The moments are passing.
The days are dwindling.
I've lost who I'm being.
I've forgotten who I'm becoming.
The lies forever surround me.
The false truth chokes like a weed.
Darkness consumes me and all that I see,
Creating the pain in all that I'll be.
The joy in life is blocked from my sight.
I'm forever encompassed in the dark of night.
At the end of the tunnel, there is no light.
But I hold on to love with all of my might.
And I'm not letting go,
No, not quite
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
No punctuation? Think it over - if you use the right kind of variety it can help to make your flow even better! Sorry I can't give any advice on this; I'm pretty rubbish at puntuation myself.
Okay, the review;
I liked it - it was okay I suppose. I love the idea, it's very mystical and it's somewhat original too. You used a good rhythm to it which made it easier to read apart from the last line - I felt it kind of stumped the poem off completely and that was a shame. It just.. ended, but I think it should have like.. faded out? Am I making sense?
"I've lost who I'm being.
I've forgotten who I'm becoming.
I absolutely loved these two lines - I think you really created a good contrast between the two, even when they're saying the same things, so good work!
I hope this helps!
You have a pretty good beginning, and I liked the ending, but they're completely lost in the vagueness of the overall piece. "Truth", "lies", "darkness","joy","light","love"...these are all abstractions. They're so over-used that they don't say much on their own. Instead of using vague terms, try being specific. Try showing us the truth, the lies, the darkness. Make me feel swallowed up in the darkness instead of you just telling me it's dark.
I agree that the rhyming doesn't help much. In my opinion, rhyming belongs in children's poems only unless you get really really good at it. Otherwise, stick with free verse. It lets you focus on choosing more powerful words and metaphors.
I like the idea behind this, but try focusing more on interesting images rather than rhyming. Keep writing!
Hi, Kayyo!
The moments are passing.
The days are dwindling.
I've lost who I'm being. I've lost who I WAS, maybe?
I've forgotten who I'm becoming.
The lies forever surround me.
The false truth chokes like a weed. um, false truth? you completely lost me here
Darkness consumes me and all that I see,
Creating the pain in all that I'll be.
The joy in life is blocked from my sight.
I'm forever encompassed in the dark of night.
At the end of the tunnel, there is no light.
But I hold on to love with all of my might.
And I'm not letting go,
No, not quite
Okay...hmmm...where to start. Let's begin with the rhyming scheme. Until about the 7th and 8th lines I didn't even realize there WAS a rhyming scheme...when I looked back to the previous lines, I could pick out a poorly-put-together set stanzas that could maybe rhyme if you tweaked the words when you said them out loud...not good. PASSING and DWINDLING...they both end in 'ing', but this does NOT mean that they rhyme. Same with BEING and BECOMING...they don't rhyme. Me and Weed are closer, but I still think you could rephrase those lines to make the rhyming better. And then, you have four lines that all rhyme perfectly with one another ("sight", "night", "light", and "might") and that kind of threw me off because I was pretty sure I had the rhyming scheme down by that point, that the two lines rhymed and then it changed. Maybe if you broke up the poem and put spaces between the groups, that double-rhyme wouldn't stick out so much.
I love:
Great ending!
This poem has great potential! Just fix the rhyming and it'll be perfect.
-Cassie
This poem is quite heartfelt and really does try to put a lot of meaning out for the readers. I think that overall, you need more rhythm and more flow. Your metaphors are quite weak and don't portray their definee as well as they could. For example, "Choked like a weed," does not seem plausible. A weed is not choked, a weed is the choker. I would greatly suggest changing that. Also, the word forever seems overused. Always, evermore, ever and ever, for good, for all time, until the end of time, until hell freezes over, eternally, forevermore, perpetually are some alternative words that you could use. But really, more flow would do some glory for this.
Your rhymes are also forced. Although, it might just seem like that because you need more syllable pattern. Each line's pattern is very different in contrast to the one above and below. If you won't give me a perfect syllable pattern, at least make them close.
Overall, this was a good poem that needs work on everything listed above. I know that this has some great potential.
Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody
I thought this was really good, not just from a grammar/spelling/punctuation standpoint, but just the poem itself. Like, I can't put my finger on it, but I just really, really liked this poem. My one and only suggestion would be to add spaces and create stanzas where the rhyme changes. So lines 1-4 would be the first stanza, then 5-8, 9-12, and 13-14. Wait, I lied, one more suggestion:
"Weed" is a kinda weak rhyme, and I'm also not quite sure what you mean. Not to sound weird or whatever, but do you mean like the plant, or the drug?
Anyway, I loved this poem. Maybe it was the language, maybe it was the message, concept, whatever. You earned a gold star from The Delphinater, so feel special!