As the sun rose in the east the following day, a massive storm was raging westward. Streaks of blue and white lightning crackled in the dark veil that muddled the azure sky above. Thunder roared above the plains as sheets of rain plummeted to the earth below. Winds howled through the thin trees, uprooting those that did not yet have a strong foundation. The storm was quickly traversing its way eastward, leaving devastation in its wake wherever it went. Herds of stalanders could be seen galloping towards caves in the rolling hills, striving to avoid the powerful gales of wind. The land had become so desolate in the recent decades that none of the rainwater could be absorbed by the earth. Micro rivers formed in the cracks of the surface, quickly pooling into the floods above. The dark waters coursed over the dry landscape, rolling down the dry hills and swallowing everything that was drowned in the shallow depths.
As the storm continued its trek towards the east, the glowing shadow of the devastated castle came into view past the rolling hills. The glow was much fainter than the night before, the fires burning themselves out with the lack of remaining fuel. As the tempest was closing in at a rapid speed, atop the castle, Zeracia was just beginning to regain consciousness. Her muscles were rigid and sore, her strength providing minimal movement as she struggled to her feet. Her vision was blurred and everything beyond a few feet in front of her muddled together. Although she couldn’t see all that much, her vision was keen enough that she could tell that the sky beyond the horizon was bringing in a dark gloom. She immediately fell to her knees and vigorously rubbed her eyes. The pain caused tears to run through her fingers and eventually it was met with a slight bit of blood.
The winds began to whirl around her and the screeching on the wind was overwhelmingly deafening. She screamed in agony as the monsoon suddenly appeared overhead, pelting her with ice cold rain. Her vision cleared up almost immediately and the cold sent a sudden rush of energy into her body. She frantically searched the castle roof for any shelter and saw that about thirty yards away that there were large stones that had fallen leaving a small crevice large enough for someone to crouch in. She sprinted towards the makeshift structure, but was caught off guard when she realized she couldn’t run anywhere near as swiftly as before. As her run continued she reached down to her neck and was overcome with grief as the memories of the night before rushed into her mind. More tears stung her eyes as the salt mixed with the fresh rain cleansing her face.
Zeracia reached her destination and hugged her knees close to her chest. Although she was alone, Zeracia was relieved that the howling wind was drowning out her sobs. Tremors quickly overtook her body as she sat there, nothing left to live for.
A few stories below, a torrential flood was sweeping its way across the castle floors. White water splashed against the fallen stones, the intensity of the surge growing every second that passed. As the waters reached the foot of the staircase, a subtle movement could be seen crawling its way up the stairs. A faint, blue glow outlined what seemed to be a living corpse. The broken body was stretching its arms up the steps, pulling its weight with every ounce of strength it could muster.
As Zilis continued to struggle up the stairway, a stream of blood was running down behind him. The torn flesh at the base of his right knee was writhing around, trying to find any way of mending together. The cartilage eventually clung onto a stump of bone that was beginning to extend beyond the ever growing skin. Muscles began to wrap around the opaque bone, his leg now provided with a means of support. As the healing process reached towards his ankle, a loud snap could be heard over the raging waters as his foot began to reform.
His left arm burned as the bones fused back together while reaching for the next stair. He screamed in agony as his jaw swung into place, a lone molar breaking upon the forceful impact. The crack in its foundation was quickly filled in with fresh enamel.
By the time Zilis was three steps down from the peak of the stairway, full strength had returned to his body and he was able to force his way to his feet. He walked the rest of the way up, and with a sense of triumph entering his being, he let out a raw battle cry.
The storm above rinsed Zilis of the blood that had stained his armor. The scent, however, seemed to grow even stronger as if wafted from his hair into his flaring nostrils. His blue eyes glowed with bitter anger as he stood there, his shoulders rising and falling with his heavy breath. Surrounding him, a thick mist swirled around as the sun broke through the clouds and began to heat the raging waters.
On the roof, Zeracia wiped her tears and emerged from her hiding place. The rain had now ceased, and a bright, double layered rainbow streaked across the sky. A faint smile touched her ruby lips. “Maybe there are still some things left to live for,” Zeracia thought to herself. She fell to her knees and gave her thanks to the gods for another day of life. Her bliss, although, was very short lived. Fear entered her heart as she once again remembered the loss of her amulet. Fear turned into utter horror as her thoughts turned to Zilis. She was unsure of what had happened after her amulet was destroyed, but by the fact that she remained on the castle roof and Necrotus was gone, she had little hope that Zilis had fared any better.
She darted her eyes around frantically, hoping to see any sign of life. She quickly caught a glimpse of the chasm that had appeared while she was unconscious. She sprinted towards the fissure and peeked her head over, tightly gripping the edge, her hands white knuckling with the amount of force required to do so. Although he looked no larger than a rabbit from Zeracia’s perspective, she could see that Zilis was sitting at the top of a staircase, his head hung low and his shoulders slumped forward. Even from about seven stories above him, Zeracia could feel the pain and disappointment emanating from Zilis. She carefully got back to her feet and made her way to the doorway they had entered the roof from and began her descent to the bottom of the stairwell.
Zilis looked up as he heard Zeracia’s footsteps descending to his right. “What did I miss while I was blacked out? Where is Necrotus and why didn’t he kill us before disappearing?” Zilis let out a grunt followed by a crazed laugh.
“I’ve been wondering the same thing since I woke up in shambles. I assume he left me for dead, but I’m intrigued to think that he left you while you are defenseless. Especially when I witnessed the destruction of your amulet.” At the mention of the loss of her amulet, her expression became more sullen. She placed a hand on her neck and rubbed where the amulet had once pressed against her skin.
“Zilis, I’m not sure how much time this will leave me with. I can already feel the final scraps of the gods’ power leaving my body. I fear I don’t have much time left on this mortal plane.” Zilis could sense the serious tone in her voice and was quick to get on his feet.
“If you truly believe you only have a short time to live, we need to make our way to the village of elders. Maybe they can replace your amulet or put an end to whatever is scaring you.” Panic was creeping into Zilis’s voice. He was unsure why this meant so much to him. Perhaps it was because Zeracia had become such a major person in his life up to this point. More likely though, it was the fact that she was beside him when they survived their recent near death experience.
“I will do whatever I must, but I feel that I may not make it to the elders. It’s a three week journey on foot, and that was while I had my powers. It’ll take at least a month to reach them in my ailing condition. I may not look any different than I did yesterday, but time will catch up with me in the coming days.”
“It’s settled then. We will travel to the elders and I will do whatever it takes to keep you breathing.” Zilis’s decision captivated Zeracia. She had not expected so much compassion from him. They had only known each other for a few decades, which was only a speck of time in the life of their kind, and most of that time was spent away from each other.
“I’m with you to the end,” Zeracia choked out, tears brimming the corners of her eyes. With that, the two waded through the flooded castle halls, and once again stepped into the outside world.
The sun had dried up any excess water that had overrun the earth, dried and cracked dirt once again overtaking the bland landscape. A reddish-orange hue permeated the air, masking anything beyond a sight of about fifty feet. Zilis and Zeracia had to raise their arms in front of their faces to shield themselves from the sunlight that reflected off of the dust that whirled around them. Sweat beaded from their brows as the temperature was quickly rising, the partially charred landscape emanating some extra heat. There were no signs of life, only desolation stretched even beyond the horizon.
The rugged terrain proved to be strenuous for Zilis and his bare right leg. Jagged rocks pricked the soles of his feet, leaving a faint trail of blood as his foot constantly healed itself. They had been walking through the barren landscape for nearly three hours when they saw the first signs of any mortal life. A small mouse scurried out of its burrow and scampered across Zilis’s feet. Not even five feet later the mouse found another hole and disappeared inside, never to be seen by them again.
“You know, I never realized the beauty that could come from so much destruction,” Zeracia said to break the silence. “I mean, if you think only about the pain that could have come from these fires, or from the damage inflicted by Necrotus, negativity will crawl into your life. Negativity is the deadliest poison.” Zilis didn’t really expect a life lesson right now, but he politely agreed and chimed in with some words of his own.
“I understand your whole idea of negativity and how it impacts us, but how do you explain the circumstances that pure evil can put us in? What about all the innocent people who die, leaving their families bitter and alone?” Zeracia was struck dumb by his rebuttal. She had considered the implications, but they sounded much more sinister when put into words.
“I guess you could just consider it the will of the gods. Anything that happens in Glassacre, good or bad, must be judged as necessary by our creators. They are all knowing and all powerful, therefore, it must be in their infinite wisdom that all comes to be.”
As Zilis mumbled to himself and cursed the gods for the situations they had been put in, a low rumbling had begun to creep its way to the surface beneath his feet. Pebbles began to rise and fall at a rapid pace, the shifting of the earth making them uneasy on their feet. As Zilis and Zeracia looked at each other in utter panic, the trembling of the earth suddenly stopped. Confusion lined their faces and the creases in their foreheads became increasingly visible.
“Must have been an earthquake,” Zilis said assertively. Zeracia was not confident with his quick assumption, but she had no better explanation to give. She just shrugged it off and started walking in their previously designated path. No more than four seconds had passed on their resumed journey when the earth began to shake more violently than before. Looks of terror passed between Zilis and Zeracia.
As the tremors continued to intensify, large fissures began to appear about ten yards away from Zilis and Zeracia. The earth began to cave in, the expanding crevices coming together to form a massive crater. The upheaval came to another abrupt stop and the dust began to settle. An eerie silence ensued for a long moment. Zilis let out a long winded sigh, waiting for the next earthquake to begin.
From the bottoms of the abyss, a long, waxy black leg emerged and planted itself five feet beyond the crater walls. A second and then a third leg followed suit. More limbs streamed from the darkness until eight black poles settled into the earth. Spasms racked the appendages as they dug further into the ground and gave lift to the creature they were attached to. A low buzzing began to reverberate in the air. The static in their ears grew louder as Zilis and Zeracia witnessed an enormous, gray mass rise from the chasm, its large wings fluttering at near supersonic speeds. From the abdomen of the creature, a limp, black segmented tail dangled above the hole, the telson dripping with poison at the tip. The thorax, about half the size of the abdomen, was coated in a light, gray fur. The translucent wings sprouted from the pedicle that held the body of the creature together. A disproportionately small head squirmed at the base of the thorax. Twelve unblinking eyes looked down upon Zilis and Zeracia. The creature reached more than forty feet in height and was nearly twenty feet in length.
They stood there paralyzed with wonder and fear as their gazes fell upon the jaws of the arachnid. Oozing from the labrum was a thick, green acid that boiled when it fell to the ground. Large fang hung out from the labium, giving the creature a large underbite.
“Skives are not supposed to be in this part of Glassacre,” Zeracia said with a mortified expression. “Last I had heard, the final group of their species lived in the southern jungles near Maliza.”
“I don’t care where they’re from. How do we kill this thing?” Zilis asked, already unsheathing his sword.
Zeracia had no time to respond before the dead eyes of the skive seemed to narrow on the beaten pair. It zipped towards them, its rapid wings whirring up a storm of dust. Zilis and Zeracia attempted to cover their eyes, but were instantly blinded by granules that polluted the air around them. They screamed out in pain, wiping the salty tears from their eyes. Through blurred and dotted vision, Zilis could somewhat make out a black shape as the skive circled its prey.
As Zilis’s vision began to become more clear, a black tendril emerged from the cloud of dust and struck Zilis in his sternum. Clutching at his chest, Zilis plummeted to the ground, his sword wedging into the earth beside him.
Zeracia attempted to catch him, but her legs were swept out from under her by the skive’s swift tail. She quickly got to her knees and crawled to his side. They grabbed onto one another’s arms and lifted each other back to their feet. Zeracia’s eyes suddenly went white as she was lifted above Zilis for a split second. Zilis could see a black appendage prick Zeracia in the back, bypassing the armor that she wore, and just as quickly as she was stabbed, the telson of the skive retreated back into the chalky haze.
Patches of black and red obscured Zeracia’s vision. Stumbling back and forth, Zeracia fought to stay upright. She fell to the ground and clenched the dirt in a white knuckled fist.
Everything around her seemed to be moving in slow motion. She could see Zilis screaming out to her, but his screams were muffled in her ears. He was now slashing at the skive’s tail with his sword, spurts of green blood falling in droplets to the earth. Zeracia clashed with her body as she attempted to will herself back to her feet. She let out a deep groan as her legs went completely limp. As the skive emerged from the sandstorm to face Zilis head on, Zeracia shed a single tear as she lost consciousness.
The bright sun illuminated the greenery around her as Zeracia awoke and returned to her senses. Thin blades of grass tickled her nostrils as she rose up to inspect the new landscape. She wasn’t sure how she had gotten there, nor even where she was for that matter. The last thing that she remembered was seeing Zilis risk his life to protect her in the desert. Now, she was in some unknown field overrun by lavish plant life. She bent down and knelt in the meadow, feeling the soft skimming of the brush beneath. She realized at that moment that she was no longer in her plated armor.
Rather than being dressed for battle, a long white dress clothed her body. A thick, woven leather belt was girded around her slender waist. A faded, gold circlet was placed lightly upon her brow. She brushed her fingers through her hair and turned toward the breeze that flowed around her. A faint aroma wafted into her nostrils, a sense of calm overtaking her.
About ten feet to her left, the light trickle of a slow moving stream was audible. She crawled over to the water, reaching her cupped hands into the ice cold liquid, and took a long drink. As she wiped the excess water from her face, she noticed a very young girl doing the exact same thing a few yards away. She quickly rose to her feet and walked over to the child. The girl was garbed in a bright yellow dress with floral patterns knitted into the soft fabric. Dark, mud-colored hair crowned her head with natural beauty. Her light skin seemed to reflect the sunlight that illuminated the world surrounding them. To protect herself from the unknowns of the ground beneath her, a pair of rustic, cork sandals comfortably housed her small feet.
“Where am I?” Zeracia asked. “How did I get here?” The young girl paid no attention to Zeracia and continued drinking from the stream. “Can you hear me? What am I doing here?” As she battered the young girl with unanswered questions, Zeracia could feel immense anger boiling up inside her. Her pointed ears began to burn and a bright red rushed into her face. Once Zeracia was about ready to begin shouting at the little girl, she looked up towards Zeracia with a heartwarming smile, her gaze setting up Zeracia’s deep emerald eyes.
All of Zeracia’s anger washed away and she reached down to touch the child’s cheek. “Who are you, miss?” the young girl asked. “I’ve never seen you before and I know everyone in my kingdom. Papa always makes sure that I say hello to his sires and servants, as well as all the village folk. I know them all by name and I rehearse them every morning. Papa says if I can learn the names of everyone in our small kingdom, someday I’m going to be an amazing queen.”
“My name is Zeracia. I don’t know a lot about myself, not even enough to give a proper introduction, but I belong to the order of the Viross, or at least I did. The Viross granted me with an amulet that gave me extraordinary abilities to protect the land of Glassacre. I lost my amulet while fighting a terrible evil. I was on a quest to claim a new one when misfortune befell my companion and I. Soon after, I fell unconscious and woke up here. Did my friend bring me here?”
“I didn’t see anyone with you,” the young girl replied. “When I came to take a drink after playing outside for so long, I saw you taking a nap in the grass. You looked really tired and I did not want to disturb you. You looked so peaceful.”
“I appreciate the sentiment and respect you showed in allowing me to get some rest, but it’s vital that I find my friend. He’s really the only one I trust and I’m afraid he may be in danger if he didn’t accompany me.”
“My Papa may be able to help find your friend. He’s a very wise king and always wants to help people. Our castle isn’t that far from here. I can show you to him.” With that the young girl pointed towards a large structure about a mile to the north, a shadow cast over the village that lay just a bit further than the castle itself.
“I would very much like to meet your papa,” Zeracia said, smiling softly. The young girl smiled and reached her hand towards Zeracia, beckoning her to follow.
While Zeracia and the young girl made their stroll to the castle, the girl shared a bit about herself while they traveled. “I’ve lived here in the kingdom for my whole life,” the child said. “I like to come out to the fields outside the village because I learn so much about the world. Just yesterday, I watched a whole herd of stalanders run through the meadows. Papa says only the most valiant of people are graced with the presence of stalanders.”
“Not only valiant, but honorable and noble as well,” Zeracia added as the girl skipped a few paces ahead. “I’ve heard of only a few kingdoms that stalanders have decided to call their home, but only a handful of them still exist. Which kingdom am I--” Zeracia’s words caught in her mouth as she tried to communicate her question. It was as if an invisible barrier had been placed over her mouth.
The little girl then turned around to face Zeracia, a menacing grin growing from her lips. The world around her seemed to darken, a low, ominous wind rushing in to surround her. She looked down towards her feet and brushed her hair to the side, revealing an angled and pointed ear.
The child looked up and as if nothing had happened, the world suddenly reverted back to its original state. Zeracia was both horrified and confused as to what had just transpired. She knew something was definitely wrong and she was determined to find out what.
“Are you okay, miss?” the little girl asked. “You look like you’re feeling unwell. Let’s hurry to papa and the caretakers will be able to provide medicinal aid.”
Zeracia nodded and thanked the young girl. “Does she not even realize what just happened?” Zeracia thought to herself. As she tried to wrap her mind around any possible explanation for what she had witnessed, she came to the consensus that the answers must lie in the castle that was now only a moment’s walk away.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Hey there! Plume here, with a review!
I only briefly skimmed the part before this one, so forgive me if I ask any questions that were answered in the previous part!
I think you've got a compelling beginning here. This isn't my usual genre, so I'll keep that in mind as I review. That being said, I am finding the plot interesting so far. I like the premise of Zeracia and Zilis being immortals, and I like how you increased the stakes in this one! Initially, I though the main quest would be Zeracia going and seeking her immortality again, and while she still seems to be doing that, things have gone awry. I'm definitely a little suspicious of the place she's found herself; it seems like there are other forces at play there, no matter how much I want to trust the kid she met. I also really enjoyed the worldbuilding in both this part and the previous one, too! It seems quite extensive and you present it to the audience in manageable chunks. I don't feel like I've been the victim of an infodump, which is always nice!
One thing I would say is that your paragraphs tend to be quite long and clogged with descriptions. There's nothing wrong with setting the scene, but it can easily get overwhelming and become less engaging for the readers. I'd recommend going through and thinking about what pieces of description feel necessary to the story and which things you can probably leave out, which can help whittle it down to the best things. For example, in your first paragraph, you have a lot about the storm. It seems to me that your main point here is just that it was a strong storm; I personally would pare it down so it looks something more like this:
See how streamlined that is? I think you could even stand to cut a bit more, but I wanted to leave in details in case they became relevant later.
Overall: interesting work here! I think with some revisions to make the text and pacing flow better could really elevate this story and help to showcase the great plot and worldbuilding you have! I hope to read more soon; until next time!
Hiya! Sorry for taking so long to review.
So the first thing! In the first chapter, i was under the impression that Ze and Zill died. This was probably intentional, and it was an effective fake out, but in this chapter it was slightly clunkily handled. After the intro, Ze was just Being Alive (not very well, apparently lol) but she just 'woke up', the fake out wasn't continued through into this chapter. Even for just a paragraph, this gave it a slight bit of dissonance. I'm not sure if this would be helped if I had read the chapters back to back. Most of the issues I noticed last time are fixed, the descriptions are great and I am interested in the story. For titles i would sugjest putting a CHP 2 in the title, or CHP 3 for the next one, because someone might click on this thinking it is a CHP 1. umm...
This review is a bit shorter than my average ones but since I mostly spend 1k words just talking about formatting issues, and you didn't have many, it just sort of happened that way- Im looking forward to reading more of this series!
-Hope