E - Everyone

Chapter 1 :forest flight

PreviousNext

I was running blindly, panic nipping at the heels of my heart. The evening light was fading and the world was quiet save for the rasping of my breath and the heavy crashing of my bare feet through the brush. "Slow down," I begged myself,"You've left them far behind by now," I chanced a look back and saw nothing but empty forest, I turned back, too late, to see a dark form blocking my path, "Oh god!" I yelled, sliding to a stop just before crashing into the largest bear I had ever seen. It seemed surprised, its breath hot against my forehead, and dumbly stared at me through terrifying pupiless eyes. It was the demon that haunted this forest,  Bremblebluck,  I had heard the stories for years. My brain developed a genius escape plan, "RUN!!!" I turned left and catapulted my self into a thicket, too late I realized my mistake and had to plow through the cruel thorns, "At least that might slow the beast down." I tore free of the thorns and zig zagged right and left between the trees, remembering that deer did this to confuse predators, but then, could I really count on thickets and trees to stop a demon bear. I looked back again to check if it had followed...and then I saw stars and knew nothing.

  "Who are you? " An unseen specter asked, it's ominous voice echoing into the dark void that had formed around me. "I..I am Breck," I answered, trying to ignore the creeping feeling at my back or the frightened quiver in my voice. "HA, hahahaaha! Scared are you little Breckwyn?" "I am not afraid!!!!" I was angry, but my voice sounded tiny and whiny in the large emptiness I was in. "and my name is Breck, only my mother called me Brecwyn," "Hahahahahahahaha, Breckwyn, breckwyn, poor frightened breckwyn!" The voice was sarcastic and the taunt was familiar, I winced at the bitterness rising up in my throat. "Who are you!" I shouted, "Hahahahahahaha, the boy asks who I am? Poor Breckwyn, are we lost again?" "Lost? I'm not lost, this is a dream," The sudden realization was comforting, " you can't be lost in a dream," The voice laughed again and began taunting, "LOSt, lost, lost, lost, lost...." I felt a creeping cold sensation at my skin, like the emptiness around me was slowly creeping in to my bones, and thought, "That voice is starting to sound like mine,"

I awoke with a start, the strange coldness still with me, the word lost still echoing in my ear, with shame I realized it was my own voice whimpering into the morning air. I pushed my self up off the ground, leaves stuck to my face and in my hair from where I had lain on the forest floor. My head was a pulsing lump of pain, heavy as a log, and filled with confused thoughts. I tried to stand and my world spun out of control for a moment, I nearly retched but the feeling passed. I looked down at my poor feet which burned like fire from the many thorns imbedded in them, my legs and arms weren't much better off and my old cloth jacket and pants were torn. I felt the old fear welling up, tears at my eyes, I beat at the ground with my fist, "Toughen UP you baby! " I yelled, breaking the silence of the morning.  "I'm not lost," I told myself boldly, "I can't be that far from home. All I need to do is climb one of these trees." I looked up at the giant trunks of ancient oaks and felt my brain whirling at the thought. "How?" I wondered, "...I'm just going to have to!" I tried to move again and darkness threatened my mind, I shook my head to clear it and passed out again.

MORE LATERRRRR!!!!! Muhhahahahahahaha ;) (trust me, any questions will be cleared up, this is just the begginning and is meant to bait you a bit. :D )

Comments & reviews · 3
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

User avatar
Deanie
Review
Deanie wrote a review · Sun May 26, 2013 4:55 pm

Hey Justlittleoleme,

As description goes, this was good. It had good description of her feeling scared, and of her worry. Especially when you said that even to herself, her voice sounded wimpy in the big space. That was a good line :)

But I'm confused by the actual story. I don't understand if what happened was a dream or not? Or was it a memory? Or is it currently happening right now. That's where I started to get a little bit confused, and would like it if you explained to me.

In the beginning, whilst the character was thinking, you had speech marks. Would she really voice her thoughts out loud if she was running from something/someone? Wouldn't it be more realistic if you put those into italics so they were just thoughts, and not thoughts voce out loud.

I heard there was more coming. Let me know when it does!

Deanie x

User avatar
Youngwriter724
Comment

loved the writing. the descriptive dialogue was also great. there is one thing tho, i would suggest separating the dialogue from the text, it makes it easier to read. cant wait to read more.

User avatar
Rurouni
Review
Rurouni wrote a review · Sun Apr 07, 2013 9:10 pm

This is very confusing. I honestly didn't get it. Maybe you could re-formatt it. Its just very confusing, and I din't ynderstand who the voice is. I didn't get the bear either. And it seems a little too fast. It doesn't really lure me in. If I where you, I would; Describe what the bear is, slow the pace of the reading, I understand its action, but its just a little too fast, fix the formatting, and, where are they? Its just too confusing. It needs more detail, and more slow. I don't understand this story at all. I'm sorry, its too confusing. Use my tips to 'lure people in'

Sorry, I'm not good at transitions, and it's fast because I was trying to mimic how the brain works when you are panicking. He is running through the forest after being robbed(that is why he doesn't have shoes), He gets knocked out by a tree limb because he wasn't paying attention to where he was going, the bear is a future character, the voice is..well it's kinda like an inner person type of thing...his own self critic/fears...yeah...that part confuses me too But trust me, it all has meaning. :)

Thank you for the Review by the way, I will check out those tips. :) I thinking maybe I should start at the very beginning where he was being robbed...



HONK
— The Golden Goose