First it was an inkling;
a spark;
a fleeting dream.
Then it was a possibility;
a hungry flame;
an excited thought.
It became Real;
a roaring fire;
a future.
And for a while,
that was ok.
By the time I
realised,
time was too far gone.
By the time I
changed my mind,
nothing else could.
By the time I
cried,
no rain fell.
It started as an inkling,
a spark,
a dream,
loving you.
By the time I
Did,
I was gone.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
thanks alot, i can totally see what you're saying. i've written alot of poems, but very few are all that good. so thanks again for the critique.
I like this poem, the images brought about by your words. I like how this isn't your sappy love poem, and might even be a poem warning against that. I'm a bit uncertain about the meaning, but we'll get to that later.
I do have to agree that it's better without the parts that you cut out. Because they didn't quite make sense, as short as they were.
The thing that gets me the most, though, is the change in punctuation. You go from semicolons in the beginning, to commas later on. I don't know, for me punctuation is a part of the format, and it's strange when the format totally changes. I do understand that the change later on required commas, and not semicolons, but the beginning could probably be commas.
I would separate this part from the part above it again. Plus, I think that the last line is a bit too long. It just makes the whole thing look uneven (and doesn't match the the first three stanzas).
I would combine the middle two lines into one line, to fit within the three line stanzas (except for the middle stanza, which turns the poem around).
Watch out for your capitalization, you're either capitalizing at the beginning of each line, or you're not. I think you should actually go with 'not' with this one, because of all the one word lines.
The one thing to keep in mind with my comments about format, though, is I like my formats in order, which might not be what you want to do. I'm OCD like that. Plus, I really do think ordered poems, that mimic format, are really cool.
I'm still not quite sure about the meaning of this poem, though. Is the narrator happy being in love with this person, or has she fallen out of love, or is she out of love, yet still trapped within the relationship? I don't know, I just still can't see what the narrator is talking about... Maybe I'm just being dim...
All in all, lovely poem. I really loved the words you used, and how you fit everything together (my OCD nitpicks aside). I like how original it is.
Good luck with your poetry!
Thanks, I agree now looking back on this poem that the "By the time I" stnazas are pretty much unneeded.... is this better?
First it was an inkling;
a spark;
a fleeting dream.
Then it was a possibility;
a hungry flame;
an excited thought.
It became Real;
a roaring fire;
a future.
And for a while,
that was ok.
By the time I
realised,
time was too far gone.
It started as an inkling,
a spark,
a dream,
loving you.
By the time I
Did,
I was gone.
I like your premise here, and for the most part the execution is good. But I think it gets weak and a bit flabby in the middle - specifically, after "By the time I/realised." The problem is, I think, that after the "and for a while/that was OK", the reader starts thinking you're about to reveal the subject and they get all excited, only to be met with more seemingly pointless rambling about it being too late. Bewilderment and disappointment sets in. I personally don't think the tension of the poem can last beyond this point, so I would advise replacing the three "by the time I" stanzas with something more specific, or (if you don't want to spoil your lovely ending) cut it down to one verse that tells the reader why it's too late without referring to love itself -- e.g. you could talk about why it was so bad for you once you realized, or something like "But by the time I/realized how far I'd gone/I was already burned."
I really do love that ending though
Cheers,
~bubbles