z

Young Writers Society



The Ferals

by KAVOR17


The boy was only 13 years old, but had made the torturous journey up the mountain. He stood on a sharp cliff at the very top of the icy mountain. His hands bled, his ears were numb, but the pain was well worth it.

With majestic beauty the snow-covered mountains surrounded the huge forest. The frozen forest was beautiful with icicles glittering in the last of the sunlight as they hung off of the old pines and hibernating oaks. Even from the boy’s height the forest hid the pristine lake and river from all viewers.

Then the boy saw something that marred the scene's beauty. Smoke, a thick black smoke swirled high above the mountains opposite to the boy.

"The humans must be killing each other again," the boy growled.

A crisp wind disturbed the boy's clothing. Surprisingly the boy wore very little; a sleeveless fur vest covered his torso revealing his muscular and heavily tattooed arms. He also wore deerskin pants and boots that were a slightly lighter brown then his bear fur vest. These were a novice’s Feral clothing.

*500 years ago*

The Karcli were a small nature-loving group who lived on the edge of a forest. Long they formed an alliance with the country of magic, Aglia, due to being so close to the Aglian capital. The Karcli soon just were absorbed into the faster growing Aglia. But tensions grew when the Karclians sensed the strain on the land from the reckless use of magic.

Then Aglia went to war with the neighboring warrior country of Clashr, the Karcli went to the front line using their nature magics to defend their land. Despite their best efforts, the Aglians were pressed back to Karclian forest, which was standing in between the Clashrans Army and Aglian capital, Racadi.

The Karcli put up a valiant defense against the crushing hordes of Clashr. Karclian magics killed thousands of Clashran warriors. But it was not enough, the Karcli were pressed back to their city that lay on the edge of the wood towards Racadi. Clashran warriors ran through the trees toward victory, to Racadi. Ignoring the Karclian Elders' pleas the archmages of Racadi set fire to the Karcli's beloved woods. The Clashrans were even surprised on how reckless the mages had been and reeled as the majority or their army burned in those woods.

The remaining Kracli were homeless and enraged. Their eyes now glowed with animalistic magic amplifying the dangerous expressions they wore. They stormed into the wondrous city of Racadi and marched to the palace. There High Archmage Torkon, the leader of Aglia and the man who personally set fire to the Kreclian woods, awaited. Alex, leader of the Karcli and Speaker of the Elders, walked up to Torkon in blinding rage. Before the waiting Torkon could respond, Alex waved his hand. Torkon screamed as his arms spread into oak branches, his feet shoved through the stone plaza floor growing into roots, his face turned to wood but it’s remained visible in the trunk of the now fully-grown oak tree.

Before the Aglian mages could react the other Kraclians cast a spell in union. The wind picked up into a cyclone that surrounded the animalistic people, shaking the branches of the new tree. The Kraclians disappeared from view and suddenly the cyclone stopped revealing no Kraclians. The Kraclians had finally broke away from Aglasia renaming themselves the Ferals after their new found power.

The last of Ferals were seen by the Clashr. He was a messenger telling the Clashr how to overcome Racadi's defenses. Then he was seen headed toward the Northern Mountains before vanishing over a hill. Unfortunately for the Clashr, they never got another chance to attack Racadi. With the Clashrian army all but gone and the Aglian mages leaderless the to countries formed a peace treaty.

*500 years later*

The boy only stayed there a moment longer.

It would be dark soon; he must find a quicker route down the mountain and to his village. He smiled, he knew one that would be fast but it ruined the chance of the challenge he was hoping for. His tattoos began to glow a faint white. The face that was smiling quickly sprouted a thick white fur; even his closely shorn hair grew to match the rest. The smiling face grew a snout with a twitching black nose. But the changes weren't just on the face; fur grew to cover his whole body.

Now where there once was a boy stood a proud, white wolf with a eerie smile on it maw. It turned around to go back the way came but suddenly there was another wolf standing there. This one was all black but its eyes revealed it was far more then just a beast. The black wolf jumped with a snarl on the stunned white wolf beating off the giant cliff. The white wolf fell to its certain death but in a moment it was a great eagle soaring out over the forest toward home.

The black wolf jumped after it shifting into a small black falcon. The falcon caught up to the larger eagle and now playfully flew circles around it. They were headed home. The two great birds dived but the forest's canopy didn't even quiver as the birds landed in the middle of a small clearing. They were next to a lake that was hidden from the sky by a great oak growing from a small island in the middle of the water. A river flowed peacefully out of the lake. In the distance a waterfall sang as the birds grew in size.

Wings became arms, talons to deerskin boots, and beaks to smiling lips. A girl stood where there was once a black falcon laughing at the familiar boy.

"You should have seen your face, Jovl!" the girl howled. Jovl looked at her. She had her night-black hair back in a ponytail leaving only her bangs to hang loose. She flicked them out of her face revealing startling green eyes. Her apparel was only a fur shirt that only covered her chest and shoulders with a skirt that appeared to be made out of rabbit fur. Mystic tattoos swirled around her arms, belly, and legs.

"I just was just...oh be quiet, Ava!" Jovl yelled at her scowling. His ice blue eyes softened when she stopped laughing. "How did you find me anyway?"

"The Elders told me to go get you down from there before dark," Ava said with a roll of her eyes. She hated taking orders or abiding by rules.

"I wasn't aware they knew where I went," Jovl muttered.

"Let go, we're late for dinner as it is," Ava replied sounding distracted. Jovl followed her eyes to the chestnut brown rabbit sitting in front of them. The rabbit looked innocently back with eyes that showed deeper intelligence then what appeared. Jovl looked deeper in the hazel eyes and saw the flame of primal power his and Ava's eyes shared.

"Hello Brak," Ava said sharply. The rabbit grew in size and transformed fully in the boy name Brak. Brak was a boy that was a head shorter then both Jovl and Ava. He wore the same novice Feral clothing as Jovl did but his tattoos wrapped up around his shins, forearms, and cheeks. He had hazel eyes and chestnut hair. Brak wasn't as strong as Ava or Jovl but held more knowledge.

"That spell failed utterly. Why? I do not know. I read it in the Library, it should have masked my identity even from other Feral's." Brak said as if he wasn't surprised that Ava recognized him. "Hurry to the Library! The Elders have announcement to make."

"You are the Elders little pet aren't you Brak?" Ava spat at him. "You still try and hide what the announcement is when we have repeatedly ask you as a friend?"

Jovl rolled his eyes at this recurring argument. He was so sick of this...

It took the three awhile to follow the path to get back to the city of the Ferals, Ashpen. Ashpen was a wonderous city, blending city and nature together. The city was built next to the waterfall. Bridges spanded the pristine river's water and the huge drop off. Built on ground at the top of the waterfall and in the tops of trees that reached above the city even at the bottom of the cliff, the Library was the jewel of Ashpen.

The Library was built like a stepped temple. Rows apon rows of ancient lore stood on each step. Then at the very top floated the Primval Crystal. The heart and soul of the Ferals, the Crystal was their connection to nature. It allowed them to shape shift and gave them their primal power they wielded.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
565 Reviews


Points: 1395
Reviews: 565

Donate
Sat Oct 06, 2007 3:42 pm
Stori says...



First the boy is on the mountain, then it's 500 years ago? What gives?




User avatar
27 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 27

Donate
Sat Oct 06, 2007 2:00 am
ennui wrote a review...



I'm just going to dissect the first section.

One of the first things I noticed was your use of repetition. Mountains, mountains, mountains. Forest, forest, forest. It's boring, uninteresting, and very nearly irritating. Once the concept of moutainous territory is introduced, there's no need to reinforce it through repetition.

Your numerals should exist as words.

There should be commas before conjunctions, as well as in a series of words/phrases. For example:

The boy was only [s]about[/s] 13 years old, but had made the torturous journey up the mountain. He stood on a sharp cliff at the very top of the icy mountain. His hands bled, his ears were numb, but the pain was well worth it.


As the reader, I'm lacking a sense of perception and understanding. The young boy had just managed an arduous climb, yet there isn't a sense of achievement or exaltation. He isn't tired or sore. He simply growls at the sight of smoke, which doesn't contribute to a sense of flow.

Flow is exactly what this piece (or at least the first part) lacks. The boy's clothing should have been introduced before the bitter wind, and the general climate should have been introudced before the climb (or during). The transitioning is illogical.




User avatar
141 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 141

Donate
Sat Oct 06, 2007 1:40 am
MadHatter says...



I'm glad you re-wrote your story. It was much better this time, even though you really only moved some stuff around. You answered a lot of our questions. Good going Kal




User avatar
141 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 141

Donate
Fri Oct 05, 2007 3:09 am
MadHatter says...



I like your story but you had a very boring interlude. Find a way to spice it up.




User avatar
142 Reviews


Points: 1825
Reviews: 142

Donate
Fri Oct 05, 2007 1:55 am
Bella wrote a review...



This didn't grab my attention right away, which isn't a good thing. If it doesn't grab my attention, I usually won't read all of it. Anywho, the first thing I noticed was "Aglasia" which seems quite similar to "Alegasia". Have you by chance read Eragon, or Eldest? Alegasia is the name of the land in those books; many of your words are somewhat similar to the made-up words in those books.

The second thing I noticed was your puncuation, mainly in the first paragraph. The problem -- It's missing. There should be quite a few commas that aren't there. Also, the first few lines are rather choppy.

The story line seems pretty good, but a lot of work is needed. Good luck!
~Merry Writing~
~*Bells*~




Random avatar

Points: 890
Reviews: 16

Donate
Thu Oct 04, 2007 10:27 pm
KAVOR17 says...



thx for your insight an suggestions.




User avatar
47 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 47

Donate
Wed Oct 03, 2007 3:18 am
FlyingDream wrote a review...



Okay, I found a few things that need to be fixed, so I'll list them here.

The boy was only about 13 years old but had made the torturous journey up the mountain. He stood on a sharp cliff at the very top of the of the icy mountain. His hands bled, his ear were numb but the pain was well worth it.


Okay, you'll probably answer this question later on in the story probably, but I'll still ask it anyway. Why in the world would a 13 year old boy journey up a mountain in the first place, alone too? Is it a quest? Is he hunting for food? You need to make this clear, or else the reader won't have any idea what's going on. And when you said "only about 13 years old" I think you should be exact. Say, "he was a 13 year old boy. It makes your writing sound a lot better.


With majestic beauty the snow-covered mountains surrounded the huge forest. The frozen forest was beautiful with icicles glittering in the last of the sunlight as they hung off of the old pines and hibernating oaks. Even from they boys height the forest hid the pristine lake and river from all viewers.


Okay, I'll write the puctuation corrections below this, because I saw a few in this paragraph.

With magestic beauty, the snow-covered mountains surrounded the huge forest. The frozen forest was beautiful,with icicles glittering in the last of the sunlight as they hung of the old pines and hibernating oaks. Even from the boy's height the forest hid the pristine lake and river from all viewers.

Ok, this was a good paragraph, I liked the description.

That's all the punctuation errors I found (but then again, I'm sleepy, so I probably looked over a few).

Anyway, my opinion of this is that you rushed. I think you should make your plot clear the first chapter. It's nice to start off mysterious, but you have to provide a LITTLE more info. so we know what's going on. Okay?

I hope to see more of this.





It's all a matter of perspective. Everyone is the hero of their own story, and the villain of another's.
— James