Published September 13, 2011
I step out,
barefoot,
into the cold morning grass,
relieved to have made it through,
another night.
The pale air strikes my senses,
and I let it fill me,
like pure water pouring into,
an old cracked vase.
A sigh escapes, as thoughts jumble up,
of what I'm doing out here,
in the cold.
Frustrated, I brush them down,
stroking my disrupted conscience,
telling it,
I will be okay.
I just don't want to spend,
another night,
in that dusty old house,
so full of stagnant memories.
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141,381 Literary Works • 674,386 Reviews
Good job, Little Me.
You're a good poet after all. 
I liked it, and it was very clear and concise. Keep writing (even poetry). 
Thanks guys XD
a very nicely phrased poem indeed...!!
it actually inspired me to write a beautiful poem...!! keep the good work going on...all the best..!!
Beautifully written!!! And you say you're not a poet???? COME ON.. Then all this stuff is carelessly poetic.... Believe me you can write poems... I could tell it from the first look at the poem...
This line gives me that 'Deja Vu Feeling'... I've been through this too :
Another day is another war. Keep writing !
Thanks for the review Jash! XD I made the appropriate changes, though I kept the ellipsis since to me it indicates thought and the title is a thoughtful one...I'm not sure that quite makes sense though "shrugs shoulders* I understand what you were saying about reviewing other peoples poems, its just such a personal form of writing, in some cases its almost pure emotion, and can you really review emotion? Thus, reviewing another person's poem can be a little difficult, So thank you, for taking the time out of your day to do so.
-justlittleoleme
Hey, Justlittleoleme! I'm a poet. But my poetry isn't traditional poetry. I write songs. So yeah... I don't think I'm very good with traditional poetry, esp. in reviewing 'em. But since you've requested a review, I will try my best to... well, um, review it, I guess! But before everything I just wanted to point out your title:
Is this the title? Well, I'm feeling a bit nitpicky about it. As far as I know, it's OK to use a comma in a title. Though I cannot really give you a reference since I just can't find one to confirm it. But I would like to ask you: Do you think the comma is that necessary? One thing I'm sure of, the ellipsis sure isn't!
Moving on.
The structure is probably what bothers me; the usage of comma<?>. I think entering into a new line would be enough, and not putting a comma at every end of the line. The commas kind of acted like barriers, I don't know, esp. here:
And here:
But setting that aside, I did like this very much! I don't know how to properly put my thoughts into words about how I feel in it. But I did like your imagery. It was a short poem, still it dazed me a bit. I read it twice. Not because I did not understand it the first time, but because I wanted to enjoy it again. Honestly, I really like this. It was a smart move for you to follow that poetic whim of yours. I do think it won't be long till you feel that impulse again and write a poem people will enjoy. I sure enjoyed it. I'm sorry if I didn't say much. I'm scared of touching people's poems. It's freedom, if you know what I mean. That's why I usually keep it subjective. And I am admitting that this comment is only subjective. So yeah... KEEP WRITING! And have a blessed day!
~ Jash B.
Thanks a million for the review!
Though I have to admit that I am without doubt, a free verse girl, there will be times when I break down and write a poem that follows the rules. When I'm do this its more for fun than anything. For the most part, I feel that free verse allows for the most feeling and expression. Like you said, we write because we feel like it.
I love the "meh... I felt poetic" that is something I would say. I'm not a regular poet either but I thought it was good! I'm going to take it stanza by stanza; your first stanza has this great appearance of simplicity however it has this underlying clever tone that almost knows that it's dramatising the whole thing. I might consider putting "another night" on the same line but I'm not too sure.
Your second stanza is good, you're really developing a refreshing and cold like dew image.
Third stanza is good, you had nice timing in starting to describe what's happening because up until now it's all been descriptions of objects so I think you left it just enough time to introduce human thoughts into it.
I LOVE this stanza:
It's absolutely brilliant. I love the idea of a conscience being this animal that needs to be tamed, and I love the idea of telling "it" I will be okay. Because to be honest I do that all the time (just today i was constantly repeating in my head, it's okay, it's okay, i'm okay, i'm okay).
Your ending stanza is also really good, giving some detail away while still leaving it open to interpretations. The idea of stagnant memories like dust is also a great one so well done!!!
I think you did really well ! Even if it wasn't the most technical of poems, but hey we all write because we FEEL LIKE IT. When I write poetry I'm not thinking about how many syllables are in each line or if I'm meeting the requirements of a sonnet I just write what I FEEL. It seems like you have done that and the result is great! Maybe you should try poetry again and the technical stuff may just come naturally after a while (that's what I'm hoping)
Thanks so much, I'm actually a little relieved that somebody liked it. I don't really consider myself even remotely poetic, I'm more about descriptive writing, but there are those times when I get the poet bug and I just have to write something like this or I'll expload... or something a long those lines! XD
I took your advise and changed glad to relieved...it actually fits the mood a lot better, so I have you to thank for that
I went ahead and removed the difficult stanze...there just didn't seem to be anyway to make it work right...
Hello there!!!
I really like this poem! I love the concept of what you wrote about here. Actually, this poem is quite refreshing, at least to me, especially in the first two stanzas. There are a few things that I think could make it even better than it already is, though.
This is a nice stanza. The only thing that I think would've made it better is if you would've used another word than 'glad' in the fourth line. I feel that, although the word 'glad' serves its purpose, it isn't the most vibrant word you could've used. Perhaps a more unique synonym for that word would've done a better job here.
This stanza is my personal favorite. I adore the way that you compared yourself to an old cracked vase. Sometimes, when you're feeling down, that's exactly what you feel like: something broken and cracked and shoddy that needs mending. So, good job here.
I don't like this stanza nearly as much as I like the rest of your poem. It may be just a personal preference, but it's how I feel. While the rest of your poem captured the dreamy grogginess felt when one wakes up, I feel like this one's too blunt and plain for my liking. Still, it's not bad work. I just don't like it as much as the others.
Overall, awesome work with this poem! I look forward to reading more from you.
Keep writing!