Young Writers Society

No punctuation? Think it over - if you use the right kind of variety it can help to make your flow even better! Sorry I can't give any advice on this; I'm pretty rubbish at puntuation myself.

Okay, the review;

I liked it - it was okay I suppose. I love the idea, it's very mystical and it's somewhat original too. You used a good rhythm to it which made it easier to read apart from the last line - I felt it kind of stumped the poem off completely and that was a shame. It just.. ended, but I think it should have like.. faded out? Am I making sense?

"I've lost who I'm being.
I've forgotten who I'm becoming.

I absolutely loved these two lines - I think you really created a good contrast between the two, even when they're saying the same things, so good work!

I hope this helps!

You have a pretty good beginning, and I liked the ending, but they're completely lost in the vagueness of the overall piece. "Truth", "lies", "darkness","joy","light","love"...these are all abstractions. They're so over-used that they don't say much on their own. Instead of using vague terms, try being specific. Try showing us the truth, the lies, the darkness. Make me feel swallowed up in the darkness instead of you just telling me it's dark.

I agree that the rhyming doesn't help much. In my opinion, rhyming belongs in children's poems only unless you get really really good at it. Otherwise, stick with free verse. It lets you focus on choosing more powerful words and metaphors.

I like the idea behind this, but try focusing more on interesting images rather than rhyming. Keep writing!

Hi, Kayyo!

The moments are passing.
The days are dwindling.
I've lost who I'm being. I've lost who I WAS, maybe?
I've forgotten who I'm becoming.
The lies forever surround me.
The false truth chokes like a weed. um, false truth? you completely lost me here
Darkness consumes me and all that I see,
Creating the pain in all that I'll be.
The joy in life is blocked from my sight.
I'm forever encompassed in the dark of night.
At the end of the tunnel, there is no light.
But I hold on to love with all of my might.
And I'm not letting go,
No, not quite

Okay...hmmm...where to start. Let's begin with the rhyming scheme. Until about the 7th and 8th lines I didn't even realize there WAS a rhyming scheme...when I looked back to the previous lines, I could pick out a poorly-put-together set stanzas that could maybe rhyme if you tweaked the words when you said them out loud...not good. PASSING and DWINDLING...they both end in 'ing', but this does NOT mean that they rhyme. Same with BEING and BECOMING...they don't rhyme. Me and Weed are closer, but I still think you could rephrase those lines to make the rhyming better. And then, you have four lines that all rhyme perfectly with one another ("sight", "night", "light", and "might") and that kind of threw me off because I was pretty sure I had the rhyming scheme down by that point, that the two lines rhymed and then it changed. Maybe if you broke up the poem and put spaces between the groups, that double-rhyme wouldn't stick out so much.

I love:

At the end of the tunnel, there is no light.
But I hold on to love with all of my might.
And I'm not letting go,
No, not quite

The moments are passing.
The days are dwindling.
I've lost who I'm being.
I've forgotten who I'm becoming.
The lies forever surround me.
The false truth chokes like a weed.
Darkness consumes me and all that I see,
Creating the pain in all that I'll be.
The joy in life is blocked from my sight.
I'm forever encompassed in the dark of night.
At the end of the tunnel, there is no light.
But I hold on to love with all of my might.
And I'm not letting go,
No, not quite

I thought this was really good, not just from a grammar/spelling/punctuation standpoint, but just the poem itself. Like, I can't put my finger on it, but I just really, really liked this poem. My one and only suggestion would be to add spaces and create stanzas where the rhyme changes. So lines 1-4 would be the first stanza, then 5-8, 9-12, and 13-14. Wait, I lied, one more suggestion:

The false truth chokes like a weed.