"Mhmhmm no not yeeeet arghhh".
I say as I slowly start waking up, turning and tossing in my bed. Obviously my alarm clock simply doesn't care that I don't want to wake up on a Monday morning to go to school, so it rings and rings and rings until I finally get up, make my way across the room and turn it off. Great. School. I think to myself. So I start my usual morning routine and turn on my spotify playlist on my phone. I sit down and look at myself in the mirror when "Confident" by Demi Lovato starts playing. I stare at the mirror and try to relax.
"Winter, you have everything you ever wanted, you're rich , popular, hot and dating a jock. You're the indisputable IT girl." But as I say that an unusual feeling makes me a bit uneasy. What if being popular isn't enough, what if I want real friends and a family that actually wants to know what i want and what I feel for change. Instead, they just throw their money at me and tell me to buy whatever I want. Great.
I can't believe it ! I'm complaining ! Half the girls at school dream to be me !!
"Winter ! Get a grip ! Your life is perfect !"
I tell myself. I take a deep breath and straighten my hair. I open my drawer, get out my mascara and start applying it to my eyelashes.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey justateenagewriter!
Wow! This is an interesting concept! I like how you're trying to make a more relatable human being out of the cliche rich girl trope. I like how you humanize them, and give them insecurities.
I love the title, which is pretty much like clickbait. I think it's really interesting; "My name is Winter, I'm popular but I don't think I want to be. (Prologue)"
There were a few errors here and there:
You don't need all those spaces. I think it should be more like ""Winter! Get a grip! Your life is perfect!" I tell myself.
I like this part, which, like I said before, really humanizes them:
I also like the ending:
On the whole, it seems like the story will be an interesting read. Can't wait to read the next chapter.
Keep writing. <33
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!!
First Impression: Well, this was quite an intriguing little prologue that we have here. There's certainly a very interesting character that's established here and it seems like it would be quite an interesting plot to see her work towards that goal she mentions.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...well, seems like quite a standard start that one. Certainly a relatable one at any rate there, which them being too lazy to really get to school on Monday, and the touch of humor about the alarm clock not understanding that is also a neat little addition there. And well, that line line does seem to be trying to tell us that something more may be going on here, or perhaps I'm reading too much into that one there...we shall see I suppose.
Okay...well, that is the first sign that things aren't particularly great here...the first feels like its a bit on the expositiony side, but i suppose it does make a decent amount of sense for someone to say something like that if they are in fact properly fed up about a situation like that. And then the contrast created by the last part and showing how she's not truly happy with the current situation is certainly a pretty interesting direction for this to go in. Certainl is establishing a pretty intriguing character here at any rate.
Well, that's not the best sort of thing to have to first thing every morning before going to school there. This certainly does make for a very intriguing prologue here at any rate. It looks like we've got ourselves a main character that is trapped in a role they don't want to be but is talking herself into continuing to be the person most of the rest of the world expects her to be. Well, certainly could make for a pretty cool story this one.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, a pretty solid start that we've got right here. I would probably read on after seeing this one as the prologue. Anyway, that's about all I've gotta say for now.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Okay, the title was the thing that really intriuged me here, this is Atsmai here for a review!
First off, okay, your character is the cliche rich girl, is this on purpose?
Now, let's go into what I think this could be. I like this idea. You could make your character become the most invisible girl in school or something, but people will still bother her. I can't really get a grip, like others have said, on the story since this chapter was so short.
The other thing, is that this feels like tv dialogue rich girl. Not actual rich girl. This is the cliche rich girl that thinks she's better than everyone else on the tv but turns out to lose in whatever situation eventually. The whole narrative feels very not /real/ or not down to earth. So maybe you should try and focus on the voice of the writing, or you could be doing this on purpose, I don't know.
So, my overall opinion is that it has great potential, but I haven't seen enough of it to decide anything else.
Have a great day!
Hello, I am here to review.
So this was a short but efficient way to start your story. The reader can immediately see a Man vs. Himself (or in this case, Girl vs. Herself) conflict start to unravel. I wonder what will happen next, and maybe a little more context could be useful in this story to hook the reader a little bit more.
Then, the title. It's long, and it's not what a normal title looks like, so it catches the reader's attention. But having punctuation in a title does not feel right, unless you are writing something more free like poetry. Of course, this is your choice only, but I'm just suggesting to change the title a bit. Also, I'd say that you should tell the reader what part of your novel this is. You say it is a chapter, but which one? Reading this, and judging by the length, I am guessing this is the prologue, but there is really no way to know.
There is also your grammar. Now, this was probably not done on purpose, but you capitalize random words such as school and you do not capitalize some words that should be. For example, all days of the week are capitalized, so your sentence should say:
When you write the name of a song, movie, or book title, you usually write it in quotation marks:
The last sentence in the third paragraph is a question, so you should end it with a question mark.
You also made some grammar mistakes with homophones, which should be corrected:
Apart from that, it is a good beginning to your story, so keep on writing!
Hi !
Thanks for your tips, it always helps to get an honest opinion !
So i will try changing the title to something more fluid (I realize now that adding punctuation was a bold choice).
As for the chapter, I will definitely let people know what part of the story Im writing from now on.
(This may sound as if im trying to justify my errors but I'm just trying to explain them)
The thing is, I live in France and I have for the past 8 years, I used to live in the US, but now that I don't I have to admit my grammar is a bit rusty..
I wrote this on my phone and since it only knows french words a lot of the time it would correct what I was writing, for example the reason school is marked with a capital S is because my phone corrected it to School, and when I edited the text, I didn't realize it !
Thanks for your advice, I will try editing the story to make it sound a bit better !
Hi! I'm here to review your work!
#BF4080 ">Plot and Pace
Since this is such a short chapter it was hard to get a feel for your character. Also I felt the pace was really fast and I found myself confused. I don't quite understand the conflict and I didn't get hooked to find out what happens next. I found myself wondering "so what?" after reading the last sentence.
#BF4080 ">Grammar and Weird Sentences
Spoiler
Spoiler
Spoiler
#BF4080 ">Characters
I didn't really get a feel for Winter which is not good for your first chapter.
#BF4080 ">Praise
This is good for your first story.
First of all, I just want to say I'm really happy to have gotten an impression so fast !
And frankly, I agree with a lot of the things you say and I am trying to deal with it.
I will take in as much as I can from your tips !
So, I definitely have a problem with going to fast into the story as well as writing sentences that are too long and don't make sense. I think the problem is that I tend to write in the same way that I speak, which causes some phrases to sound a bit confusing..
I will try yo work on it !
Thank you so much !
Your welcome! If you have any more questions or need any more reviews just ask me
Sure ! I will keep that in mind !
Thank you for being so helpful !
Your welcome