Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Alright, so this was a pretty neat little script, seems like a very relaxed start here, with a very simple scene that appears to just be trying to introduce the characters to us, their base personalities and how they interact with each other, and that's a decent point to start with.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Melody- John, drink your coffee. You are as cold as snow. It will warm you up.
John- I’m drinking, Melody, I promise.
Melody- Well you better hurry up before your fingers grow numb. And you two eat your eggs or I’ll feed you to the pigs. And no seconds for any of you. Your brother needs some to eat when he comes back from town so you only gets what's on your plate.
Well, that's a very contrasting start right there...on one hand we have the mother being somewhat gentle towards her husband but then that's a bit of a strong statement there to the two kids. I get this is probably meant to sound like a playful bit of banter at the start here...buut the tone is a bit too agressive sounding there.
Johana- Okay mom. Tom, give me your eggs.
Tom- No, these are my eggs.
Johana- Give me your eggs and I’ll wash all your clothes for a week.
Tom- Done.
Well, this was a really funny brother and sister interaction there. You get a lovely sense of how the two of them interact there, just some casual bribery via promising to do chores. I'd say that's a lovely way to introduce the sort of relationship that these two must are having here.
John- Both of you hush and finish you eggs. No bartering at the table.
Melody- Then go find something to do.
Johana- Well I’m already done.
Tom- Me too. Johana, look! Bick is home.
Okayy...well, that's a decent end to that scene there. Seems like a pretty innocent and fairly normal interaction between what looks to be a fairly normal family here. A very relaxed start that we've got here.
Johana- Did you find anything interesting in the town today?
Tom- Yeah. Look, that's where he got that scar.
Oooh, well a scar certainly makes things very interesting. It could be something quite simple from having wondered about town, but it definitely would catch your attention here and makes for a nice start here.
Johana- Where is that from?
Bick- Correction, Tom, I was just going out for a stroll and that is just a scarp from the woods a few days back.
Is it just me, or does that read almost like Bick is trying to hide something here, as if the real reason that the scar came to be is something he doesn't want the other two or at least Joanna here to now.
Tom- I like my scar idea better.
Bick- Well don’t tell mom your story because you will just scare her.
Melody- There you are, come and eat while the food is still warm.
Okay...well there's definitely something that they're trying to hide there...judging from how the rest of the story is, I assume its something relatively innocent, but I do still love the light sense of mystery that you get from that there.
John- Anything new in town.
Bick- No, sir.
Melody- Children why don’t you go outside.
Well...that was a bit of an abrupt end I'd say...just one line of conversation between the parents and Bick before the other two and sent off...I feel like there should perhaps be a bit more happening there but then also...its not terrible...so it kinda works.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, a fairly solid looking start here, the dialogue I think works for the most part, just a couple of places I pointed out that seem a bit stiff, but otherwise no issues at all, aand I do love that little bit of information at the top, that does help out quite a bit in knowing who is who and identifying the different kinds of directions there.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
) Can't wait for the next... uh... part... chapter... scene? Sorry LOL I'm not too familiar with scripts. Anyways, keep writing!
Points: 254163
Reviews: 4102
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