Published April 6, 2009
Falling down
Further and further,
Deeper and deeper.
I am lifeless and broken-
Stripped of love,
Stripped of light
I am hopelessly drownded-
Reaching for life,
Reaching for love.
I am Lost and alone
Waiting for someone to listen
But still,
I'm falling down
Further and further,
Deeper and deeper.
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141,411 Literary Works • 674,392 Reviews
hey kayyo!
first of all I really do like you poem!
I think that if you had the first few lines
Quote:
Falling down
Further and further,
Deeper and deeper.
and the last few lines:
I'm falling down
Further and further,
Deeper and deeper.
the same that it might give the poem a better flow.
also there shouldnt be a capital L for lost but thats probably just a typo.
hope this helped a little bit
dancing clouds
hey kayyo!
first of all I really do like you poem!
I think that if you had the first few lines
Quote:
Falling down
Further and further,
Deeper and deeper.
and the last few lines:
I'm falling down
Further and further,
Deeper and deeper.
the same that it might give the poem a better flow.
also there shouldnt be a capital L for lost but thats probably just a typo.
hope this helped a little bit
dancing clouds
Hey KAYYO! Welcome to YWS. I'm Kat, and I will be your reviewer.
First of all, I'd like to remind you of the rules. We have a 2:1 policy. That means that for every work you post, you should do two reviews to something else.
So, onto your review!
The first line isn't a bad start. Is just a bit too common. The second following lines are a bit boring, because they are only repeating themselves. I would like to point out, that you don't need to capitalize every first letter of the first word.
There's a comma missing after 'light'.
I think you meant 'drowned'.
There's no need to capitalize 'lost'.
The ending is ok.
Overall: This was ok. The rhythm was a bit messed up, along with the rhyming that's nonexistent. A poem doesn't necessarily needs to have rhymes, but they make it more fun to read and helps the rhythm. It lacks a bit of imagery and feelings. I couldn't actually feel what you felt. So, edit, polish it up a bit and you'll be fine!
Feel free to PM me if you need anything!
*Kat*
This is really well written and very emotional.
I am lifeless and broken-
Stripped of love,
Stripped of light
I am hopelessly drownded-
Reaching for life,
Reaching for love.
I am Lost and alone
Waiting for someone to listen
I love these lines. The whole thing is almost lyrical. like it can be developed into a song. Beautiful, and I can defently relate to this.
Hey Kayyo
The thing I found when I read this is that there doesn't really seem to be a pivotal reason behind it. What are you trying to tell me? That this person is depressed? Suicidal? What? This person is falling into a pit of crappy emotions but you haven't shown me or told me anything about HOW they feel.
I am hopelessly drownded- Lol typo?
I am Lost and alone Lost shouldn't be capatalised.
But you have picked a subject matter that you could expand a lot more. You've tackled a huge subject; SERIOUS depression! I did like the falling bit- the narrator's falling because he can't control anything. Maybe play more on the out-of-control falling-without-being-able-to-stop part, and not just telling me of all the things this person has been stripped of.
xxxx