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Young Writers Society


16+ Language

Prologue

by KDietrich


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

Underneath the streets of New York lays a subway system, that we know, but there is something far more sinister in what lays beyond that. These corridors look eerily similar to the ones that hold the subway system but do not let that fool you. Only the darkest—or most desperate—of individuals will find themselves in here.

This dark corridor seems to be home to creatures far beyond your understanding, but do not let that frighten you, dear reader, as these cannot harm you. Well, unless there is an anomaly in the simulation that causes you to be sucked into this book. In that case, you should be very, very frightened.

The corridor also currently homes a man and a woman. The man is donned in clothing that one could only accurately describe as something a doctor would wear; this makes sense as this man is a doctor. On his face, there are glasses perfectly perched on top of his nose. There is not a smudge or scratch to be seen on them. He kneads his hands together like a baker trying to make dough.

His hair is the color of the perfect cup of coffee from a small cafe in Paris. His green eyes sparkle in the dim light with the tiny bit of hope that still lives in him like a flame.

The woman, however, could very well be the polar opposite of this man. She wears a stiff blue turtleneck that goes quite well with her stiff walk. In fact, everything about her could be described as stiff, whether it be her clothes or the way she moves.

It should be pointed out, though, that the only thing that isn't stiff about her is her face. Her face is always marred by a sneer or a look of contempt; the latter is especially true whenever she looks at her so-called "children".

Her hair is the same color of rust that can be found on the pipes weaving in and out of the walls in the long, dark hallway. And if you were to look at her eyes long enough, which may be hard considering they seem to turn you into stone, you would see what could only be described as a nightmare in pale blue. One would never think light blue eyes could look so black.

Other than the sound of distant dripping, their footsteps echoing is the only thing to be heard in the silence. Eventually, they come to a metal door that appears to be rusted shut. The woman types something into the keypad next to it, and a beep sounds. She braces her feet against the floor and forces the door open with a groan. The door creaks in a loud protest.

The room that this door reveals, however, is contradictory to what lays on the other side. If someone were to stumble upon this room blindfolded and were to only take off their covering after they came into this room, they would never guess how old the hall was that they came through. For in this room is a lab fit for a king.

The lab should be considered flawless. Everything about it is sparkly and perfect. If it wasn't for the people working, you may think that this room was purely for display. The white lab coats seem to blend in with the white room in a breathtaking spectacle. The techs move in almost a rhythmic dance that is strangely beautiful.

Do not let this beautiful room distract you from the fact that we are still located in that same dark corridor. The only difference between this room and out there is only the fact that this room looks appealing, but here is where the real evil happens.

In my earlier description, I neglected to tell you about some essential details about this room. Details that will make this room lose its wonder.

Covering every square inch of the walls are video screens. Screens that individually play different videos over and over while the lab techs watch them intently, rewinding, and enhancing the videos every so often.

This may not seem not so bad in it of itself, but it's what they are watching that makes this scene so sinister. Every single video has the same two subjects; a young ginger girl and a brunette boy. Sometimes it is just one of them, but every video features them. There are videos of them sleeping, playing, learning, reading; you name it, there's a video for it.

In addition to these videos, there are also various monitors showing two live heart rates and vitals. At every monitor, at least three people are watching rather intently. When the man and woman walk in, some people look up and nod to the pair before going back to work.

The man and woman swiftly walk to a man in a suit. This man has a vastly different demeanor than the man we met previously. He may be more alike to the woman than the man as they both wear the same scowl and have the same "I'm better than you" attitude.

The man stands when he sees them. "Ah! Doctor and Colonel Watson! Thank you for coming on such short notice." He grabs the hand of the doctor and salutes the colonel.

Doctor Watson says, "My daughter has a boxing championship today that I'd rather not miss." The man narrows his eyes at him, but the doctor does not flinch.

Colonel Watson groans, "Daniel, stop referring to the test subjects as your children!" She turns to the man and snaps to attention. "Sir, excuse me for being so open, but why was he picked for this assignment? He keeps letting his emotions get in the way of the task at hand."

The man looks at her and calmly says, "Colonel, are you questioning your orders?" The look in his eyes warns her not to speak against him.

"No, sir."

The man smiles at her, but it does not reach his cold eyes. "Good, Now, onto business. Follow me." He starts walking away and does not look to see whether or not they are following, for they all know that refusing an order will lead to severe punishment.

He leads them back into the center of the lab. When the techs see him coming, they immediately stop working and turn to give him all of their attention. "I would like to first congratulate all of you for having test subjects that have survived the first procedure." Everyone applauds at the achievement. The man puts up a hand, and it ceases like it never happened. "Do they know about the experiment?"

Daniel says, "No. They have no idea. We believe it may be helping that they think they are normal."

The woman adds, "Their current mental states are stable. We should not have the same issue as last time where we had to terminate the subject."

The man's face breaks into a giant grin. A sigh of relief fills the room. "Perfect. How are the twins' development," the man asks.

A lab tech looks down at her notes then says, "On schedule."

The man follows up with, "How are their bodies reacting to the experiment?"

Daniel's face falls slightly when he says, "The tests have no adverse effects so far, but we are still trying to break their spirits. Last week the girl attempted to destroy the equipment, but her attempts were unsuccessful." He tries to smile, but he fails to do so. "The good news is the girl may start changing soon."

The man sighs, "And the boy?"

The woman quickly adds, "No noticeable changes yet, but it's too early to tell if it will take. We can already tell that the boy isn't as strong as his sister. He will more than likely follow her no matter what."

"Are we still on schedule?"

Daniel glances at his watch. "Our projections still predict development in the late teens. We fear that moving up the timeline will cause their bodies to fail from the stress."

"Good work, doctors." The man starts walking back over to his office. When he gets close to Daniel, he pauses and whispers,

"Long live The Hive."


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122 Reviews


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Reviews: 122

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Wed Oct 28, 2020 2:30 pm
LUNARGIRL wrote a review...



Great job on it, really liked it.

1. You had amazing descriptions throughout the chapter, not just for the characters put also where they are. I could picture all the scenes and what was happening in my mind perfectly. Which is very important because capturing an event through descriptive writing involves paying close attention to the details by using all of your five senses.

You descriptions of the characters were perfect. For example when you described the women.

"The woman, however, could very well be the polar opposite of this man. She wears a stiff blue turtleneck that goes quite well with her stiff walk. In fact, everything about her could be described as stiff, whether it be her clothes or the way she moves."

In those three sentences you were able to convey to the reader what the character looked like, but also how they walked.

2. You also had a great setting, which is very important because it can help set the mood, influence the way characters behave, affect the dialog, foreshadow events, invoke an emotional response, reflect the society in which the characters live, and sometimes even plays a part in the story.

"Underneath the streets of New York lays a subway system, that we know, but there is something far more sinister in what lays beyond that. These corridors look eerily similar to the ones that hold the subway system but do not let that fool you. Only the darkest—or most desperate—of individuals will find themselves in here."

3. I loved how you described the place sinister, and how only desperate people would find themselves down here.

4. I also enjoyed the way you formatted it. I could read right though it without getting stuck or losing my place in it.

5. Lastly, I loved how you ended it. You left me on a cliffhanger wanting more, wanting to know what happens next, when the man whispered to Daniel.

"Long live The Hive."

That makes me want to ask so many questions. What is the hive? Where is the hive? Why are they running experiments on children? What will happen to the children? Where did the kids come from. In addition, to soooooooo many more questions, so I congratulate that. You were able to keep the reader so immersed to the chapter to the very end, which is a hard thing to do.

Keep on writing, and I can't wait to read what you write next.

Carpe diem,
LUNARGIRL




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12 Reviews


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Reviews: 12

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Wed Oct 28, 2020 12:23 pm
AbduBinSaj8 wrote a review...



Simply Amazing. I loved it.
Splendid descriptions. You've got the ability to keep the reader hooked onto your story, which is quite an essential skill for a writer to have. Moreover, the mysterious setting of the novel is also very enjoyable.

The thing I loved the most about your writing is the description. All of your descriptions are vivid and easy to picture.

The last sentence was nothing short of interesting.
"Long live The Hive."
It keeps the readers guessing, "What's The Hive?" I'm sure it'll act as a good incentive to keep the readers reading.

Anyways, I'd love to read the next part of your story.




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33 Reviews


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Reviews: 33

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Tue Oct 20, 2020 9:35 pm
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Ave38 wrote a review...



I love this! The descripitons are really good, and I love how you described Doctor and Colonel Watson and their characters.
"to the ones that hold the subway system but do not let that fool you" I think there would be a comma between system and but.
"The man smiles at her, but it does not reach his cold eyes. "Good, Now, onto business. Follow me."" Now would not be capitalized.
"This may not seem not so bad in it of itself, but" I think you would replace it with and, although I may be wrong on this.
Other than that, this looks really good! I love the mood that you set, and the contrast between the locations you described.





A woman knows the face of the man she loves as a sailor knows the open sea.
— Honore de Balzac