Phoenix,
Your name is sin,
Smeared me with ash and soot,
Blackened by your flight.
Touched the heart of my trunk,
My leaves, my fragile roots,
Deep in the dark earth
You lit on fire,
Phoenix-betrayer.
It was you – and I screamed.
My breath is but smoke
Your plumage of flame has seen to that.
My bark crumbles in the heat,
Singed by your blaze, consumed in your inferno.
But my leaves mourn
With thick dark tears – water and soot.
For you, flame child know, as I know,
The fatal inevitability,
Ne'er shall my lust be quenched.
You hold my heart in your steaming talons -
wretched, cruel Envy!
Beyond my will I am made to burn.
But phoenix, I remember what was,
The icy chill of your absence, and what will be,
Cold ash.
For you never stay but you flee,
The brand on my heart is never cooled,
but heals in time,
And once again falls in hellfire.
I fear you traitor,
But I desire you also.
Flames leap up to the heavens,
Black smoke plumes the sky,
My soul twitches with desire,
And yet I am cold,
Phoenix.
Tell me,
If you would speak,
Why am I cold?
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Firstly, I would very much like to thank you for your in depth and quite certain review. Now, as to the points you made with regard to my poem - I agree that the end of the first stanza is confusing. However, I am unsure as to what you mean by saying that the capitalization makes it unclear where one line ends and one begins. Not capitalizing the first word of the next line is a contemporary practice - and one that now, apparently is obligatory and necessary. While the poets from the end half of 20th century have started not capitalizing their lines of poetry - I prefer to capitalize. It is your preference that suggests to you that the poem does not run smoothly on account of capitalization. But I digress.
Now, I am glad that you agree with me that "Ne'er" interrupts the flow of the line - I changed it in a later draft. Also, if I put an 'of' for the dash of the "With thick dark tears - water and soot" it would interrupt the rhythm. That section of poem from "Singed...soot" runs quickly because they have four beat sections.
You may be entirely right about the inevitability line but since I cut that whole section, again in a later draft, I will disregard that part of your review. Do not mistake me, however, I entirely appreciate the comment. But we are back to punctuation, and "Cold ash". I put a period after it to signify the end of a line, and to place subtle emphasis on the idea - that cold ash no longer smolders or smokes, and is completely dead, so to speak. I am uncertain as to why there should be a comma after "but" or why I should omit the second "you". Please advise.
I am also quite flabbergasted at my words being generic, common and not very vivid. Perhaps I was too subtle in saying that envy was like a phoenix?
At any rate, thank you very much for taking the time to review my poem.
You are missing subjects/objects here, and so these lines read quite confusingly. In addition, the punctuation and capitalization further contributes to the confusion by making it unclear where one idea ends and another begins. Creating such confusion, especially in your first stanza, is not a good idea, and I suggest you make these lines clearer. Do not omit sentence subjects/objects, and punctuate more consistently and properly.
Personally, I think an "of" would be better than the dash you have.
The commas are ill-placed, and a semicolon would be more appropriate after "inevitability". In addition, the poetic contraction comes suddenly and does not fit with the language of the rest of the poem, especially as there are no other words so contracted. I suggest using "never". It does not disrupt the flow, and it does not stand out as much as "ne'er".
Again, punctuation. The period really breaks apart the flow of the stanza's ideas, while missing a comma after "but" makes the second "you" sound redundant and thus flow-disrupting. Either add the comma, or omit the second "you".
Overall, you have an interesting idea here, and you've begun expanding upon it, but I couldn't shake the feeling of vagueness. Most of the words you've used are generic, common, and not very vivid, and how you've combined them has not added any strength or unique connotations to their meaning. You've got the startings of this, but I think you could take it further, should take it further.
Otherwise, the punctuation kept throwing me out of the poem. More than anything, fix the punctuation. Right now, it's a major detractor, which is a shame. I suggest punctuating this poem as you would regular prose; I think it would fit better with the theme and language of the poem as well.
Hell and Welcome to YWS,
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I really enjoyed this poem. You have some talent here
Have an awesome day,
Tiffany