confidence in what you can write.
Cheers, CardDragon.
Don't delete it. It's a good story and even though someone told you should change some stuff in it doesn't make it bad. I liked it. I agree that you should add more detail but it was different than most stories I've read. I like how she's going home after eating ice cream and finds them in the alleyway. Most of the time they're at a party or something like that. Keep writing!
Okay uh thanks for the Advice..
I really don't wanna add on to this story,I mean make it longer..
I feel that if I wrote longer that, it would destroy her sense of despair.
I'm sorry.. but If that's what you really think.. I don't want people reading this story!!
Kaka x x
Hi, Kakagirl!
Pink here, dropping by for a review!
Loose the second capital 'M' and make whatever she's thinking in italics.
Mmm...I thought.
Too many 'had's.
I stopped when I saw the ice-cream parlor and had happily chosen a whipped ice-cream with two flakes.
"You stinking little rat(,)" I yelled. "How could you? I mean, what did I do to deserve this?!"
Try not to use all caps. Watch out for correct quotation punctuation and look out for commas.
Capital 'I'. Three periods after to, not two.
Also, why is there the 'I interrupted' part there? That should be in the next line if it's the girl who's going to be saying something next. Remember to start new paragraphs every time a new speaker is speaking.
Overall
This is piece is gravely short. Add more descriptions to make it the scenes more vivid and give your characters a more 3D look. Explain things a little clearly, too. I noticed you do a lot more telling than showing and there wasn't much description or imagery. I would work on that.
This piece can connect to a lot of different people but you need a more gripping beginning and maybe some more background with your characters would help too. Keep writing,
Cheers!
~Pink
EDIT
You don't have to delete it! D8
I had no intention of being harsh or whatever. I just wanted to help your writing and make you better.
You can always rewrite it, no worries.
But don't delete, it's unfair for the story lol.
My first Romantic story.
Hope its ok..
Review please!!
Kakagirl X X