I'm not finished yet. How do you like it? Before you read, this isn't suppose to be a short story...I was hoping for a longer one, so not all of it fits in just yet. OK. Thanks for all reviews!
Beep! Beep! was what I heard that Monday morning when I was trying so desperately to get just five more minutes of sleep?
Stomping into my bedroom was my mum saying, “Liam get up! Don’t make me come in here and turn that alarm of yours off again! And your dog needs food, water, and to go outside. Your father didn’t give him to you so you can ignore him. How old are you again?” She told me. Apparently she was having a bad morning.
"13" Was all I said as I was taking the blankets off and getting up.
Rubbing my eyes, my dog came into view from the hallway. He was waiting for me to say he could come in. Ralfeo was a very good dog. He was trained well; it took forever, it seemed like.
“Come on in Ralfeo.” He came and jumped on my bed. He wobbled a little; then slammed down.
After I got up and around, I decided I had some time to go ahead and eat some cereal. I searched the dark cupboard for my favorite cereal, and then found it. I smiled.
When I was done, I put the bowl on the floor and called Ralfeo over to lick it clean, well not clean we still have to wash it but it will be easier. My mum came in the dining room to get me for school.
“Come on Liam, go head out to the car. It’s time to leave.” My mum told me with her keys dangling on her finger. “Oh hey, go start the car would you?” She asked.
“That was unusual…” I thought. Shrugging my shoulder with a smile, I snatched the keys and went for the car. As I turned the key, the engine came to life. The sound of the engine was a sweet noise to me. Something about being behind the wheel got me going. I imagined myself in a nice silver mustang and started to fake drive when my mum came out the side door, then I swiftly got out of the drivers set, wiped myself off and went to sit in the passenger set. My mum laughed; she must have seen me turning the wheel.
“Having fun?” She asked me in a playful manner.
“Humph. Yeah, I was.” I said.
It was already a few months into school. As my mum pulled up, I saw my bud sitting on the curb with his binder on his lap drawing. His black hair was bright in the sunlight. Some people would refer to him as “emo” but that was just his hairstyle. It was all right. He usually wore tight jeans; however, today he wore some baggy faded pants, his black and white shoes, and a plain white t-shirt t-shirt.
“Bye mum!” I yelled as I was getting out of the car.
She called after me and said, “Don’t forget your book bag.”
“Oh yeah, I forgot. Thanks mum.” This time I gave her a hug and I heard my friend laugh from outside the car.
My mother drove away and I pushed my friend and said, “What’s so funny, Josh?”
He just snickered and told me, “You still hug you’re mom good-bye?” Josh laughed.
“Oh, shut up dude, it was one time!” I snapped.
“Let’s get to class.” He nudged me.
With my backpack over one shoulder, Josh and I walked through the C-Hall door. My other friend saw Josh and me and came over to us. She wore light blue shorts with a nice blue over shirt and a white under shirt. As she bounced over to us, her dirty blond hair got in her face.
“You’re certainly blue today.” I told her as I over looked her.
Smiling she said, “Thank you!”
Josh made a face. “How’re you, Katie? He asked her.
“I’m all right. What about you?”
“I’m pretty good actually. I was drawing this morning and I think I’m going to show the art teacher in seventh hour,” He paused. “Maybe…” He finished.
“Oh cool, what did you draw?” She asked.
Thinking he said, “I drew a person, someone random, holding a coffee cup or something.”
Katie asked him if she could see it. While they were talking about his drawing, we made our way upstairs and sat down in our first hour. English. Then I saw her.
I felt my mouth open; I quickly shut it. Josh saw me, I guessed; he looked up at me and laughed. Katie with her curious eyes looked at me and flashed her brown eyes in the mystery girls’ direction. Then she looked back at me, covered her mouth, and giggled her high-pitched laugh. As I looked in my friends’ way, she sat in front of me. My mouth fell open again. While the teacher came up to her, Josh came to my side and whispered,
“Hm…looks like you like her.” He said.
Before I had a chance to react, she turned to me and said, “Hi, I’m new here. I am Michele. What’s your name?”
Michele had a perfect beautiful smile, one that made you wanna smile too; every tooth that I saw was a pearl white. Her hair was a shiny black under the bright school light, her cheekbones perked out like a super models did. She was somewhat tall maybe as tall as I was, and skinny. Her eyes were light blue-green, and she had a cute little button nose. Then, I realized I was just sitting there staring at her with a smile of my own. Josh had snapped in my face, I gave him a look that said go away and he knew. The once mystery girl who was now Michele, laughed a little giggle.
“Uh…Hi, I’m Liam Lumbridge,” I paused, looked down and continued. “It’s nice to meet you Michele. You should like it here…Well I do…” I half smiled.
Not even noticing what I did she took my out reached hand and shook it. I was truly embarrassed. At least Michele thought it was funny. Glad I could make her laugh. Josh just laughed and Katie was no help either, but she did say she would try and get her to be friends with Michele and put in a good word about me. Hopefully she would follow through on that, wouldn’t get my hopes up.
“Ugh! Did you think I was being weird, or…” I looked down, moving my hands in a somewhat circle, trying to find the right word.
“Strange, awkward, nervous, and a fool, does that sum it up for you?” Josh threw the words out like it didn’t make a difference how I acted.
Katie just put her hand over her mouth and laughed.
“Katie, why don’t you just run along,” Raising my eye brows at her, I moved my hands back in forth in a line that pointed to her bus.
“Well, fine if that’s how you feel, and then I will.” She puffed. Then she said, “See you guys tomorrow!”
We waved even though she didn’t see; she knew. I remembered when I first saw her; she was pretty but not as pretty as Michele. When I saw Katie the first time she wore her hair up the why that she hates, but it didn’t look half bad on her. For like the first few days I knew her, I thought I actually liked her. Trying to escape the nasty thoughts I searched for something Josh and I could do. Josh had found it for me when he said,
“Hey,” He snapped at my wondering eyes. “Do you wanna hang at the park, or something?”
“Hey,” I snapped back in his face a few times. “You snap in my face a lot, you know.”
“Oh, I do, sorry. So, how about that park, wanna go?” He asked once again.
“Well, why not.” Shrugging my shoulders for the second time today, we set off for the Ridge-way Park.
We wandered the park for a while then stumped upon the swings. We set our book bags down and sat on the worn out swings. They squealed under our weight, but that didn’t stop us. I felt like a chick, just sitting there on the swings. Guys are supposed to skateboard and run around or something. I’ve never seen a few guys just sitten on some swings.
“Dude, remember when we were like five or somewhere around there when I first moved here we played on these swings. What was it we called it? Oh yeah bumper cars, such fun we had.”
Bumper cars – a game where two people would swing side to side and slam up against each other while on the swing.
“Ha, yeah I remember that, you were a scared lost little boy then, and shy.” Josh laughed. I tried to cut in and tell him he was wrong but he was right. Then he went on. “You member that other game we played I don’t think we had a name for it. When we like acted like the ground was lava, and if any of us touched it we were out. We would climb on the swing sets, and jump from rock to another piece of equipment.” Josh laughed and looked up at the sky, and plopped on the ground below the already low swing.
“Yep, I remember. We were so carefree then, and we still are a little.” I got up and went around to the other side of my rusty red swing and laid on it belly first, spread my arms out and kicked my feet off the ground and swung a few inches. As I did that, Josh – still sitting on the ground but now with his hands up over his head holding his also rusty old green swing - just watched me with a weird look. “What? Its fun, you try it.” I told him.
“Oh I know that. I used to do that with my brother.” He said.
“Oh. I wish I had a brother or sister just to take to the park and swing with or something, it’s boring around the house when you’re an only child.” I said, with a sigh.
“Trust me, dude you do not want siblings or older brothers and sisters. They’re annoying and they bug you all the time. You never get any alone time. I would know.” He replied raising his eyebrow, probably wishing he was an only child. “But hey, that’s why you got me. We’re basically brothers.” He said with the corners of his mouth pulling up, and turning to look at me while I was touching the ground and moving some sand around between my dry fingers.
“True, true,” I mumbled. “We are like brothers. Ha, you’re my brother from another
mother!” I said in the best “gangster” voice possible for me. I also crossed my arms a little above my chest.
“Wow…don’t do that again…” He said looking away. “Really don’t if someone’s watching.” He said once again looking away, embarrassed.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hi!
So, a few things. If you hadn't requested me to do this story, I probably still would have found it and reviewed it. Why? The title really drew me in. It was classy, and and it really gave me the impression that I was going to go on a wild ride that was this story.
Well, I was pretty disappointed. Now, I know we talked in chat, but don't feel bad. You just need a little more practice! We all join this site because we have a talent, a passion. Imagine your talent right now as a block of un-carved marble. There's a beautiful statue somewhere inside, right? You just have to refine it and chisel away all of the bad parts.
To start things off, I'm on the same page as the previous reviewers that your beginning wasn't all that great. In my writing classes in third, fourth, and fifth grade, we learned never to start a story the way you did. Titles should the hook the reader and make them want to continue onward. I can't tell you exactly how to start a story, because there are a lot of different ways, but I recommend you try this. The next time you're at a bookstore, pick out ten to twenty books and read the first sentence only. Which ones did you want to continue with? How did they hook you, exactly? Think about that, and apply that knowledge to whenever you start a new story.
Second, I felt that this was really lacking in both character and story departments. In terms of character, you mention a few things about Liam that you never really bring up again, like his artist ability, and the fact that he is from England. You may argue that these are just traits to help develop his character, but the difference is that they don't make any impact whatsoever on the story. You could leave them out, and we wouldn't really mind much. Besides, the less we know about a character, the more interesting he can be, right?
Whenever I read a story, I like to look for something that follows the traditional plot pyramid. This is exposition, where you introduce the characters and conflict, the rising action, where the main character comes in closer and closer terms with the conflict, the climax, the tense point of action in the story where the conflict is resolved, and the resolution, where things are wrapped up. You seem to be missing conflict here. So, your main character falls in love with a pretty girl. They go to the amusement park. He enjoys time with his friends. Yeah, so? Why should we even care?
Think of something that's going to get in the way of Liam and Michele's relationship, even if it is just minor. Maybe he and his friend are gunning for the same girl. Maybe the love story is tragic. Right now it just reads like the day of a teenager's life. It's cute, but not memorable. What will you write that's going to hook me, excite me, scare me, and finally appreciate when it's over?
I hope this helped, and good luck revising! PM me if you have any questions.
-Elinor xo
Comments in red.
Final thoughts:
The beginning is one humongous infodump. Kill it. Kill it dead by simply deleting the entire thing.
The beginning of your story is when he meets Michele, and you took a while to get there. Hurry.
Dialog is stilted. Very stilted. Unnatural.
Lacks description when required and puts in too much description as to how a person looks. We can get by not knowing how they look for a while. Show it to us in little tidbits. She tucks her blond hair behind her ear, etc.
Lacks character development. Liam, Katie and Josh are pretty flat. I could switch their names and honestly I won't notice.
Michele seems pretty okay from what you've shown - she's extremely friendly, gorgeous and a forgiving of social awkwardness.
There is nothing that's going to force me to keep reading. There are no stakes presented yet. :/ Show me an antagonist or something that might actually get in the way of their relationship.
Liam, from what you told me -not from what I've read-, seems to have the makings of a perfect person. You DON'T want a character who isn't flawed. I'll even admit that the more flawed a character is the more I love him/her.
Anyway, those were my thoughts. Purely opinionated so please don't take it too seriously. PM me if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
Kara
Hi! I'm Areida. I'm 20. I go to college. It's not a very big college. My building where I live has six floors. I live on the third floor. I am glad I live on the third floor, because I would not like to climb to the sixth floor. I have a good family. I do not get to see them very often because my school is in the United States, in New York, and my home is far away, also in the United States, but in Texas. It is a long way away. But not as far as it is to travel for my friends who live in Hawaii or California. Those are some long flights!
...that wasn't very interesting, was it? (At least, I hope not.)
That's sort of how you started out. But you don't have to! There is hope! You can let us know all these types of things without dumping them into a boring first paragraph.
Besides that, I'd reconsider how you start. Everybody knows about getting up in the morning when they don't want to and going to school to see the same people every day. It's an easy way to start a story, even a comfortable way to do it, but not a very interesting way to do it. Try something new! I have a feeling you can do better.
Finally, really take a good, hard look at your dialogue. This was the most cringe-worthy spot for me:
First of all, the Captain would be insulted. "What is this Caption Crunch and why has it replaced my crunchy cereal of golden deliciousness!" (Basically, you really need to check your spelling. It'll make a difference. Later someone gets called a "lair" instead of a "liar," which is funny... but not in the way you're going for.)
Second of all, people don't talk like this. The kid just woke up - he's not going to give a coherent apology and swear to reform. He's groggy! Give him a break! He doesn't even have to say anything at all.
The dad kills me. I just imagine him puffing up his chest and giving a hearty chuckle, back-slapping everyone and speaking with over-exaggerated gruffness. Youngster? I know they're British... but really. It's just dorky-sounding. Even though parents are dorky, I don't think they're quite that bad.
And the dog's name is Rover?! No, no, no. I know you can do better than that. Unless the dog is named Rover by someone being totally sarcastic, there's no reason to revert to that kind of cliche'.
So best of luck to you in your revisions! Hopefully some of the things I've mentioned will help.
Thanks for the review, Justis! As I said, I would return the favor.
Well, I'm a big romance reader so this sparked my interest, but when I started to read it, I felt like I was being run over with an autobiography, haha. Slow down on the information, make your character more of a mystery than a base line. It gives the reader a mission to keep reading to unravel the characters.
As for grammar, you seem to have a good start down but like Sachiko said, I have to agree. But, there's no need for repeated criticism.
One last statement, they're in seventh grade? I would have to say that's a little young.
Hi, Justis! Let's take a look at what we've got here, shall we?
Okay, first off. What we've got here is a case of Info-dumping. Basically, info-dumping is... well, just that. It's shoving a whole bunch of information at the reader. All of what's above could easily be integrated elsewhere into the story, instead of having a paragraph right at the beginning giving away all the secrets.
The character has already stated that he wants five more minutes of sleep. Why would he say it again out loud?
As for the bolded, I believe the word you were looking for is "Worn", not warn. Checking a dictionary to make sure the word you're using is the word you actually want would probably be helpful. =)
When writing something and you have two people speaking, you always start a new paragraph when one person stops talking and another begins. Example!
Just remember: new speaker, new paragraph!
I think you've got the basic gist of what I'm trying to say. Cut back on the info dumping in the beginning, remember the dialogue/paragraph rule. Your grammar is alright, though a little shaky.
Another suggestion to think on is this. As your character is a boy (he is a boy, yes?) then you should work on making him sound like a boy. At the moment, he flip flops.
I hope this helps even a little bit, and if you have any questions whatsoever, please feel free to PM me!
Sachi