Published March 6, 2011
( Diner booth, red seats,
coffee for me, sleep for you,
I'd talk and you'd nod )
.I'd.sing.you.love.songs.
.you'd.smile.shy.every.single.time.
.my.words.fell..a...p....a.....r......t.......
W h a t d o I s a y , n o w ?
W h a t d o I d o ? I g u e s s I ' m
j u s t i n l o v e w i t h y o u
m y w o r d s t h e n f e l l a w a y
b u t i c o u l d f e e l m y h e a r t p i e c e , b y
p i e c e a l l...c...o...m...e..t..o..g..e.t.h.e.r.
( sweet soft red-hair head
my shoulder held it, warm
-always, quiet lips )
( One word from your 'hush'
one look from me, my coffee
tastes of 'spilt on shirt' )
" W h a t d i d y o u j u s t s a y ? "
( smile, then silent told me take
a good look at myself )
NOTE:
There is some formatting that goes with this poem that I can not do with this site.
Also, all haikus, so Ha!
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Canary word: Present
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Thanks ever so much :]
beautifuly written, a unique stye <3 love the lyrics aswell
Thanks for the review
Yea, the title is messy, but I feel like the messiness adds to the feeling that though this poem is about love-It's not perfect love. It is spilling food on yourself love, she is too tired to add to the conversation love, date at a diner instead of a restaurant love. It is messy, imperfect, and because of that, somehow more genuine in my eyes.
The formatting is definitely in need of fixing. I really think that with the full formatting, it adds to the poem instead of these limited options on the site. You should actually read the poem visually, as well. Where are there no spaces? Maybe it's passing so quickly it jumbles together in recollection. Where are there multiple periods? Maybe every word has such finality in his mind that it requires a period to truly express how those words affect him.
Thank you again for the review, both points you make are totally valid.
Hey Whatley!
This was interesting. Your talent for haikus is very evident in this poem, but I think that for this, all of the formatting is very unnessecary (yes, I probably spelled that wrong). Especially in a love poem about the narrator trying to impress his crush, all that formatting is not really needed. Also, I would change your title to something more simple.
Keep up the good work!
-Alex