Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.
The night is dark as I drive home and sing along to my favorite song. Then I get a call from my favorite person. I happily accept and put it on speaker so that I can put down my phone.
Laughing I say, “Jello, Yellow, Hello!?” My favorite inside joke with my favorite person. A laugh, pause, and then, “look at the video I sent you when you get home” you had said.
Shrugging I agreed, then clicked the red button. Anticipating my arrival, I went faster, with the wind in my hair. I park and take out my phone once again. And the first text I read from you is “she had a better body than you.”
My heart shatters. My mind goes blank. I click the video and suddenly I dread it. The video is of a girl who is so perfect. Perfect hair, perfect body, perfect breasts, perfect, perfect, perfect.
And I am none of that.
I cry. I cry until my eyes hurt and my nose runs. And when I am done crying I scream. I scream until my voice is gone. I hate my body. Because I am not her. I am not perfect. I am not pretty. I do not have pretty breasts. I am not good enough.
When I feel empty enough to do so, I pick up a pencil and paper, and I write.
——- self love battle——-
“Her body is prettier than yours”
Fuck off.
“Her eyes are shinier than yours”
Screw you.
“I’m just kidding my love”
Grow up.
“She just caught my attention that’s all”
I hate myself.
I will never love myself. Not after that comment.
Shame. Guilt. Hatred. towards myself is my truth.
I am nothing special.
I. Am. No. One.
No fucking one.
-
I am an insignificant grain of sand.
I will never be pretty enough.
I will never be her.
I want—- peace.
-
I don’t want to resort to suicide
People say that those who go through life are so brave.
In reality, all of those people who are brave, are already dead.
I am not brave. Just like I am not pretty.
But, it doesn’t stop me from hoping, wishing, praying for an end.
-
Waking up is hard when you have nothing to be proud of.
Going to work is hard when your eyes are sleepless, nose is red, and mind is numb.
I don’t want to be here anymore.
I set down my pencil. Hands shaking, body shivering, eyes stinging. Deep breath. Because it’s time to be brave. Not brave like a superhero, brave like all of those souls who couldn’t bear life anymore.
I shift my car back into drive. Slam on the gas. 50, 80, 100, 105. I can see the shimmering red of the brick. Every little particle of dirt. And then it’s gone.
Authors note: I’ve had that in my drafts for a while, but I wanted to make a better ending for it. It was supposed to be one of those tragic endings, but I think it deserved more.
Lights flashed behind my closed eyes. Red. Blue. Red. Blue. Red. Blue. I can hear people shouting and giving orders as I lay there. I can feel hands gently grabbing me and moving me. I try to open my eyes and move. Or even lift a finger. I can’t. And then there is black.
——
When I wake up this time, I am in a hospital. I am told of what I did to myself and that it is a miracle that I survived. I don’t feel like a miracle but I smile and nod.
It’s only months later can I say that I feel like a miracle. Life has moved on, and I found someone that values me. Not that I need the reassurance anymore. I can truly say I love myself. It’s taken a long time for me to pick back up that pencil, but today is the day that I can truly write:
I want to be here.
Not because someone says they love me,
But because I love myself.
I have learned not to compare myself to others.
Because God created all of us in his own image.
And while someone may seem prettier than me in the eye,
I have a better heart.
I have a better laugh.
I have a better smile.
And who am I to judge someone else. Who am I to judge me.
Peace doesn’t come through death.
Peace comes through accepting who we are.
Peace comes from loving yourself.
I had to learn that the hard way.
It’s not worth going down that path.
For some may be brave, but I am strong.
I am Lysandra Coven. And this is my story.
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Hello! I don't typically write critiques, but I felt compelled to share my thoughts on this piece. The exploration of the pain and anguish that comes with being compared to others, particularly in terms of physical appearance, is incredibly powerful.
The raw and intense emotions conveyed in the writing are palpable, and I found myself deeply moved by the experience.
My only suggestion would be to further delve into the depths of these emotions, using vivid and descriptive language to truly capture the magnitude of the feelings. The portrayal of the impact of comparison on one's mental state is thought-provoking and resonant.
While the mention of suicide is a heavy and difficult topic, it adds a layer of truth and authenticity to the piece. Overall, this work is moving and impactful and has the potential to deeply resonate with many individuals. Keep writing and sharing your voice, as it is a powerful and important one.
Hiya there! This is Orabella, here with a quick review. ^^
Like you, I'm posting this on my phone, so no idea about format. From my view, your formatting looks good so no worries there!
I just gotta say - this is beautiful. I was literally almost crying reading this, and I couldn't put it down. I wasn't planning on reading the whole thing, actually because I clicked on this somewhat by mistake, but I read the first few lines and couldn't put it down. It breaks my heart to read because I can somewhat relate to it, and you truly have a way of conveying these emotions without actually saying what they are, which I think is a real skill.
There was one line that just really stuck out to me; it was so profound and I literally stopped, read it again, and was like, whoa.
I really can't describe how much this line stuck out to me, it was really just beautiful the way it was and it clearly showed the emotions going through Lysandra's head. It perfectly showed her mental state at that moment, as well as made the reader (or at the very least, me) stop and think.
Kind of ruining the beautiful thing here, but I have one thing to add about the line that I think should be changed. I think the comma between brave and are should be deleted. I'm not sure it fits very well, and would run smoother without.
And the second to last line?
You weaved this story together so beautifully I am in awe. The way this connects to what you were saying before, about bravery and death, but you made it a layer deeper. This just got me and I love the connection so much. Not only was it beautiful before, but this just made it even more so. I believe that some stories deserve better endings and this is one of them.
There are a lot of ways this general message can be said, but this is one of the best and probably most helpful ways I've heard it. It's, simply, beautiful. There are so many ways this short story here makes me want to cry.
I want to add, sometimes when people write things like this they can make it cheesy or make it seem like they're not taking it seriously. You didn't do that in the slightest, and in fact, for such a sensitive topic, this was extremely careful but accurate.
One thing I'd add is potentially adding a content warning or a trigger warning to the top, saying this work contains suicide/attempted suicide. You did a great job rating the work, but a slightly more specific warning may be helpful for readers who may find this triggering. Not 100% sure, though, because I am not one of those people nor can I speak for everyone, but it might be helpful.
I also loved the way you described things, including the quoted section. I don't think I've seen emergency vehicle lights described in that way, and it created a vivid scene in my mind without you having to directly tell the reader that Lysandra is alive and is about to be taken to a hospital.
It's rare that I find something on YWS that I enjoy this much, but this is fantastic! It made me want to cry, and there was so much that was just shouting at me that, "Hey! This is a beautiful work! Love it!" And who am I to say no?
Thank you so much for sharing! This was tragic, heartwarming, and beautiful all at once! I'm glad you decided to make a happier ending, I think it deserved more, too. I'm literally crying right now, this was something I needed to hear. So, thanks again.
Remember to take anything you liked from this review and to leave the rest. Reviews are only meant to be helpful! If they're not, you don't have to listen. Hope you're having an amazing day, and please keep writing! (Feel free to tag me if you have anything new you'd like to share; I'd love to read it because this was amazing I loved it
Hey whats up?
I'm not too acquainted with stories on body dysmorphia and suicide, but these are thing everyone experiences to a degree.
But I think your prose is very strong. It's blunt and to the point (especially in the first half) which I think adds to the raw nature of the piece. Less is sometimes more!
I loved the small details at the start that imply the high level of intimacy that Lysandra has with the other person (Ex-lover? Although that just makes it so much worse for her). "Jello, Yellow, Hello" is endearing because its a childish sort of thing that is abruptly derailed by what happened next.
The self-love battle section was heavy. The going of back and forth two opposing sides vying for dominance, Lysandra's conscious trying desperately to fight an uphill battle using curses and insults at her own thoughts as ammunition is scary.
I'm glad you chose to continue it after the crash. It could have been a serviceable ending but it would have missed the mark. Human lives aren't stories that can be ended on a whim, we go through cycles. At the start Lysandra didn't have a care in the world, until she went through hell trying to figure herself out, almost destroying herself for good. But then she rises, finds her own self-worth and people to rely on.
Very well done!