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The Will of Angsuna chapter 1

by KWN
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THE JOURNEY 1

Arack was walking through the city of Kerdou. He loved it. The city was bustling with people. It was a windless and cloudless day. He saw all the houses, and the market as he went back to the palace… his home. As he walked through the doors. The guards greeted him. “ Oh, Prince Arack why are you here so early?”

“Oh it’s nothing. I just wanted some time inside. I was getting hot outside” replied the prince. He walked up the grand stairs slowly. He located his way through the many halls of the palace. He found the gold and white double doors that lead into his room. His room was the second largest in the palace. The biggest belonged to the king. He looked at his room in disappointment like he expected it to change while he was gone. He hated his room. He just wished he could be a regular 16 year old. Someone that didn't have a room the size of someone's house. It's hard to get friends because they all get jealous. That's the reason he took walks every day, to make him forget for just a little bit that he was a prince. He heard a knock on his door. “You can come in,” he said expecting it to be the servant, but it was the king, his father. “We must go. Angsuna calls for us.” said the king bluntly as he exited as fast as he entered.

Arack met his father as he was walking down the stairs. “ What do you mean Angsuna called for us? He hasn't called for you in more than 10 years.” his father didn't answer. He just kept on walking. Then he finally responded.

“ The servant at the door should have your pack ready, and you can bring one friend. We shall leave in a half hour. It will be a two day walk. I will go grab a sword. It might be dangerous. People might try and rob us.”

“Then bring me a sword too. I can also fight, and i’ve been taking lessons with sir retoli.”

“ No, and that is my final answer. Now go get ready for the trip… son."

Arack lowered his head. His black hair covering his eyes. “Yes father,” he responded. He knew his father was ashamed of him. He did as his father asked. He decided to invite his friend Damon, so he went to Damon’s house and asked if he wanted to come. He immediately got up, packed a bag, and met Arack at his door. After this they both went to the servant at the front gate, Arack grabbed his pack, and waited with Damon. Soon twenty five minutes had passed and his father arrived. He looked at Arack then at Damon but didn't say anything, but just kept walking. Arack had a feeling it was going to be a quiet journey. ‘At Least i'm going to get some

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time in nature and not my horrible room for once’ he thought. Once he was out of the city the trees surrounded them. The trees were every color possible there was purple, blue red, green, yellow, and a lot more. The trees towered over them. The trees were all about 100 feet tall. He remembered when he was younger he loved climbing to the top of the trees. Back then his father wasn't so distant. He wished his father was the same as he was back then. He changed after the war. It was horrible. It was the last time Angsuna called them, ten years ago. Angsuna needed a city to be eliminated. He said that they threatened Kerdou, and should be eliminated. He said it would be an easy task, but it destroyed a third of Kerdou’s army. He now understood why his father was so down right now. Last time Angsuna said it would be the last time in his lifetime… unless it was an emergency. Which means it must be an emergency now. It was dark now so they set up a small camp, and slept waiting for tomorrow.

That's when the dreams came. He was six years old. He was hiding under his bed. He heard a crash down stairs. They broke into the palace. He heard plates being dropped from the servants, but what was the worst was the screaming. He heard them like a violin in the silence of night. He knew they would be coming up here soon. He ran to the staircase where he could watch them except something unexpected happened. They were in the hall leading to the staircase. They had already gone up. He tried to be as quiet as he could and slip away. He succeeded in getting around the corner to the next hallway, but then slammed into an open door that was left open. Now he knew they heard him. He heard footsteps running toward him, and yelling. He stood up and started running. He felt like he was running for hours even though it was only a few minutes. He entered the servants quarters, hoping someone would be there to help him, but there wasn't. No one was in the room. Then he remembered a secret passage that led from this room to the kitchen. He tried finding it for about 5 minutes. He found it! He grabbed the handle right as the door to the room opened and the evil people came in. He jumped into the tunnel hoping his smallness would benefit him this one time. Then his dream went blank. He heard talking, and he couldn't make it out for a little, but then he started focusing on it and started to make out what the words were he heard “Master, he is trying to stop our plans. He is going to send two puny humans to destroy us.”

Then a deep voice responded to him, “Well, then let him try. Nothing can stop us, and if that old fool thinks he can have two weak humans destroy us. He is really getting old.``After that sentence Arack’s sight had adjusted to the darkness. He saw a person kneeling and looking at just darkness, but with dark red eyes that looked like they could glare into your soul. He could feel the evil radiating off of him. How could any person however evil serve something as evil as this. It felt like the monster could destroy nations with just his presence.

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The person kneeling responded, “My lord, let me go and send our minions to destroy them, and to show the old sinile fool nothing can stop us. And if they succeed in receiving the mission let me myself destroy them.”

Then the evil voice returned again saying, “You have my permission to destroy them we will show him we are not to be messed with, and he will feel the pain as we destroy all his chances of survival, and take this.” A huge claw came out of the darkness and hanging from his claw was a necklace. The person grabbed it from the claw with gratitude.

“Thank you my lord. I will go now.” Then darkness surrounded him and when it cleared the person was gone.

That's when he woke up. He was covered in sweat. He didn't know what he just saw, but he knew it wasn't good, and that thing he saw was evil and he was planning something horrible. He wanted to tell his father but he knew it would bring no good. He decided to wake up Damon and tell him about his dream he had. Damon was his best friend, and the only one he could trust. He knew that the power to see things through dreams was a rare power through the kingdom. Only Damon knew he had this power. Arack didn't even tell his father. He would have told his mother, but she was gone by the time he had developed his power. He crawled over to Damons sleeping area and woke him up. He told him the whole dream except for the amulet part. He knew that it was something he had to keep a secret he didn't know why though. After he was done with his story Damon asked, “do you think this is why Angsuna has called for us? Do you think he wants us to get rid of this evil thing?”

Arack then responded, “it's very possible, but if it is I don't know if we could do anything. Even in only a dream it was the most evil thing i've ever felt, and if so it sounded like they were very confident about themselves. Also if the people he was talking about were us they are going to send people after us. I’ll warn my father in the morning, but until then let's try to get some sleep.” Damon agreed. They both went back to sleep only for Arack to be consumed by his memories again.

He was crawling through the tunnel and he couldn’t hear the evil people anymore. He didn’t know where this tunnel led but he just kept on going hoping it led outside. It was an entire tunnel system that only was memorized by castle guards. He found an exit and opened it up. He crawled out then figured out where he was. He was in the cabinet under the grand stairs. He opened the door slowly. What he saw when he opened it made him fall. He saw the evil people holding his mother. They were hurting her. He didn't know what to do, so he started screaming. The evil men approached him, and grabbed him by his arms and lifted him off the ground. He was so mad at them. They were being mean to his mother and he hated them. He tried to kick them as hard as he could but his legs were too short. They brought him to his

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mother, and slammed him onto the ground next to his mother. He felt like he had fallen out of a tree and felt like he was going to throw up. All of a sudden the main entrance was swung open. It was his father who had opened it. He froze as he saw the situation. The evil people yelled at him to stop right there and to drop his sword. He took a minute to examine the situation and find the best option. But he didn't do it fast enough. The evil people raised their swords and ran towards Arack. His father screamed but they didnt stop, and just kept on running towards Arack. Once they were about 5 feet away they held out their swords, and then Arack closed his eyes, and everything went black. Arack woke up again feeling horrible he was covered in sweat and was breathing very fast as he stood up. Now he could see the sun peeking up through the mountains.

His father was already ready for the journey. He started thinking about the dream. He knew he had to tell his father that they couldn't travel that path because they might run into trouble. Arack walked to his father and said “ Father we can’t go on this path. It ‘s too dangerous we have to take the long way.

“Why? It will just take time. Tell me your reasoning for this delay.” his father responded to his comment.

“Father please just trust me on this. I have a feeling about this. You always say to practice making decisions for when I'm king if I ever become one.” Arack said pleadingly.

“Ok,” his father responded as if he didnt care about it anymore. Arack felt relieved that his father agreed. They started on their path about 30 minutes after they decided to take the long way. Damon and Arack stayed back a bit to talk about Arack’s dream. After about an hour of disagreement they decided that the evil thing he saw was an evil dragon. It scares Arack, thinking that an evil dragon is trying to stop them. He hated having to walk more just because of people that might be coming after them, but they had to be careful. It sounded like they were sure these minions would take us down easily. But they should still be there by nightfall maybe a little bit later. If they took the short way they would have been there in about 5 hours earlier.

It was almost nightfall by the time Aracks father said they were almost there. After a little bit of more walking, the bushes around them all started to rustle. The king pulled out his sword as about 20 red orcs came out of the bushes. “We finally found you, looks like you expected us.” snarled the orcs

“Father, there are too many we have to go quickly. We’ll die if we stay here.”

“You and Damon go now. I will hold them off.” no one said anything else. Arack followed his fathers orders and started running towards an opening in the orcs circle, but the orcs were too fast they grabbed Damon and Arack before they could do anything. The king was being swarmed by around 15 of them. Right when everything felt hopeless Arack heard whoosh

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whoosh above his head. Arack looked up and saw Angsuna, the golden dragon. Angsuna dove towards the orcs and grabbed multiple with his giant claws. He went up and dropped them to the ground. When they hit it they ran into the forest. Then he dived again but he stopped about 10 feet above the ground and used his wings like a fan. The orcs all started running after being dropped and thrown around. When they were all gone Angsuna said, “Come quickly, we must hurry before he figures out his plan failed.”

“Who's the ‘he’ you’re talking about? Arack blurted out hoping for an answer.

“No questions right now we must hurry. He will send more soon.” Said Angsuna sternly. The rest of the time they walked in silence like everyone was sleeping. As he walked his father slowed down a bit and started walking next to him. He started talking to Arack. It started like any casual conversation but then the king asked, “How did you know they were coming before they came?”

“Ummmm just had a feeling I guess.” Arack said very unconvincingly

“I know that's a lie.” he said. “And you always were a bad liar.” he added while laughing gently. Arack was so surprised. He hadn't heard his father laugh in a long time. “You can dream roam can’t you? That's how you knew they were coming.” he asked once he was done once he was done laughing.

“It's possible that I can dream roam.”

“Why didn't you tell me? It's a rare gift not a curse.”

“It can be a curse, and i didnt tell you because you wouldnt understand and probably wouldn't even care.”

“I do care, it's a rare gift and I'm happy my son is special.”

Arack didn’t respond. They finally made it to Angsuna’s cave.

“Now we must talk about the details of your quest. You will be traveling over the lava peaks and through the plain of bones to reach your destination. You will then need to enter the underground tunnels of Domdua, after that you must enter the tunnel of death. And I promise it has all been rewarded already because I said I would never call on you again in your lifetime.”

“What is this reward you speak of? Is it for only us or is it for our whole city?” asked the king.

“There was molten gold under your river. I have broken a hole through the earth turning the river into gold and through the very first sprouts of gold that came out I have made this.” Angsuna held out a sword made of pure gold. “Do you accept my offer, King of Kerdou?

“I accept, but what is the goal of this quest?”

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“Ahhhh right to the point I see, well there is another dragon his name is Kolkor. He has become greedy and wants to rule this world. I need you to stop him. Also I forgot to mention another reward is that some of your descendants might inherit power over certain elements.”

“Well this dragon, how strong is he?” the king asked.

“If you let his power grow he could destroy nations without even breaking a scale and eventually might even be able to destroy the moon.”

Comments & reviews · 4
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Plume
Review
Plume wrote a review · Tue May 11, 2021 1:24 pm

Hey there! Plume here, with a review! Your work has been in the green room for a bit, so I thought I'd bump it out!

I enjoyed reading this piece! I think you've got a really compelling fantasy introduction here. You do a great job of establishing some key things: characters, setting, and maybe some hints at a problem. I think overall it's a lovely first part; it's very straightforward and I feel like I could understand everything you laid out really well. It seems like it's shaping up to be a really cool story!

One thing I enjoyed was the progression of events. I feel like each thing that happened seamlessly blended into one another. It didn't feel at all stiff or too jerky, if you know what I mean. The flow felt natural rather than awkward. The only part where I feel this faltered a little was where he had two dreams back to back, basically. I feel like that muddled up what happened there and it might be better to isolate each dream. I felt like I was being bombarded with information, and at one point I wondered if I was just reading the same thing over again. Give the readers time to digest the first dream before throwing another one at them

One thing I wondered about was your pacing. I feel like a lot happened in this first part, and you might benefit from slowing it down a bit. Give your readers time to learn about Arack. Give them a day in his life. You do this at the beginning, but I feel like you could draw it out even more. Then, when you uproot his life and pepper in the fact that he is dream roamer, the readers will feel more for the characters. Generally, when you slow things down, it gives readers an opportunity to settle into the world you've created for them.

Specifics

“Then bring me a sword too. I can also fight, and i’ve been taking lessons with sir retoli.”


Since "sir retoli" is probably a person's name and title, I think they should be capitalized, so "Sir Retoli."

Once he was out of the city the trees surrounded them. The trees were every color possible there was purple, blue red, green, yellow, and a lot more. The trees towered over them. The trees were all about 100 feet tall. He remembered when he was younger he loved climbing to the top of the trees.


I feel like here, you needn't say trees so much. Pronouns are just as easy to use, and when you keep repeating "the trees," it sounds a little awkward to me, at least.

Other than that, nice work! I did notice some parts that had some iffy punctuation, but I think simple proofreading could solve those issues.

Overall: great job! I think you've got the promising beginnings of a great story here. I hope to read more of it in the future. Until next time!

Thank you very much for your advice. I'm definitely going to do some editing this is my first draft and actually my first book I've really felt dedicated to. I'm doing some edits on the second chapter, but soon it should be out. Thank you for taking your time to write a reveiw.

Hi KWN,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

I can't say much now as an introduction, so I'll start right away! :D

Arack was walking through the city of Kerdou. He loved it. The city was bustling with people. It was a windless and cloudless day. He saw all the houses, and the market as he went back to the palace... his home. As he walked through the doors. The guards greeted him.


The first paragraph of a chapter is always the introduction to the story. Therefore, it must have a certain tension and style to bring the reader into the world you want to tell about. The tension, or rather, the necessary questions to read on, is there. But you could have connected some sentences with others. It seems a bit bumpy to read now, because you pause at every point. For example, you could rewrite it like this: "Arack was walking through the city of Kerdou. He loved to walk through the streets. While the day was windless and cloudless, the city itself was bustling with people. (...) As he walked through the doors, the guards greeted him."
This is a phenomenon I noticed several times while reading. Also in the next paragraph, you use "room" in three or four sentences, but you could replace it with "it", otherwise it seems a bit choppy.

I like the way you describe Arack a bit on the outside while he's talking to his father, to keep the reading flowing. You also add these little points later on, which I think are very well put in.

'At Least i'm going to get some
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time in nature and not my horrible room for once' he thought.


Here you add a train of thought. It's good that you mark it with inverted commas, but I think it can get a bit lost in your big paragraphs. The thoughts can be in their own paragraph so that the reader realises that this is a thought. It also gives it a certain importance, because you can understand Arack better.

They brought him to his
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mother, and slammed him onto the ground next to his mother.


Here it would be sufficient to replace the second "to his mother" with "her".

In summary, I can say that I liked the story. It has an exciting vibe and I like Arack as a character. It is good how you sometimes throw in some memories / dreams, and one also gets to know the other members of his family a little. You wouldn't have to change much now, but where you need to improvise a bit is the structure.
The story was quite long, and I thought it was good that there was so much to read, because you took a lot of effort with the landscapes and descriptions. However, it is important when you have put the story down on paper to read through it again to see if the story doesn't read too bumpy. Just as described earlier, the short sentences are a little too much in the text, which means that as a reader you constantly get bogged down and have to "stop at a red light", so to speak.
For a first story, it is nevertheless a very interesting piece of work, where one can see that you have a lot of imagination.

Have fun with your writing! :D

Mailice.

Thank you so much for your review. Recently I've been trying to get my writing flowing better, but as you can see I still have some work to do.

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KWN
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also everybody this is my first post and ill be making more for this story and potentially more for other stories I've been thinking about thanks if you read the whole story

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KWN
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Everyone by the way the numbers are page numbers. sorry fi they confused you



Patience is the strength of the weak, impatience is the weakness of the strong.
— Immanuel Kant, Philosopher