...have you ever just stared at the phone, hoping that it would ring?
That Someone, far away, was calling and it was for you?
That maybe, if you listened hard enough, the dial tone would be their voice,
telling you things. Of how much They love you, how much They miss you
Of the amazing things They've done and seen, and that
They were calling to tell you the plane tickets were in your mailbox.
All you have to do is pack a suitcase and then you'd be gone
Forever, on your way to the rest of your life.
...you would look down on the passing, blurring fields and imagine
youth trailing, attempting to keep up with your dreams.
And it won't. And, that would be okay, because your age, your wisdom
and knowledge would be sober with the consolation that
your love is waiting for you. Your dreams are residing with your love and
your life is meant to be spent There, with Them.
...you squint those hopeful, innocent eyes, burning the image
into your head. You hope that you will remember this place,
your childhood, friends and family. That you will remember to
look at yourself just before you answer and hold that second-
that second before the rest of your life, dearly, because
it will never be the same again. It’s terrifying, it’s exciting
and leaves you in astonished, breathless tears. But, you're ready
for the rest of your life to be here.
...the phone sits in its cradle. Does not ring, does not blink red,
does nothing but return the dial tone. But hushed, you whisper beneath
your breath "Hello, Dear."
"I'm ready."
TO CLARIFY:
-All unusual uses of capitalization( or lack there of), are intentional.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
The lowercase letters at the beginning of thoughts are done to show we are coming in upon the middle of a story.
The uppercase letters are to show that I am referring to not just them or just someone but a They. in particular, a Someone, specifically. It's like I am giving them the title of They, as if that were their name, because they are so far away I can not be so intimate as to call their real name, but I do mean the same person every time.
No, I don't want to say "All you'd have to do" because that means "All you would have to do". The speaker of this poem is quoting the person on the phone, but in the same way he may do in a conversation (which is what this more or less is) So the quote will not be in quotation marks. The person he is quoting said "All you have to do..." because the person on the phone, They, does not beg them: "All you would have to do" but commands them "All you have to do.". This is not a forceful command of overpowering the speaker but a command in which they both know that's what they want. It's a command of passion, a command that expresses their deepest desires without trying to be sweet or nice about it.
If a writer continues to make the same mistake, there is a possibility that it was intentional, lol.
I agree, it does feel like a run on sentence, but it's not.
"All you have to do is pack a suitcase and then you'd be gone
Forever, on your way to the rest of your life."
Notice how there is no punctuation between 'gone' and 'Forever'? That's because "you'd be gone Forever,".
It's two sentences in one: Implied from the tenses of the previous line, "on your way..." is future tense without actually being so. The second sentence is the actually meaning of the line "on your way..." which means you are literally, as of right now, on your way. It's a hybrid sentence? I dunno. It's supposed to be that way, lol.
It's a metaphor. The speaker says he can see it (youth) trailing behind him, because metaphorically it is, but literally, all he sees is the grass and buildings trailing behind him. 'It' in "And it won't." is referring to the trailing youth.
The first stanza says that there are plane tickets for him in the mail. So, the next stanza is him, on the plane. All the talk about trailing youth, and your dreams are with your love, this is all an elaboration of the final line of the first stanza "on your way to the rest of your life." The second stanza is his acceptance of what he must leave behind, on the way to the rest of his life. The plane is a literal image, because he is flying to his love, but also a metaphorical image of him going through life and how he can not control the fact that he will grow up. He will have dreams and he will have to give things up (specifically youth, which also encompasses immaturity, lack of responsibility, and carelessness).
When you are astonished, you are greatly surprised or impressed. When you are breathless, you are breathing with difficulty or holding your breath. I can understand that they may sound strange, but in meaning, they are exactly what I wanted to convey.
Thanks again for your review.
There were some punctuation points you made, that I went with.
Hello KT
Here to lend a quick review. Or maybe not so quick?.. Here we go!
I didn't quite understand the end of this. I got lost somewhere in the middle. It doesn't seem as though your thoughts were clearly expressed in writing this. Maybe if you went back and read it again to yourself, you'd be able to clean it up so that it's a little easier to grasp reading it the first time around. I loved how it started off though. That part drew me in quite well!