Published August 27, 2010
This story was deleted due to problems caused by comments. Ill post it under a different name soom.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,415 Literary Works • 672,559 Reviews
Well, I "liked" it. Like what almost everyone else has said, you need more depth with your characters. Explain why they do what they do. Doing two perspectives ought to be a challenge, you shouldn't make their point of views identical. It was an interesting story. I like the concept but it leaves me wanting more, and not in the good way. Also, spell check. you misspelled some words. Kay? Please do not stop writing just because you don't think people will like it. Write because you want to.
Oy, calm down everyone. If someone does indeed make a completely useless comment, or make an excessively harsh comment, please contact a moderator (we're the guys in the green names). We will mediate. Also, you can report comments. Just click the triangle with the exclamation mark and all the moderators and administrators will be able to see the comments that are reported.
He is soooo funny and he just hits high school on the head and makes it delightfully fun and twisted. 
Now... back to topic please?
The story, actually, reminded me of Gordon Korman's work... which is a good thing! I love that man's work.
One thing that you probably want to expand... the story! I mean, one of the things that makes Gordon Korman's work so wonderful is that it's not just one problem going on at once... it's about twenty! So yeah, Lee likes Ethan and Ethan likes Lee but they don't want to admit it... add TONS more conflict! Trust me. It'll be so chaotic and awesome that everybody will be clamoring to read this!
Also, this is a little comment but... um... Nate (our administrator) actually calls himself Lee in real life. So, seeing Lee as a girl is kind of a shock at first! You may consider making Lee a more... feminine name. But that's up to you! It's just weird for me.
Hi, I'm Sporks and I'll join this group of reviewing, as I saw this on Featured Works and was intrigued. I must admit, this is the most rough...unedited piece I've seen on here. I realize you seem to be rather angry at reviews that point out things that you can improve on, but really, Kaka, that's what reviews are for. We're not here to bully you or hurt you. We want to help. :] And honestly, telling borntobeawriter that she needs lessons on kindness is quite ungrateful. She took a lot of time trying to help you...not hurt you. That said, onto MY review. I'm thorough and rather matter-of-fact by nature. It's not because I'm rude. Don't take it that way, haha.
Red is grammar, green is word choice change, purple is my commentary.
Grammar
As you can see, there are quite a few errors in your piece. It's not a bad thing---we all start somewhere. I think trying proofreading or perhaps even using Word's (if you use Word, that is) grammar checker to help out. Also, there are plenty of resources on the web.
Oh, and a *teeny* nitpick. You use ellipses (...) quite a lot. That ruins the flow of a piece. As my writer friend Becca wrote on the board in creative writing, "Use..........ellipses sparingly............and never...consecutively."
Plot
You have a great idea here. There is a lot of potential to this piece. You need to work on a few things though. 1. Characterization. Ethan and Lee are virtually indistinguishable. In fact, in your May 20th part, until I reached the name Lee, I thought your POV had reverted to Lee. 2. Plot. Right now, your piece is very thin, and we can tell something is going to happen to Lee and Ethan at the cinema. You might want to reveal details in a smoother way, so that the reader isn't ahead of the story already. It loses appeal that way. The idea itself can be very, very good, but the execution needs some polishing. Also, one last thing, you need Likes to be confident enough to write more? That isn't very good. You need to write for your own enjoyment, and others will pick up on it and will enjoy it, and like it of their own accord, not because you pleaded for likes.
And don't say romance just isn't your thing based on reviews that are meant to help...don't degrade us and throw our reviews away and treat them like that. That's really counterproductive. And I'll say this one more time, you have a GREAT idea, and your piece has potential.
Overall
Good idea, good potential with the POV changes, needs work on grammar, execution, and a bit of plot construction and characterization.
If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.
Keep Writing!
~Sporks
Hello, I am Theo, and I would like to review your piece tonight.
Okay, this one really intrigued me. I like the way that they are similar to high school students, the jealousy and the confusion that goes along with dating. Although I think you should pour the act on Chloe a little bit more, I get the feeling that she is possessive, but you don't show it very well. Maybe play up her character a bit more.
Anyway, I would love to see more from you. *Goes to click the like button.*
WOW! O.o Letting off a bit of steam there, eh? haha
Not trying to be mean here, but maybe you should try using spell check. (All mistakes in red)
I know you were probably mad and just trying to get it all out in a rush. But this website is for young writers. And we don't use text slang as in ... 'dunno' and we try not to make mistakes. Maybe slow down your writing.
Please, please, don't get angry at me! This actually sounds a bit bitchy even to myself, i'm sorry if you take this the wrong way. Please don't! I was just a bit bored :/
If you have anything you would like me to review PM me and i'll be happy to help you out!!
Born
Hey kaka,
That was amazing!!!!!!!!! There were a few spelling errors like Sa5m and suppos but other than that no real problems. If you are thinking about turning this into a novel, from one writer to another I say GO FOR IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Good luck to you kaka.
You know what sorry guys! But brontobeawriter, I didn't threaten not to write anymore,and you made me sound a whole lot worse! I deleted that comment,Just to suite you!
xxxxxxxxx
I was just a bit I dunno,nervous!
You really were BLUNT.
I DO appreciate your comments but certainly not your last once! I was just disappinted.
Mabye you should take kindness and temperment lessons,
Thank you everyone else..
Geez i sound really mad?! Huh
Maybe I'm worng but does anyone else agree with me?!
not you borntobeawriter!!
Thanks to nice people..
Kakagirl
I know this is my second comment to this story. But i wanted to mention something else. I completly agree with borntobeawriter. You don't appreciate the time and effort we give on YWS to help a writer write better! To tell you the truth, no one not even me likes bad comments! We dont give bad comments, we just help.
Please appreciate this!
Nike
I'm going to be very blunt here and say that I didn't appreciate your reply to our comments. We went through the effort of pointing out where you could work on your story and this is answer? That is the perfect way of making sure you won't get reviewed again.
If you'll notice, we pointed out what we liked and didn't like. To help you improve. It is the way it is done for every chapter we review. Would you have preferred we lied and said it was all great and needed no work? Honestly? How is that helping you evolve in your writing? How would that be constructive?
You can't come here and demand we like your work, threathen to never write again if we don't, and then insult the hard work we put into helping you. Please just keep that in mind.
Tanya
Hey
I really liked this. It has pontential to go somewhere. But maybe lengthen it some more.
Hey kakagirl! Here on request, and just to let you know, I am following you. I know, stalker, right?
Anyway, first of all I'd like to say that I do like the way this story is going, idea wise. Um, it's interesting, the whole making people jealous situation. You don't hear that really often, yeah it's common, but the way you do it just seems new and interesting, probably because of the way you switch POVs.
I must say that to me it just seems like you're hearing their thought, which I mean is obvious because it's 1st person. But I want to be in the hallway with them! Not stuck inside their cramped head. Give some descriptions about what it's like out there. Are there teachers yelling "No PDA!" when they grab hands? Or is there a giant dinosaur biting people's heads off right around the corner? Because from where I am I can't really tell the difference.
And like borntobeawriter said
That would explain a whole lot more.
And I know it's just the first chapter, but what's the relationship between Lee and Ethan? What's going on, how do they know each other, where did they meet? If you don't want to have it right away, like some people do to keep people reading, just make sure you don't forget it later.
And back to being stuck in their heads. You can't tell anything from up there. What do they look like other than Chloe has black hair, Ethan likes to smirk, and Lee is thin. How long has Lee known Luke? What you have here are skin and bones, you have the outline and the start, but you need 1: description and 2: background.
Now I have liked this because, well isn't it obvious, I like this story! And I don't think you should wait for people to like it or review it to continue. If you want to continue this then do so, if you want to stop it, then do so. Write for yourself, write because it makes you happy, don't always depend on people commenting on it and liking it because I've been down that rode and it isn't pretty. Now I do think you really have something here and you should continue it. And I will keep reading and reviewing.
Thanks for the review on my story. PM me if you have any questions
-iheartbooks♥
P.S. I usually never write a review this long unless it's about something I trully think can be good. So keep uup the good work with whatever you end up doing.
Hey kakagirl! First time in Romance... that's great that you decided to try! For your first time this is great! I loved the plot and concept of the story. I liked it when you switched characters. This is a great piece!
What you should do is: 1.-Add Description! I don't know where you are and how it looks like! And your characters, make them look like something! Description, do 3-D.
2.-When the people talk do spell check, you spelled some words wrong --not only in speech.
3.-Be more into the story, re-read it and pretend to be your main character (which in your case is
two people)
I loved it! Add more parts and edit! I wanna see more of this! Keep Writing!
Nike
Kay..edited Ethans part and er added on some more. NO likes yet tho.
Romance must not be my thing.
Kaka
Thanks guys..
Oh well
I don't think Romance is my thing!
Hello there Kaka!
Here to review.
Forgive me if you see my review vague since I've written this at night and for repetitions too, if ever. First off, two point of views should have been a tough challenge for you, huh? The first thing that I've noticed is the informality of your story. Well I'm not quite sure of this because I'm guessing this is sort of a diary of two characters?
So, I think the idea you have here is pretty good but how you've written this actually needs much improvement. The second thing I've noticed also is that you've placed too much ellipses here, which is a bit annoying to read because it cuts the flow. Try lessening your ellipses and only write them when it really is necessary. And be watchful when it comes to your punctuations too, some are improperly placed.
As for the plot itself, you need the characters to speak up more. I mean, yes both Lee and Ethan are both confused, but don't only show it through their physical actions. It's because in my opinion, you need to add this a bit of a spice and give more emotions. There are stories which pretty have the same idea as yours here, which make this cliche' also. For example, don't tell us that Ethan likes how Lee gets angry when he smirks at her but show us his eyes content or even his cheeks blushing or something that could really draw your reader to like your characters. For short, make us feel what your two characters are feeling.
All in all, I find this pretty cute. So my suggestion is that, try editing this up and check your spellings, punctuations and everything that you feel like correcting on. It's because I feel like this is just a very rough draft. But I could really see that this has potential. PM me for questions.
Keep writing!
Peace out!
~yuri
Hi there-
I liked that you changed perspective.. I would have like more in-depth characters though, and a bit more subtle descriptions. The ones you had were pretty blunt, and did not endear me to the characters much. I feel no connection with them. I would also work on the grammar.. the utter lack of spaces in some of the sentences were really distracting, and though small, really detracted from the piece as a whole. I would consider lengthening this if you enjoy it. You don't need our praises or encouragement... if you're enjoying writing it, if you think it will amount to something or help develop your style further, then go for it.
Nice piece.
-Coral-
Hi there!
This is an interesting concept: narrating the story from two different points of view is intruiging. However, both characters seem a little flat - they are basically saying the same thing. I think that you should make both of them narrate longer, so we get more of a sense of who they are, see them as individuals.
Lee seems quite a jealous person. The thing that puzzles me: why does she like Ethan? I think he should be described from her point of view, show the reader why she is so very jealous. Maybe you could add in a little bit of back story: how long have they known each other? Where did they meet? It's hard to understand her feelings for him at the moment, because we don't know enough about them.
I think you could expand more on Ethan's feelings. His situation must be quite confusing for him: show it. It would be good if there was some dialogue between Ethan and Lee, some action to pull in the reader.
Why does he smirk at her? It makes him seem mean :/ Maybe you could explain, give a reason. It's like her enjoys her pain, which makes him quite unlikeable.
That all said, you should definitly continue with this. Make sure to read it through carefully - there are a few capital letters where ther shouldn't be, etc. But it makes for an interesting read, if you could just expand a little more. Remember to write for yourself, we're just here to help
PM me with any questions, and hope I helped!
~Lilicia
I would have liked to know the characters more. The concept I liked. The personality you showed of your characters I liked and I liked the conflict but it seemed two-dimensional.
Hey Kakagirl,
Well, I decided to come check out your story after reading that you wouldn't post anymore without our likes. Well. I'm here. First of all, I have to ask. Who do you write for? Yourself? Or for us? You should write, and write and post and learn from your reviewers. If you don't get any off the bat, look in the forums for tabs written: Will review for food. That way, you will get reviews. And what also helps is when you review yourself. Other users check your review, then decide to check you out. So don't wait for us, just give us something to work with, ok?
That being said, your present chappie doesn't say much. It's intriguing but quite redundant. Everything that Lee says is immediately repeated by Ethan. Why? What's the point? We learn nothing more from Ethan's point of view. What I suggest is making the whole chapter from first Lee's POV, then a second one with Ethan. We'll get to know them, their thoughts, their actions. You're going to have to be careful to make Ethan likable and not just some cheatiing schmuck. THis is where the allure of giving him his whole chapter comes into play. Let him interact with Chloe, on a date or something, and show us his relationship with her. Have her flash her heavy make-uped eyes, then have have compare to Lee's natural eyes. Or something. You know what I mean?
If you have any questions, Pm me. Just make sure to define your characters well and to stay away from clichés.
Let me know when you've worked on it? and keep writing!
Tanya
Heey..
I mean its my first Romantic story so I need to know whether its good enough to continue! 
So its all up to you guys!! but whatevs!!
If I get enough Likes and reviews I'll continue this..I'm not sure its up to stantard!!
Haha-Hope you like it.
KAKA X