Published August 31, 2011
She has one cradled in the palm of her hand. She's watching a small, yellow flame settle, and when the end of her cigarette glows she puts the lighter into her ruck-sack. She's sucking all of it in and her cheeks pull in so tightly, her bones stick out like scrawny chicken wings. Her eyes are closed and so deeply sunken into her fore-head that you can barely see them. When she breathes out, her whole body shudders and I can't help but wonder why. Pleasure? It's hard to tell. Even though the cigarette is buried beneath her lips, she is smiling, the dimples at the corners of her mouth becoming visible. She places the cigarette inbetween her middle finger and her index, and blows out a small cloud of grey smoke. She coughs.
Once ... twice ... three times.
Now she's doubled over, clutching her stomach and coughing so hard, I think she might get sick.
Good.
It's stopped now. The coughing, and she's sucking on her cigarette again, pleasure floating over her face and settling somewhere in the back of her eyes. But they're closed again. Her eyes. I close mine too, I try to visualise the tar clinging to her lungs and slowly luring her to death, I see the smoke smothering her heart, enveloping it in grey dust. You'd wonder how something so small can do so much wouldn't you? I mean it's only a tiny thing. Maybe two .. three inches? And it does it all. It's practically death in a paper roll. I open my eyes and find her eyes are open too, and she's watching me. Our eyes lock and still holding my gaze, she takes a long, slow drag and puffs out the smoke as if to my face. She's disgusted by me, and I by her. But that is how it should be, how it must be. She looks away as she watches the cigarette flutter to the floor of New York's city sidewalk.
At last.
Suddenly she's reaching inside her ruck-sack and before I can turn my back on her, a cigarette is in her hands again, a lighter in the other. My eyes close in on the contents of her hands and then, I start walking towards her. Faster. Faster and faster, until I'm running. Until I'm there. Right beside her, so close I can see the acne she's covered up by her make-up and the stubble underneath her eyebrows where she's in need of another wax. She smirks, a defiant little scoundrel.
"Give up."
And that, is the last thing I ever hear her say.
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138,475 Literary Works • 672,141 Reviews
Hey Kagi! Sorry this took so long...I've been swamped! I appreciate the request though.
I'd replace that comma with a "that", or just take it out. As it is I stumbled over it while reading.
For me, these sentences don't fit. They're too informal for the poetic tone you've established.
Overall, I have an automatic issue with this simply because of its topic, which isn't your fault at all. It's preachy. Any piece about the horrors of smoking as the main conflict is going to be preachy, which is something you probably knew from the get-go, and for that I admire you for still going at it. For the first half you avoid it as best as you can, but then comes her heroic attempt to "save" the girl. Now, don't get me wrong-- I think smoking is awful. But the viewpoint you've shown here-- portraying the smoker as the "bad-guy", so to speak, doesn't sit so well with my. I think it's because of the POV. This outside, first person POV does little for me-- frankly, I care much more about this interesting smoker who tells strangers on the street to "Give up" than I am this passerby. As a general rule, it's not good, in fiction, if your narrator has no active role in the story, and this one doesn't, really, except to walk up to her. The narrator is simply a filter for the readers to learn about the smoker, which I think third person would do just fine in, maybe third person limited that shows some of the smoker's thoughts too.
Besides message and POV issues, I also found the ending strange. Saying that that was the last thing she ever heard the smoker say is strange-- it implies that she died very suddenly, right after the narration ended, which doesn't happen with smoking. Lung cancer is not a sudden death, as I'm sure you know. I'm assuming you mean that at that point the smoker walked away and never saw the narrator again-- in which case, you should just say so. As it is, it's misleading!
Overall, I liked a lot of the images in the beginning, and I liked a lot of the characterization of this street-side smoker, but I think it could be a stronger piece with a shift in narrator and some ending-tweaking. Frankly, I'd suggest you take this character, expand on her, and use her in a different piece. With things such as smoking, I find that they work better as habits of characters rather than plots of stories-- it's simply not enough on its own to keep a story afloat, especially if it's longer than this one. Since this was so short, it wasn't a huge problem, but just be wary of that in the future!
PM me for anything. =D
~Evi
After about 10 years, I'm finally here. I've got something like 10 things on my reading list, so I'm trying to get through a many of them as I can today. Because I'm so late, loads of people seem to have already given you good reviews, so I might end up looking like a crippled turtle when I give you t his review...
But yeah! Anyways. I did like the idea of this. I also think a lot of people would be better off without smoking, but on the other hand, I know it's their decision in the end. I like the message you were creating in this, and I think you had one or two interesting descriptions dotted around in here. It was a pretty short piece, so I'm not sure how much I'll have to say in this review.
I have to agree it Murtle on this. This line gives off the impression that your narrator actually knows the person who's smoking, but I'm pretty sure you didn't intend that. By saying that it's the last thing the narrator ever hears this woman say, it implies that the narrator has said plenty of things to her before. Maybe I'm wrong, and maybe the narrator does actually know this smoker personally, but I don't think that is the case.
If you edit the last line into something similar to this, I think the problem would be fixed. Something as simple as that would work well, I think. If I'm wrong, and the narrator is actually supposed to know the other woman, then ignore this. On the other hand, if she is supposed to know the woman, I'd suggest for you to hint at that fact earlier on.
I also agree with what the others have mentioned about this piece being a bit one-sided. You do an awful lot of describing how wrong smoking is, and how it's a ridiculous habit, but it all sounds a bit biased to me. I mean, smoking isn't just a habit. It's an addiction. I found myself disagreeing with some of what you said too. For example, when the narrator said that she didn't understand why the woman smoked, and that you made it feel like the fact she did, in fact, smoke was all her fault. For all the narrator knows, this woman's parents always smoked around her as a child, and she may have suffered form abuse, and smoking was the only way she felt like she could free herself from the horrid world of her childhood.
If we found out that the narrator's grandfather or something had died because of his intense smoking habit, then it may not have been such a problem because we could see where her hatred comes from.It would make her seem less judgemental for no particular reason. If we knew the narrator had been personally effected by smoking, then her attitude would be more understandable and acceptable. It's just that, right now, it feels like she's being unfairly accusing towards the woman who smokes.
Basically, I liked the smoker more than the narrator, which is totally not what you were going for, I don't think. >.< I'm not saying you have to explain how amazing smoking is and how everyone should do it, but I'd like to see at least some kind of understanding towards the girl and her habit.
One thing I think you could do that would help with the above is to really describe the horrible effects of smoking. You describe the smoking, but you only scratch the surface. You mention her acne and her eyebrows, but you don't describe the really icky stuff. I think you need to describe the details in far more, err, detail. Describe what the tobacco does to people's organs, how it rots their teeth, how it destroys the lungs e.t.c. To do this, you would have to research the effects of smoking, so it would mean some effort, but if you want your readers to really be disgusted at the though of smoking, then you really need to get into the details.
Negatives aside, I think this piece has loads of potential. I just think it needs some tweaking here and there. With a bit of editing, I think this could be awesome.
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
Hi Kagii! My head is cured and I'm back to reviewing!
I don't usually review short stories and stuff since I personally think I'm better at reviewing poems but I love reading them!
Also, the previous reviewer did a pretty great work and managed to catch all flaws and good stuff, but since you asked for one... here comes MY review;
So I'll begin with saying I really liked this piece. It was an interesting read on a usual topic written in an unusual way!
Smoking is a real worldwide problem and it's so sad that there are so many people who get hooked on cigarettes. It's bad for their health, it's bad for their economy and it doesn't make their friends and family yell hurray exactely.
So I really admire the way you managed to deliver this important message in this clean of a way with such few words. It's cool how you capture the mind of an obsessivly smoking person with such vivid descriptions, the most convincing part is how you keep mentioning her smile and how she smiles even though she's sucking in smoke that makes her cough and hurt.
All of your descriptions were really good and vivid! I liked these lines espacially much;
"I try to visualise the tar clinging to her lungs and slowly luring her to death, I see the smoke smothering her heart, enveloping it in grey dust."
There were a fre oddly worded stuff but Murtle did mention all of them and none of them needs to be mentioned twice... or maybe the last two lines does. They are like the words that stick on your mind after you're done reading and I agree on it being wierd for you to write as if the narrator knew this girl for a long time when to me it seemed as if she was just watching her from afar. Maybe you wanted it that way, but I think it would make a better impression if you wrote it as if it was just anyone watching anyone else.
Anieehows! I loved the story, loved the message, loved the way you wrote it the one thing I want to insist on is that you change the end-lines... Not much, just a teenzie tinzy bit! xD
Good Luck & Keep Writing
// Demoness
Ok, I've replied to most reviews. Thanks for everything guys, I really appreciate the effort you put into the reviews and the lovely likes that some people have donated.
All in all, thanks a bunch you guys!
This did not fit, and it's rather obvious that you inserted this here just to satisfy a reviewer.
How is having a cigarette between one's lips and smiling mutually exclusive? People smile while smoking all the time, so this sentence doesn't make sense.
At this point, the number of sentences beginning with "She verbed" has reached saturation. It's tedious to read, which flattens the narrative, making it much less interesting than it could be.
Awkward punctuation here. A comma would be better.
Then how is the narrator seeing the pleasure? Transitions: needed.
Why the fragments, then later a run on? If you were attempting to throw off the reader's rhythm to create a sense of off-ness, you succeeded, but in an undesirable direction in my case. It's more annoying than anything. Study rhythm. Read lots of poetry. Examine how noted authors who play with rhythm to create atmospheres in their writing manipulate pauses, sentence structures, and vocabulary to reinforce the intended atmosphere. There's more to it than just scattering fragments and run-ons about, and you are sorely lacking reinforcement from the vocabulary and structural side of things.
And out of nowhere comes a case of second-person, a case which had me immediately going "No, I wouldn't."
Second person is tricky. It was not used well here, not only because of the assumption it made, but also because it appears out of nowhere, never to be returned to again.
The title drop made me wince. If I could suggest a better title, I would, but nothing better comes to mind.
"As if to my face" makes no sense as a phrase. "As if to" leads up to an action, not a location.
Why must it be? Personally, I'm not buying it.
... What? Floors are found indoors or inside forests last I checked, and sidewalks were a perfectly valid ground surface in their own right to have things dropped upon. Not to mention the floor addition makes this phrase much, much longer than it has any reason to be. Just "the New York City sidewalk" would more than suffice.
Ewno. Kill the "suddenly". Suddenly = contrived.
Just how far apart are the two characters? From all the description earlier on, I'd have thought they would be within arm's reach of one another. Not far enough away that the narrator has time to reach running speed from a slow walk.
Her smirk is a scoundrel?
These last two lines imply that the narrator knows the smoker and has known her for a long while. Yet there is nothing in the rest of the narrative that supports this implication.
Overall, I felt a lot was missing from this. What details were present were muddled, even contradictory at times, and crucial details like the distance between the characters and how long they'd known each other were nowhere to be found.
In addition, I felt no horror. This piece irritated me more than anything with how bland the language was overall, how repetitive the sentence structures, and how judgmental the overall tone of the piece was. None of these are conducive to creating an air of horror, which is what you seemed to be aiming for.
There were perhaps only two images that could qualify as horror material, and they were describing her cheekbones as chicken wings and the smothering of her heart in grey dust. The rest was generic or tangential to the physical effects of smoking, and as a result, there is no real clear, horrifying picture painted of the results of smoking. Instead, we get a description about how she's in need of an eyebrow wax and her acne.
Going back to how judgmental the overall tone of this piece was, the most horrifying stories leave the judgement up to the reader. They do not make the judgement for the reader, which is what this piece does. Ambiguity is a must in horror as what is unknown and uncertain is infinitely more horrifying than what is revealed. Ambiguity is what allows your readers' minds to begin churning up and exploring all the most horrifying consequences and results without their even meaning to. Horror taps into the subconscious, and it is up to you to figure out how to tap into the subconscious of your readers so that they feel the same (or greater) horror you experienced and want them to experience. And the quickest way to figure that out it is to analyze and observe the great horror writers' works. You're likely familiar with Poe from school; he wrote a fair amount, much of which most schools don't cover, so I suggest you check him out more extensively.
All-in-all, this piece really wasn't to my liking, mainly because of how judgmental it was. Judgmental pieces such as this are very hit-or-miss, and it was a definite miss in this corner, even though I agree that smoking is a terrible habit.
Hi Kagi dear!
I must say I liked this. Sorry, I'm a bit late, I had to wait for the weekend to start the reviewing. ^^ Anyway. Onto the story and comments.
So, did you have a word limit? It seemed like you did. In all, I liked it, with some good picturization and thoughts. Good work on that. You could trying adding some 'oomph' into the end. As in phrase things in such a way, that it packs in a punch without being dramatic.
And finally, nice title!
Cheers!
~Lava
Question/Comments - you know the drill!
Hey there!
I loved the title, it really drew me in. Your writing was awesome. I could clearly see everything going on; it was mesmerizing. Loved it. Girl in the picture's pretty.
I was told (thumbs up Joshuapaul!) to avoid ellipses in stories as much as possible. So..yeah. Also, I didn't get why this part was in italics. It's not exactly the narrator's thought, but part of the story, right? And I think it would be better if you used 'thrice' instead of three times.
Replace the ellipses with a comma.
Hehehe, love this.
I think this sentence is too long.
I'd like to know a little bit more about the narrator. Who is she/he, and what relationship does she/he have with the smoker chick? From the last line, I can guess that the narrator has tried more than once to dissuade her from smoking, but why? Otherwise, I loved it. GREAT job.
Hey there, Kagi.
Well, the point and the message you were aiming at was pretty cleanly developed here I think, and you did it in such a short span of words. That's probably what makes it so appealing to read. Smoking is deadly and yet the pleasure and addiction some people have toward it is baffling. The way you've gone and described that here not only opened up your point, but it opened up a window for your readers to see into where the pleasure of the smoker stems from. You paint an almost mesmerizing picture, which in essence made the scene so intriguing. I have no complaints about it really.
I also enjoyed this because you're obviously bringing out the fact that it is a really nasty habit to hold, smoking. D: I can't stand the whole habit myself, I think it's gross. The way the smell sticks to your clothes and yellows your teeth and fingernails. It's deadly and yet people still do it. They know it's bad yet it can either be almost impossible to quit without having the need to come back to it at nearly any moment, or the person knows it's bad but they just don't want to quit. They enjoy it so they continue doing it. This was naturally what your story was wrapped around, I'm guessing.
At first your ending didn't completely register to me, the way the girl said "Give up". Mostly because I was more so expecting this to be something coming from the speakers mouth. Considering she was the one to storm up to the smoker I thought she might be the one to say "Quit!" or something. Seeing as this picture bothered her so much. But then after thinking about it, it seemed to dampen the mood in an appropriate way the way you made the ending. This smoker lady was suggesting for the speaker of the story to give in to whatever she's opposed about smoking and cigarettes and just fall for the addiction.
Well, all in all, I don't really have much bad to say about this piece I suppose. Some works are just simple and short, yet still descriptive and leave an impression. Whether that impression be small or large, I think that's what this was here. Others may disagree and think it's strangely lacking something bigger, but really, what you have here is something in itself. Some things just are the way they are, and you can't really explain them. A great example, smokers!
But anyway, nice job on it. It's interesting what some writers can create in such few paragraphs. Keep up the good work.
-Smylin'
Hey-
Great work here. Only saw a few grammatical mistakes, but it was so enveloping overall. I love the tension between the girl and the writer. It was a nice way to express hatred for the act of smoking. Keep up the good work!
~Jess
Good day, my lovely Kagi! I shall review this for you, because you requested it and what-not.
So, to start things off, I'm going to sniff around your concept a bit here. I agree with what you're saying here, I really do, but something about it caused me to lose interest in the piece nearer to the end. I'm going to assume that it's dragged out for so long. Granted, this piece is very short, but you don't even need everything you have here to get your point across. And even though I can sort of relate to your narrator, there's something about her point of view that just... Lacks something.
Now, I'm just going to assume that this something is insight. Understandably, the average Joe on re street wouldn't have much insight into the mind of a smoker anyways, so I can't even elaborate here. But who is your narrator? Does she know other smokers? Or maybe she struggled with it once herself, or volunteered at a hospital where they were treating victims of smoking? I don't know, there was just something flat there, but I can't quite put my finger on it.
Honestly, if I'm going to be totally truthful here, I would rather have read the piece from the smoker's point of view, or had both views mixed in there. What I wanted to see in this piece was the struggle that the smoker was facing- her reasoning and her "needs." You can, I suppose, still capture this better in the point of view that the story is set in now, but you're going to need to get into things a little more than just pleasure crossing the smoker's face.
And then we're back at the beginning- te part where I saidthat the story seemed to drag out too much. I think that this was because of the lack of delving into how the smoker really feels and all of that- it was just a lot of what the narrator would see without taking a deeper glance. A piece like this requires a perspective that doesn't condone smoking, but at least gives the reader an idea of what this person might be feeling. Agh, I'm not making any sense again, am I?
Anyways, before I start rambling more, I will say that I did enjoy te piece quite a bit, but I expected a little more from it.
Please for the love of both of our sanity, PM me if you need clarification or if you have questions.
Good job and keep writing,
~~Ish.
Hey Kagi!
I so agree with this. I work in my parent's Off licence and we sell cigarettes. It's surprising the amount some people get through. I mean, one man comes in for fourty, sometimes fifty, cigarettes a day. It's depressing to think that some people waste a lot of their money on something that can kill them. I'm not saying they're bad people though. It's up to them whether they smoke or not. It's their lives and their money, after all. One of my best friend's smokes and there's nothing I can say to her to make her give up.
I liked the way you told this piece. It was simple yet effective. I liked the descriptions you used, especially her facial expressions when she was sucking on the cigarette. The chicken wings bit was great.
The comma needs to be a full stop.
There's no need for the dash as it's one word.
That's all for nit-piks, so well done. For such a short piece, you did well to tell a story. I was a bit confused as to who the narrator was though. Was it Death? I don't know what makes me say that - the ending maybe. If it's not Death, though, I'd consider changing it or adding in something so that the reader knows something about the narrator. Something as simple as gender. I'd also like to know why the narrator is so against smoking. That could only be something small too, maybe how one of their parent's smokes and they hate the smell and the thought of them killing them self one little white stick at a time. Or maybe somebody they knew died from smoking.
I liked this, Kagi. It was brilliant, seeing as you only wrote it after something that happened at a bus stop.
Anna
that was interestinggg.
As a rule, I couldn't agree more with this piece!
I despise smoking. Can't imagine why anyone would do it, why would you give your life away for something so disgusting? It makes no sense.
You've really captured the smoker's spirit here. Enjoying it quite a bit, then suffering, but not seeming to care about it. This piece is so tragic, even though you capture how much the victim has enjoyed it. Though it's about something so simple as smoking it's so twisted and evil seeming.
The only thing I would change is the fact that it's written in present tense. It's very uncommon, and is really odd to read. You did it well, but as a personal preference I prefer past tense, it's easier to follow than present tense I have found.
Either way I really loved this, and you did an amazing job!