(A/N)I know the beginning doesn't sound romantic but.. It IS a love story or it will be eventually
[P.S The title will make sense in the next few chapters]*if i continue*
The pain of her back snapping in two against the tree was excruciating, but it wasn't a bad pain. It was a sweet pain. A pain she knew would be over too soon and replaced by a fire. A pain that would prove her worthy to the love of her life.
*A few weeks earlier*
I couldn't wait, I was finally going to meet my future husband. The man that would take me away from my home, or was purgatory the right word for this place? Either way I was leaving. Though I knew nothing of him, I didn't care all I cared about was getting away from the small town of Damlin, and to the beautiful country of Ryse.
People described him in different ways. A cold, dark, beautiful man with no emotions to speak of, was the most frequent of description. They said his eyes were the color of gold, his hair was as black as night and his name, oh his name. His name made your heart skip a beat, Damien Marcees, it rolled of your tongue with a beautiful elegance.
My thoughts were interrupted by the shrill voice of my mother "Skylar! You are going to be late for your flight!" It amazed me. Her tone actually made her sound like she cared, but I knew the truth, she was just glad to get rid of me. Even if she wanted to keep me, she wouldn't have been able to. I was picked by the family to marry their son. A rich beautiful family wanted me, to marry their described as perfect son, but once your picked you can't say no.
The drive to the air port was extremely awkward. Made so by my mother. My mother sat in the backseat of the limo with me. So graciously sent by the Marcees' for my personal enjoyment. Truth is I didn't actually ride in it until that day it felt weird for me to in possession of such an expensive item. I felt my moms eyes on me as I looked down at my laptop. I was trying my hardest not to talk to her but I continually felt her stare. I looked up and in her eyes I saw longing. As if she wanted, no needed, to tell me something. As if it were ripping at her soul. I looked at her with confusion.
"What?! why are you staring at me?" I asked in a way that made me cringe. I couldn't believe I was being so mean.
She opened her mouth to say something, and stopped as if had hurt her. As if had slapped her in the face. She turned and looked to the front and asked the driver to roll up the privacy window. Figures it wasn't my yelling that hurt her, it was the fact someone heard me. He said yes ma'am and rolled it up. She motioned me to come over. I put my laptop down and put it away in my backpack and hesitantly scooted towards her. She pulled closer, and in a low, frantic voice she said,
"Whatever you are about hear, you will never repeat, do you understand?" I heard the certain fear in her voice, so I agreed. She sucked in a large gasp of air before saying
"Skylar, the Marcees are not like us, not only are they a royalty of a sort but they have a secret." I was intrigued, a secret, a dangerous piece of trust I thought as I nodded for her to continue, wanting to hear more. "They are not normal. They are...." She hesitated acting as though she wouldn't tell me she looked away.
I couldn't take it anymore. I screamed at the top of my lungs, my body filled with anticipation "just spit it out! I want to know!" She looked at me with a solemn glare and said "they are vampires."
My heart dropped. I was so confused. My head was spinning and I felt sick to my stomach. I was going to marry a vampire? It was more of a question I was asking myself rather than a statement that I knew. I gasped for air, but my lungs still felt empty. I kept breathing small, shallow gasps for air. Finally my breathing slowed to a normal pace. I looked around in a daze. I felt the limo slow.
My mom was near the point of tears as she let go of me not because she would miss me but rather she had told a secret that could get her killed. I grabbed my things out of the trunk and my backpack from next to me and walked in the airport slowly still trying to wrap my head around things.
The plane ride was average or average enough. The fact I was flying first class kind of made me fell a little uncomfortable. They waited on me hand and foot and I began to wonder is this the way I'll be treated from now on. I really did enjoy it. My mind began to wander as I slowly relaxed. I drifted into a dream. There was a man his features were perfect in every way his smile glowed like the moon on the water, his eyes sparkled in a way I've never seen, and I felt a great amount of love for this man I've never met. I woke up with a sudden shake of the plane. The pilot announced over the intercom that we were experiencing some mild turbulence but we would be arriving very soon.
The plane landed in Ryse with no problems. It wasn't as scary as I thought it would be. After I grabbed my things I walked to the front of the airport and there waiting for me is a beautiful family. With a sign, no a poster, that said "Welcome Skylar". Decrorated with colours and sparkels. I felt more at home here in the first few seconds of seeing them than my entire life at Damila.
I walked in silence towards them. I didn't know how to react so I did what I always did, I faked a perfect smile and said hello. A women walked forward and introduced herself "Hello Skylar, My name Ayriana, and this is my husband Kayleb. We are very pleased to have you here" I shook both there hands. Ayriana introduced the rest of the family, but not by name. She simply said "and these are my children."
There were three brothers, they didn't’t look anything alike except for the fact they were all extremely pale. Of the three boys, one was big muscled like a serious weight lifter, with dark, curly hair. He wasn't very attractive to me though he seemed nice. The other was taller, leaner, but still muscular, and Black hair. His eyes just the way they described him, it was Damien, I was sure of it. The last was tall too, less bulky, with untidy, bronze-colored hair. He looked like the youngest and cutest. I couldn't help but to stare at him. He seemed so familiar. something about his features sent a wave of remembrance to me. He was beautiful. He had a confidence to him. Then I saw his smile, I saw his eyes and I realized he was the man from in my dreams. I tried hard not to stare and moved my gaze to the girls.
There were two, they looked exactly alike except some small details. Their hair was a beautiful Auburn color with honey colored undertones, that went down to their waists.
They had a very similar smile. They were twins, the most beautiful, perfect set of twins I had ever met.
I walked over to the boys. I said hello to the Muscular one. "Hello my name is Riane I am looking forward to bring like brother and sister very soon" he said in a voice that matched his body well I couldn't help but smile. Riane looked over at me and smiled as i walked over to, who I hope is Damien.
I said my hello and introduced myself. When I was through he grabbed my hand and kissed it, and said in a deep sweet voice that made my heart fly "hello, My name is Damien and welcome, I am looking forward to spending time with you." He winked at me and I couldn't help but giggle a little. He laughed at my cliche act and I proceeded on to the last one.
"Hello my name is Skylar" I said in a different tone than the one I used with the others, he made me feel nervous. I felt a instant draw towards him. He looked at me, he seemed to be focused on something. I just stared in his eyes absorbed by the feelings I already had for this stranger. It took a minute before he finally introduced himself "Hello Skylar my name is Ayden" and that's all he said before he looked down as though he expected me to move on to the next person.
So I did, I walked over to the two girls. "Hello" they said in unison. The slightly taller one with the more green eyes in the right said "hello my name is Marylyn and don't worry about Ayden hes just shy." she said with a smile I didn't quite understand.
I turned to the slightly shorter more blue eyed one on the left she said "hello my name Krystyna and I know you feel weird now but it will be normal soon" again with the same knowing smile as her sister.
Riane grabbed my luggage for me. While Damien held my hand and Ayden walked ahead of everyone almost running to the car. The twins were behind me whispering and babbling on. Every now and then I could the faint words "Skylar....Vampire.....Death......Damien.....Hurt.....Ayden." Just bits and pieces not enough to put together. We got into a Limo, and drove to the biggest house I had ever seen. It was a Mansion. It was beautiful and made of stone. I gaped at the house, amazed that in a matter of minutes I would be a resident of that house. I had gone from scared to nervous to excited all within a hour. The whole family seemed to be amused by my shear amazement.
I stepped out of the Limo and and went towards the trunk for my stuff. When suddenly Damien stopped me and said "there's no need for you to do that, we will have the servants do it." I was a bit shocked, not by the fact they had servants but by the fact they expected them to do everything, I was perfectly capable of carrying my own stuff.
When I got inside I was even more amazed everything was placed so perfectly. Damien gave me the grand tour of the first floor and it took about an hour and half the places i saw I'll never have to go in. Like The wine cellar, and places like that. When we got to the stairs that lead upstairs the twins stopped us and told Damien they would take me up and show me my room. I followed the twin only upstairs and down the hall a few doors and there was my room. They opened the door and showed me around, I gasped it was so beautiful. I fell in love with my room.
We all sat on the edge of my bed, the twins both looked at me and said in unison voice. "We know you know our secret, the one about use being vampires." They didn't seem angry or upset. They seemed unchanged like they didn't care if I knew, like they had no thought to second guess the facts I knew. Yet I was full of thoughts and emotions.
I just had one question, and my mind didn't control my mouth well, I ended up blurting out "How do you know that I know? What if you just reviled yourself to me?" They smiled once more a knowing smile, and laughed. Then they explained the world of vampires.
They could go outside when ever they wanted to, no stakes in the heart, no garlic, no coffins, they were basically normal people, except for the fact they drank blood and lived forever.
Krystyna then began to explain that she was able to read feelings and see whats causing them and she could also see the past, and Maryland was able to read minds and look into the future. I asked Krystyna if the others could do stuff too. They got up in unison and said I would find out soon as they walked out of my room.
I got up a few seconds later and followed them out as they lead me down stairs. Where Damien met me and took me by the hand. He lead me to the living room and we sat down. Waiting for the rest of the family to settle. Kayleb stood up and looked at me.
He said "Skylar, we'd like to have a proper welcoming party for you, is that okay?" I was kind of shocked and shook my head yes. They were all very happy and began planning. Among the midst of the rushing people I couldn't help but catch the gaze of Ayden. I felt something in my heart, I couldn't put my finger on it but I could guess it was love.
A/N Should I continue.... I need reviews.
ummm if you want your name in the story just tell me ![]()
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Keep going! Please I want to read more. Omg! I loved it!
You had so errors but you could make them out.If you do write more
please, please PM me.
Hello.
First off I would like to say that I love it!
Afew things I found.
1) When she meets the vampire family, she says she feels more at home than she ever felt. If you had a massive poster with your name on it, held up by people you've never met, after just getting off a flight (you're probably a bit nervous). Would you enjoy all that attention?
It just seems as though - from what I gather - she's not that sort of person, who would fit right in straight away. Maybe tweak that bit, or her personality slightly.
2)When she talks to the twins, why does they so easily reveal it? and why have you not put what they say into dialogue?
I think it would be better and more effective if you explained in more detail what vampires can do, and have the twins say it. That way we are more aware of all of their personalities, and how she reacts to different things.
I really, really liked this. PM me when you write more.
Hope I helped.
~Mo.
I fixed and added some things so... Ya
thanks for the reviews you really helped!
Hi ya, Nice story. Trust me, you don't need to make any excuses for the romantic part of the story, the undertones are quite noticeable besides your just beginning right?
. Seriously thats a big time no no!!! Also the ability to avoid repitition is very important. We hard already been told about the turbulence Skylar didn't hav to repeat it.

By all means continue writing! why will you think you should stop? Your doingh a fab job. A bit rough on th edges but fabulous still.
The only problems I saw : a few grammatical errors which a bit of an overview can correct. I also agree with the POV thing. Lets read and decide if its her point of view or if shes the narrator which has seems to be. I also don't think you should have written "*Dream*" before you told the dream
I'll be waiting for the rest so by all means get typing.
Happy writing.
Hiyas, Jynx! Sorry this took so long. I know I promised this last week, but I've been a bit busy. Still, I hope you'll forgive me! D:

But on to the review!
Nitpicks:
Don't tell us that it is Skylar's point of view. Let us find out on our own. Trying to solve who the narrator is and what the story is about is always fun.
I couldn't wait, I thought... That would sound a bit weird if I was talking to someone about my actions at the moment. I'd change 'couldn't' and 'was' to 'can't' and 'I'm'. It would help the paragraph flow a bit better.
There's nothing too wrong with this, just a bit of sentence structure. Try something like,
My thoughts were interrupted by the shrill voice of my mother. "Skylar! You are going to be late for your flight!"
It amazed me. The tone of her voice made it sound like she actually cared for me. I knew the truth, though. She was just glad to finally be rid of me.
The break between 'awkward' and 'made so' is a bit strange. It would be better to combine the sentences. Also, I'd like you to explain why the drive was awkward. Was it because of a silence, was her mother continually starting at Skylar or breathing down her neck? Show us how awkward it was.
I would change 'and' to 'but'. Also, though I like the effect of adding that third sentence, I think you could add it in better. I'm not sure how, but it is something that popped up in the back of my head.
I'm not too sure I'm fond of that 'duh' thrown in between the mother's explanation. If you get rid of that, the sentence would flow much better. Also, the part I bolded was confusing a bit to me. I think it's just the wording, so it can be fixed easily. However, it could also just be me... lol
Don't announce let dream. Find a way to transition into and out of it.
I'd tell the reader exactly what the family is holding up, because it interrupts the flow and makes the narrator look just a bit confused. Also, change 'said' to 'read.'
I think 'gaze' would read better instead of 'eyes', especially since you just said 'eyes' in the last sentence.
The next two paragraphs ("There were two... perfect set of twins I had ever met") would probably be better if you connected them. Also, I think you should show us a bit more about them. How are they beautiful? Is it their smile? Then you should show us the brilliance of that particular attribute that makes them beautiful.
More blue-eyed? I know you mentioned the other had "more green eyes", but I think you should explain a bit more. I'm guessing their eyes are hazel? Also, again? When did Krystyna have a knowing smile on her face before?
What kind of thoughts and emotions? Explain a bit. Also, this doesn't go with the beginning sentence of the next paragraph ("I just had one question..."). Out of all her thoughts and emotions, I'm sure she would have more than one question.
This paragraph, though great in explaining the "world of vampires", is just spilling information out. I'd find a better way to incorporate this into your story. Perhaps talk about the conversation or hint at it. Also, this is sounding a bit like Twilight. Make sure that it doesn't go in that direction. Add something that is completely yours and make it unique.
Lastly, for my nitpicks, don't add a smiley into the story. It is at the end, but it would be better if you just let the story end.
Description: The description is okay; you tell us what is going on and give us a basic overview of the scenes. However, you need to work a bit more on showing, not telling. There are a few good examples on this site.
Characters: Your characters all seem to have different personalities, but I think they need a bit more development. Let us see the characters. Right now, I can tell who is who, but they just need a bit more.
Plot: I can't say much on the plot at the moment, because this is only the first part. However, to those that don't know as much as you've told me, it may look a bit Twilightish. I know I mentioned that before, but I'm just saying that you need to add an element to it that is all you, the Jynx factor.
Extra Tips: Work a bit on sentence structure. There were several places where dialogue could be moved or sentences could be combined to let the story flow more. There were several capitalization errors and I know I didn't spot all of them. They're hidden throughout the work, but I'd just make sure to fix those.
Overall: I'm really excited to see where this is going. The story is interesting and from what you've told me, I'm sure it's going to get even better. Just work on what I've told you and I'm sure that the next part to Passion Over Power will be completely amazing (not that I have any doubts).
I hope I wasn't too tough or anything, but you told me you don't like the critiques that are too nice.
Smiles!
~Mira