Foreverland Chapter 1

I sat there and listened to my dog slobber over a chip I had given her. In the other room, I could hear my parents fighting like cats ‘n’ dogs. Not wanting to listen to my dog nor my parents, I grabbed my head phones off of my old nightstand and plugged my outdated MP3 player in. “Why is my dad even here?” I thought. “There fighting is what got them divorced.” I said under my breath and eased my eyelids shut, when my dad came in. His forehead was wrinkled with worry lines. He shut the door behind him and came to sit on my dark blue sheeted bed.

“Honey,” He began, his voice strained; probably from yelling at my mom. “I’m sorry.” My dad hung his head. “I just came to pick you up and your mom didn’t get my message.” He paused to look at me. My head phones were off now. “She thinks I’m trying to take you away from her.”

Before he could say anything else I cut in and said, “I would rather live with you, dad.” I heard my mom slowly walking from outside the door – the floor boards creaked. I didn’t care if she heard me. “Mom drives me crazy and she’s not as much fun as you are.” I made an attempt at smiling.

“Alyssa,” He took my hand. His palms were sweaty. “I know you don’t like it here, but your mom needs you.”

“Why?!” I half yelled.

“Calm down sweetie. She just…I don’t know. She’s complicated. She’ll be lonely without

you.”

“She’ll get the dog!” I said pointing to the Jack Russell Terrier. “She’s a smart little dog. Mom can have her.” There were a few moments of silence. I broke it by asking, “Why did you come and get me?”

“I was going to see if you would like to go out to eat and then bowling.” He paused. “Sounded fun, thought maybe you might wanted to go.”

“Well, what are you waiting for, get me out of here!” I said while freeing my hand from his and getting my hoodie which was laying on my messy room floor. “And it does sound fun.” I smiled.

“Wait,” He touched my arm. “It’s not my day. Your mom could have the cops come if she didn’t want you to go. You better ask her.”

I groaned. “Don’t you go anywhere, I’ll be back.” I told him. I ran my fingers through his ragged short black hair as I went by. “Mom,” I called.

I heard a noise from the downstairs kitchen. Running down the stairs, I saw my mom sitting on the counter with a cup of hot chocolate. “Mom,” I said. “Can I go with dad, please?” I pleaded.

“It’s not his day.” She told me. “He can’t just show up – without telling anyone - and take you away.”

“But he didn’t! He left you a message. Check your phone!” I said sitting on the bottom step. My mom fiddled with her phone and set it down.

Turning back to me she said, “I guess he did.” There was a moment of silence as I waited. “No, it can wait until tomorrow.”

“Why? There’s no reason for you to keep me here.” I got up and pointed at her. “I’m just going to be sittin’ in my room bored to tears. You never let me do anything! Why can’t I go?!” I asked her.

“Honey-“

“Don’t honey me! Just tell me why. I bet you can’t even give me a real reason as to why you won’t let me go!” I practically yelled at her.

“Alyssa! I don’t have to have a reason, you’re my daughter and I have a right to say no!” She said.

This time it was my dad to talk. “She’s my daughter too.” He told her in a calm voice. “I have every right to take her out as you do.”

“Joey, you stay out of this!” My mother snapped.

“Why? This involves me too.” He said lifting his hand. “All I wanted to do is take her out and have some fun bowling. You never do that with her. She needs fresh air Heather. You can’t just keep her cooped up in this house forever.”

“Get out of my house! Or…or I’ll call the cops!” She yelled.

I wanted to hit something. I didn’t want to stay here anymore. My hands balled up into fists, and I went for the front door. I had my cell that’s all I need at this point. As I opened the front door my dad was coming over to me, I just ran out the door hiding around the corner of the house.

“Alyssa!” He shouted. “Where are you going?” My mother came out then.

“Look what you’ve done?!” She yelled at him.

“Me? You’re the one who won’t let her leave! How many times have you said no to her?

Huh?! You’ve pushed her far enough.” He started to calm down. I heard him walking out farther. I could see his red shirt from the side of the house.

Flipping my phone open, I turned it to vibrate, and then called my friend Ashley.

Her ring back tone played then she answered, “Hello?”

“Hey, can you come get me?” I asked.

“Why, what’s wrong?” She sounded worried.

“My parents are fighting and I’m tired of it. Can you or not?” I was getting impatient.

“Yeah, sure I can come; car or no car?”

“No car. And hurry! I’ll call you whenever I get far enough away from them ok?”

“Ok. Bye.” There was a click.

I ran behind the two big oak trees in my neighbor’s yard. Looking around, I decided to go through the neighbor’s backyard so my parents couldn’t see me. Taking my shoes off – so I could ran faster without making as much noise – I darted for the fence and jumped it with my two converses in one hand. The wind felt cold on my red nose and cheeks. My long brown bangs got in my face. It was dark outside and chilly. The people who lived there must have had kids; there was a small swing set and a red slide in the backyard. Running to the next fence, I climbed over it and heard the sirens of a cop car coming up the road and ran for the perfectly cut bush.

I’ve never been chased by the cops…and it won’t start today. They passed me and went for my house; I couldn’t see my parents, I was too far away. Hearing a dog bark, I got scared and ran. I followed the edge of the forest as I ran. Eventually I reached a near-by gas station and called Ashley again.

She said she was on her way. I waited beside the gas station. When she arrived, I told her what had happened.

“Your mom is a total female dog!” She stretched out the word female.

I laughed. “I know, I know. Just be glad you don’t have to live with her.” I nudged her arm.

“Ha, not no more girl, you can live with me! Well if you want.” She suggested.

“I might stay with you for a while. They called the cops…probably looking for me. I want to stay with my dad, but my mom’s got custody of me. My dad only has visitation rights.” There was a moment of silence. “I think I’m old enough to decide which parent I stay with.”

“You are! You’re fifteen; you can decide who you stay with when you’re like…I don’t know, like thirteen or something.” She started raising her hands in the air while she talked.

We walked on the edge of the forest as I had done when coming to the gas station. It was too risky to walk on the sidewalk with the cops out. Whenever one of us seen one, we hid in the forest until they passed. The forest was a dark deep green. Very humid too, there was a few streams running here and there probably coming from the river a ways in the forest. No one came into this forest…there was an old legend that once your far enough in your not getting back out. Sometimes there are reports of people missing and they had been last seen by the mysterious forest.

About half an hour pasted, we were half way to Ashley’s house. The rain had started to pick up and we stopped in a small grocery store off the road.

“Do you have any cash on you?” I asked Ashley as we walked in. No one paid attention to us as we entered.

“I have about…” She reached in her jean shorts pocket. “I have a ten.” She said handing it to me. “Go ahead and get you something to snack on.”

“All right mother.” I laughed. “Come on, we’ll share a drink.” The cash register girl started to stare us down. I elbowed Ashley slightly in her rib, “That chick is staring at

us.” I stared back.

Ashley looked over her shoulder and said, “Oh well. What drink you want?”

“Let’s just get a coke.” I said grabbing it out of the cooler. We walked over to the snack area. I pointed at some chips and Ashley nodded her head in agreement.

Ashley and I walked up to the register. I smiled as did the register girl; her nametag said Carla. “We’ll have these.” Ashley said putting them up on the counter.

Carla ran the items across the red light. “That’ll be…” She was punching some numbers in the keyboard. “Six dollars and eighty-three cents.” She said while pulling the receipt out of the machine.

“Thanks.” Ashley said taking the small sack with our items and stuffed the receipt into the bag.

Carla was staring me down. I felt uncomfortable. Then I noticed the news was on the small old television set behind her. The man on the news was talking about a missing teenager, I instantly became scared. I grabbed Ashley’s arm and pointed to the T.V. suddenly the man on the screen turned a different man in front of a house…it looked familiar. It was my house; my dad was the one who they asked the questions to. My mom was in the background still holding her cup of hot chocolate. They showed my school picture and told them to call the number on the screen if they seen me. Carla reached for the phone and I took off running out the door. Ashley was delayed but then was next to me running.

We darted over to the forest once again but this time I went straight in, not stopping. I looked over my shoulder and saw that Ashley was hesitate to following me. “Come on!” I stopped.

“Do I gotta?” She whined.

“If you don’t want to but the press will be all over you!” I yelled back but this time starting to run deeper into the dark forest.

The animals started to get louder; the wolves, owls, birds, and all the little animals that lurched around. I started to hear the small twigs cracking behind me I just assumed it was Ashley. Looking over my shoulder, I saw that it was not Ashley but a wolf! By instinct, I screamed and ran faster. Instantly I felt like something had just pushed its way right threw me, like a spirit or something. Then I looked up from my feet and saw the light from beyond the trees as it came closer and closer. Slowing my pace, I saw a place I had never seen before. There were mountains behind the small village type places and people I’ve never seen before. It was beautiful; the grass was a lot greener than I remembered.

The small villages reminded me of some old movie in the prairie or something. I didn’t see a single old person. There were small children running around in circles laughing so hard; it was hard not to laugh with them. I was still far away from them; no one had noticed my arrival. Then it hit me, the question. “Where am I?” I thought. I turned back to the way I came and it was just a forest. I ran farther and farther, deeper and deeper, but it was still the same forest that I had seen after the strange feeling came over me. I started back.

Out of breath, I saw a boy stare at me. He started toward me.

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
borntoshop
Review

Hey! I told you i would review your story! :) And here i am...

Okay first off, good start! You really captured the way a child would be torn between two parents when they divorce. I think maybe you should expand on a few things though, maybe describe the characters and setting more, and not have so much dialogue. Because sometime that can get a bit boring, if it's all he said, she said...

Go back through and read it aloud to yourself, i find that, that helps me...ALOT!

I'm really sorry, i'm going to have to cut this short. Remind me to review it better later. Promise i will.
Born
xx

Hey there Justismarez,

I'm Tanya, here for a review. Now, I'd like to warn you in advance - this isn't going to be pretty but it should be helpful.

I sat there and listened to my dog slobber over a chip I had given her. In the other room, I could hear my parents fighting like cats ‘n’ dogs. Not wanting to listen to my dog nor my parents, I grabbed my head phones off of my old nightstand and plugged my outdated MP3 player in.
Okay. Um, first thing's first. WHen you said the 'dog slobbered' I really thought you meant that she was drooling on it. If yes, you couldn't hear drool dripping onto a chip. Maybe you could say 'chomping' or 'or devouring' or even say ' the sound of her tear cracking the crispy chip' or something. Also, you say that the parents fight like cats and dogs, and mention the dog again. Way too repetitive, my friend. Try finding another simile for the cat 'n' dogs thing, it's way too cliché.

“Why is my dad even here?” I thought.
Thoughts are usually displayed in italic.

There fighting is what got them divorced.”
Their

I said under my breath and eased my eyelids shut, when my dad came in. His forehead was wrinkled with worry lines. He shut the door behind him and came to sit on my dark blue sheeted bed.
Okay, if she eased her eyelids shut, how could she see his worry lines and him closing the door?

Before he could say anything else I cut in and said, “I would rather live with you, dad.” I heard my mom slowly walking from outside the door – the floor boards creaked. I didn’t care if she heard me. “Mom drives me crazy and she’s not as much fun as you are.” I made an attempt at smiling.
Wow, this is harsh. I've gotten into fights with my Mom, but I never went out of my way to hurt her feelings. What has she gone through to treat her mother like this?

Wait,” He touched my arm. “It’s not my day.
You might like to brush up on your dialogue punctiation rules. It should be written like this , "Wait." He touched my arm. "It's not my day." Because 'he touched my arm' doesn't modify the way he says 'wait'. Check out the help tabs on this website, there's plenty of help there.

I heard a noise from the downstairs kitchen. Running down the stairs, I saw my mom sitting on the counter with a cup of hot chocolate.
I would rethink this. Adults spent their time telling their children to get off counters and act appropriately. Would your own mom sit on the counter? Maybe, but most wouldn't. Make her sit at the table, or lean against the counter staring outside, you know?

“It’s not his day.” She told me. “He can’t just show up – without telling anyone - and take you away.”
Perfect example of the punctiation. It should be 'it's not his day," she told me. She would not be capitalised because it's in the same sentence.

“But he didn’t! He left you a message. Check your phone!”
There's no way she knew her father left a message on the phone! Yes, he said he left a message but it could have been an email. Now maybe YOU know that they don't have email, but WE don't and what's important is that you don't confuse your readers.

Turning back to me she said, “I guess he did.” There was a moment of silence as I waited. “No, it can wait until tomorrow.”
Is there a reason her mother is being so unreasonable? Is this out of character for her? If yes, you should mention this. If not, mention it also. Maybe Alyssa could cry out, "Why are you always being so stubborn!" because otherwise, if her mother is acting out of character, shouldn't she be worried?

Okay, enough for now lol. Look, regardless of how this might sound, I find your story intriguing. If I didn't, I wouldn't be reviewing, believe me.

I do believe your chapter is going way too fast. Maybe you started it too late. Maybe you haven't defined your own characters to yourself. But right now, Alyssa is just a spoiled, tempermental teenager. Her mother is typical furious banshee and her father is spineless. That's my opinions of them. You did not make me like the characters one bit, not any of them, and you're going to have to rectify this with a few scenes maybe before or after. I firmly believe in starting a story quickly, but this is too fast, like watching a movie on fast-forward.

For example, she runs out of the house and they call the cops? Here, cops aren't that quick, but for her they speed by before she's even made it to the neighbour's backyard. Then she makes it to the grocery store and she's already in the news? No way. THis isn't a kidnapping, it's a 15 year old with a temper tantrum.

Why doesn't her best friend try to calm her down. Why does she have to explain to her that her father has only visitation rights? If she's her best friend, she already knows this! If you're trying to trickle info to us, it's not done in a believable way. You're throwing info at us left right and center and we're not sure how to process it. Like the bit about the forest being haunted or something. Where'd that come out of? Of course, I'd rightly assumed that she'd somehow get lost in them but . . . Yeah.

This story has great potential but what I suggest you do is sit down and make an outline. Go through the steps of your story before rewriting it. Help us like the characters and not just shrug off the story and the characters.

I really hope this helps, it's only constructive critism and please pm me once it's rewritten, I'd love to see what you can do with it.

Tanya

User avatar
eab10
Review
eab10 wrote a review · Tue Jun 01, 2010 6:32 am

You were right, I do wonder what happens next. I can't wait to read what happens! Anyway, I saw a few little things.

JustisMarez wrote:They pasted me and went for my house;

I think pasted is just supposed to be past. Pasted is the past tense form of the verb to paste. I don't think the cops were gluing her. You used pasted instead of past a lot, so you might want to check up on that.
JustisMarez wrote:“Thanks.” Ashley said taking the small sack with our items and stuffed the reseat into the bag.

reseat is spelled receipt.
reseat would mean to seat something again, but I don't think reseat is even a word, so yeah.

Anyway, other than those few things, it was extremely good. I can't wait to read more!

-Emily



Remember: the plot is nothing more than footprints left in the snow after your characters have run by on their way to incredible destinations.
— Ray Bradbury