Disclaimer: I do not take this piece seriously, it is more of an experiment to try and confine an otherwise massive story to 1000 words.
Abar was a peasant who spent his whole life working on the shores of the Nile. He had Thirteen sons. As he grew older, his bones weakened and his health suffered, he was forced to stay in bed. Just as he felt that his time on earth was running short he called all his thirteen sons and said: ‘In a day or two I shall be no more, before my passing however, I want to share my last wish. It is to know that all of you will dedicate your whole lives to your homeland and work for it as hardly and proudly as I have. I am a peasant, as was my father, and his father before him, working the earth is in our blood and I want you all to accept and follow this destiny.’
On the morrow, he died. His last words touched the hearts of his every son except for the youngest. The youngest son, Ammon, was the most adventurous of them all. ‘Why is it that I should waste my lifetime working the earth instead of following my dreams. I won’t let my father choose my destiny for me, it is up to me to decide!’ he would murmur to himself. Nevertheless, he was forced to work the earth as did his older brothers. That is until he saw one mysterious dream.
It was in the city of Pasargadae, at the top of a marble temple, a magical feast. Women in outlandish costumes danced wildly in the rooms filled with wealth beyond belief, while troupes of immortal spearman guarded the entrance and maids took care of the plants in the enormous garden, full of otherworldly wildlife and mystical smells, which many mistook for the paradise on earth. At the head of the table sat a godly figure which turned out to be The King of Kings, The king of Persia, Anshan, Media, Babylon, Sumer and Akkad, The King of The Four Corners of The World, Cyrus The Great. He welcomed Ammon and embraced him as a father embraces his long-lost son.
As he woke up, he knew instantly what to do. ‘No more shall I work against my will. I shall be free! the king awaits me!’ He believed that the days of forced labor under the hot sun, which made his whole-body ache, were over. He loved all of his brothers dearly, but that was no reason to stay, for he loved himself more.
He had never left his small village. So, when he arrived in Memphis, he was quite astonished. All the buildings made of yellow brick, trading posts and canals with clean water made a great impression on him. Type of people that walked the streets ranged from chained slaves to the wealthy landlords which were usually carried in their tents. He got involved with a group of merchants, bought a camel with the last silver coin he had and agreed to follow them to Jerusalem. This way he left Egypt, the land where he was born.
The journey towards Jerusalem was hard and tiresome, it lasted for one year. Yet despite this, Ammon never doubted his decision. In Jerusalem people seemed wiser and society was more egalitarian: there were no slaves but no corrupt landlords either. People lived in harmony. Ammon had a chance to have a conversation with one of the servants of the temple named Samuel. He confirmed that Cyrus The Great was indeed an impeccable monarch, who has freed Semitic people from captivity in Babylon. They became good friends and Samuel promised that he would mention him in the piece of scripture which, he claimed, would dominate the world. He also urged Ammon not to go, for the road would take more than six years, but Ammon did not listen.
His next destination was Babylon. Samuel offered him food, gold coins and a great Arabian horse, wishing him good luck. The road towards Babylon was not easy. Ammon had to stop in every little village on the way to regain strength. He wasted quickly the gold that Samuel gave him, so he passed these six years in depressing poverty. His nutrition depended on the villagers’ good will.
As he finally arrived in Babylon, he was stunned by the beauty of the hanging gardens, architecture and irrigation system. Everyone in the city seemed to be rich, it was marvelous! And yet, he knew that Pasargadae was even better. Here he fell in love with Saara, a Babylonian noblewoman. He was too pleased to hear that she had feelings for him too. For the one month that he stayed there, their relationship developed and culminated in an interesting dialogue.
‘Saara, my love, I have regained strength and am ready to continue my adventure, will you come with me to Pasargadae? The king awaits me.’ She refused: ‘I would like to, but I cannot leave my family, it is a sin!’ ‘But Pasargadae is the paradise on earth!’ ‘Open your eyes, you are already in the paradise’
Ammon continued his journey without her.
In one year’s time, he was there! In Pasargadae! But it didn’t look like a paradise would. It was in flames! Turns out that Cyrus The Great has been poisoned, the city was in complete anarchy. Ammon couldn’t believe his eyes, he couldn’t help but cry as all his dreams and illusions shattered before him. Yet, he refused to go back, he opened the city gates, went in and stayed there. Needless to say, they mistook him for a rebel. He was hanged.
The moral of this story is that one should never leave his home for a place where he does not belong.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hey K4wa,
First Impressions: (DISCLAIMER: Obviously I read this as if I was reading the plot outline for a book, which is exactly what this is. I figured that I would base this review entirely off of the ability to take what you've come up with and spin it into a little tale.
Positives: It's not your average tale of EPIC action and adventure, which means that you would be able to spend more time and energy focusing on the actual important stuff, like character development and story building.
Negatives: It seems that it might be a little bland, as there's not really any big climatic point, except for perhaps the very end, but it ends on a sort of sad note. Not sure if that's what you were looking for.
Overall: I feel like this has been a terrible review. Usually my reviews are much better than this, but I started at a bad time. (I'll come back later and fix it.)
I give it:
Joseph Henry George
I think this story was very interesting. But, I feel as if the message could have been more strong. Maybe find a way to show moral of the story without you the author having to say it. When I read it, I didn't understand what you were trying to convey at all, until you pointed it out at the end. Other than that, I believe this story has massive potential and you've done a wonderful job on it. It just needs some editing, that's all. Good luck!