Young Writers Society

I love this poem purely for the genuine emotions you're writing with. Your use of metaphors to illustrate your point is marvelous. "But after that day, the apples have never been so sour." I really like this line, as I feel it gives intense imagery which the reader can easily relate to. My favorite line was, "Spreading your cold grey ashes under the thin layer of earth surrounding your favorite white roses." The details and dark imagery this line conjures up were something special. Keep writing, you're doing a swell job!

The poem is really cute

It's good that you posted your awesome work for the first time in this site Welcome! Welcome! Welcome.

Now, I have been reading a lot of poems---had a poetry class---well, basically, I am a Literature student, so yeah. I can be harsh on criticizing someone's work, though. But I don't wanna do it to someone who is still a beginner

Although, this poem amazes me. I love the concept. I can get that feeling of flashbacks from the persona. I love everything in this poem.

This is my favorite:

Going on long trips with you,
in places I only dreamed of during my sleep
But after that day
the only thing I dream of is you

There is sadness but I like the sound of it

Next is the structure,

In the second line of the first stanza, first line of the second stanza, and the first line of the last stanza---it's actually long, you can just cut it in half and then put it on the next line.

Like this:

"Spreading your cold grey ashes under the thin layer of earth surrounding your favorite white roses"

You can do this:

"Spreading your cold grey ashes
Under the thin layer of earth
Surrounding your favorite white roses."

Just like that

But at the least the poem is actually good and I really love it Good job on your first post! Hope to read more of your poems soon

Hi

Your language is very poetic in many instances and of course this is structured like a poem because of the stanzas, etc. But, this seems like it is not really a poem. Sure, you're descriptive with your places, things, etc, but the way things unfold is much to narratological. You have no ambiguity in the "poem" (ambiguity is good), everything is too much of a straightforward plot. And the plot is also too obvious! There is no /real/ poeticism in this piece; there seems not to be a whole lot of meaning other than what the plot is itself.

For example, there is a difference between saying that "the sun went down, and after I returned home" to "like an axe swung, it fell; and cut my curfew short". The first is dry and narratological and there is no meaning in anything other than the strict A-B-C-D event layout. In the second, there is something very important (other than the obvious change of words): METAPHOR. The way to embed meaning in everyday events and experiences is with METAPHOR.

Lemons

Hello! This is very well written, and the feeling of loss present in this poem is strong and dramatic. One thing you could change involves the anaphora: for one, I enjoy how each stanza starts out as a sort of semi-anaphora already, each first line something you remember doing with the subject of the poem. If you wanted to, you could begin each stanza with "I remember" as well, or maybe some other variant. The pacing in the lines is a bit off; try shortening them to keep up with consistency and flow. All in all, this is a wonderful poem.

Ello hello there mate :3 I see you are new so first of all: Welcome
Now now, I'm here to review this little poem of yours. Let's begin shall we?

I really like that this poem feels alive, you managed to get all the emotion into words. The way you reflect the lost of a loved one (spouse I suppose) feels very emphatic so kuddos I also like how you repeat the phrase "But after that day" in each stanza, it gives each of the former force and connects them to the main emotions of the poem which (imo) are nostalgia, sadness, and regret.

Things I think would need to be changed/revised? Well, I noticed how the second verse of the first stanza, first verse of the second stanza, and first verse of the final stanza are all a little bit too long. They feel tacky and unnatural because of that. Since poetry is all about economy, emotions, and metaphors; it just feels out of place.

Overall it's a very good piece, economy could be improved.
Keep writing

This poem is very deep, and is just overall emotional. What I got from it, the main character is having sad feelings and is missing a now dead friend. I complement you on making the poem emotional and allowing it to have feeling. Keep writing stuff like this, it really portrays the struggle of losing someone close to you.

Hey! (This is my first review, so no judging if I don't do this right )

First, the difference in the length of some of your lines is huge. The whole poem would flow a lot better if you would shorten those lines. You might even consider breaking the lines up and making each stanza longer if you really need the whole line. Otherwise, I would condense the longer lines to just give the essence of what you are saying.

Another thing that is affecting the flow of the poem is the difference in the length of the stanzas. Poetry tends to flow smoother off the tongue if the stanzas are uniform in length.

Other than that, I enjoyed reading the poem, and the concept of the poem is excellently sound and displayed beautifully in the words of the poem.

Keep writing!

Shattered Spring

I like the imagery in this poem, but I kind of agree with the pervious reviewer. A lot of your long lines can be shortened, like
"Going on long walks in the woods and smell that fresh scent of nature" could become
"Long walks in the woods, smelling nature." I mean, I like your word choice and such, but some of your stanzas are so long.
"Climbing that tree in front of your house and trying to grab some apples" could become
"Climbing your tree to try and grab apples."

I suppose you could leave it, though, as a stylistic decision if you wanted to. It kind of interferes with the flow. Your grammar, spelling and diction is good.

Welcome to YWS!

it's awtbeyders here b0ss. Let's dissect.

Disclaimer: Take everything I say with a grain of salt. Also, I apologize if I sound very harsh in my review. It's just me, no hard feelings. You do you.

First two lines in, and I see a line the goes way past the rest. I understand, it's your style, but what in the world is this? Hello? You're writing a quatrain poem, not a novel, and you have to remember that.

The beautiful thing about poetry is that you can say so much with just a few words, but your poem doesn't really show much of that. Just remember, just one line can explain a dark past or a reveal a bright future. Make every word in your poem count.

Now, let's get right into the poem.


First stanza:

"Going on long walks in the woods near your house and smell that fresh smell of nature and wet plants"

Please read this aloud and tell me if you don't feel anything wrong, awkward or redundant. You shouldn't use "smell" twice, and you don't need to point out wet plants if you already described the fresh smell of nature and vice-versa. Also, don't you think "going on long walks in the woods near your house" is a little bit too much information to digest at once?

Remember, you can tell so much more with fewer words, if you use them correctly.

Also, could you step up that ending line of your first stanza? It isn't as killer or as memorable as the other last lines, and it's really generic.


Second stanza:

Come on, could you cut down that first line a bit? It's just the same as before: information overload and lack of imagery. Also, I don't see how a tree's shade could be "fresh."

Other than that, no complaints. On top of that, your ending line for the second stanza is killer and rings like a bell. Props to you.


Third stanza:

That long line again. Barf. I think we can do away with the "eating so much" part, since it doesn't add much.

Also, I think the connection with the second line and the fourth isn't as strong as it was supposed to be. I can't really put my finger on it, but it feels a little bit wrong, the connection between those lines.

One more thing, the last line is killer as well. Plus points to you.


Fourth stanza:

Gosh, this stanza would have ended the poem so well, if it wasn't for that long line. Once again, the information overload hinders and kills this very important part of the poem. Also, remember your Royal Order of Adjectives. Quality goes first before color, so it's "cold grey."

Your last line would have ended this poem very well, if it wasn't used at the beginning. It just lost its value, now that it's being repeated.


Overall:

It's not good, but it's not bad either, but it's leaning more onto the bad side for me. It's really inconsistent; the start wasn't so bad, and in the second and third stanzas, you found your footing, but it falls apart at the last and most important stanza. There are so much unnecessary stuff you can cut out as well.

You make some good imagery and killer ending lines, but you just don't realize it. Just remember, you can tell a whole saga with just a few words.

Anyways, take and apply what everyone taught and is teaching you, keep on writing, and I'll see you again. And hopefully, I'll give a much better and much more pleased review.

Hey there, and welcome to YWS! clogs here to review!

I think this poem's greatest strength is its imagery. The second-third lines of each stanza are undoubtedly the strongest, because that's where you start to tell the story using the images. It's quite well done. I do have some constructive criticism, though.

About the formatting: I think that this would be better if it were aligned to the left instead of centered. The centered style just looks very odd, especially considering the big disparity in the lengths of the lines. It actually makes it harder to read. I think it would look more natural aligned to the left.

I didn't get all that much out of the repetition of "I remember". The first one was fine, but after that it just got a little old and gimmicky. I kinda felt like you didn't need to keep telling us that you remember, since a) it's in the first line and b) it's literally in the title of the poem. Maybe find some way to remove it? I think it might make the transitions a little smoother, too.

This also applies to the repetition of the last two lines. You could probably get away with only saying it once at the end. Or maybe instead of just repeating the same old "it has not been the same without you," make the repetition specific to the images in each stanza. For example, in the second stanza, talk about how the apples taste bitter or how the shade just feels cold instead of refreshing when there's no one to share them with or something. Then it might feel more natural and less gimmicky.

A few minor, nitpicky things:

that sorrounded our whole bodies,

trying to grab some appels

grey cold ashes

what I thought was the most beautiful tree anyone could have,

Climbing that tree in front of your house and trying to grab some appels that we would later eat by the shade of what I thought was the most beautiful tree anyone could have,

Climbing that tree in front of your house, grabbing for apples to be later eaten in the shade of the most beautiful tree