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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey there! Shey here for a review!
You said in your description that this is probably the most cliché thing you've written, and I will agree that it's cliché. However, it's still extremely enjoyable, and I ended up liking this piece a lot.
My first comment on it is something which the previous reviewer commented on. Exclamation points. They're used to show emphasis, but you don't want to overuse them. You have them when quoting a cry, and I think that was the most logical time to use them. The other times are really unnecessary, so you could probably get rid of them.
My other comment is on whitespace. This whole piece is located on the left side, with no line centered or on the right for emphasis. To be honest, it's somewhat boring. Whitespace is a poet's ally, so maybe try experimenting with it. Take advantage of it, because you can and should.
Overall, great piece! I really enjoyed it, and look forward to seeing more from you! Keep writing!
Hey there K1553,
Myjaspercat here to review your piece
Ok, that was a pretty interesting poem but as you mentioned in the description, it was cliché. Since you were already aware of that, I'm going to leave you with a quick caveat: write what is your own because there are ideas we have seen over and over again that are now becoming boring. Show us something new, something original, something uniquely you.
Any way lets touch up on a few points:
1. Remove the extra space between the lines.
2. Remember, every line doesn't need punctuation and every line doesn't need to be capitalized. Think of it this way, if you were to put this into a paragraph, you wouldn't have randomly capitalized words in the middle of a sentence so do have them here.
3.Exclimation marks --- ! - This is an exclamation mark. It is used to show emphasis and--surprise--exclamation. However, use this sparingly, if at all. Overusing exclamation marks--especially more than one in succession ("!!!")--is about the easiest way you can indicate to your reader that you're an amateur, and possibly a thirteen year old texting about their crush.
Think of it this way: If an exclamation mark is used for emphasis, to draw a reader's attention to something out of all the rest of the story, then you're not really doing that if every other sentence has an exclamation mark.
FINAL THOUGHTS:
I think you have a pretty sound poem, it just needs to be polished up a bit. Good job and good luck, continue writing. If you have any questions feel free to ask.