Fighting Sleep
Crashing over you,
a blanket of dense quality.
It’s so hard to escape.
You have to try.
Battling the welcome feel,
trying not to sink in this ocean.
You push and shove,
regaining alertness for a second,
before finally slipping,
into sleep.
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139,468 Literary Works • 672,573 Reviews
Hello there.
) The only thing that bothers me is the flow at certain places.
Really great poem, and I like the theme. It seems like everyone do poems about love and death, and there's no other theme for these. (Don't worry, I am one of those boring people who can't find interesting subjects.
The words in red are the bit I think are a little bit weird. Fist off, the It's so hard to escape. You have to try. Feels a little bit harsh. I think you should switch it to: It is so hard to escape, but you have to try. So there's a pause, but it's not harsh for the eye, and it looks a little bit more natural.
Secondly, the Before finally slipping, into sleep. Feels really awkward. I guess there's the fact that in your first paragraph (I forgot the term for that in poetry...) has four lines, and then the second has six... So, what I recommend for this is to put the two last lines together. I think it will flow a little bit more.
Great poem, and keep writing!
-Other One
Great poem! I liked the concept of it, the only thing I thought was really wrong with it, like the above comment, its rhythm. I think if it had a good rhythm, it would have flowed more and made it easier for your audience to capture your message. Although in saying that, the 'out-of-time' rhythm agreed very well with the idea that sleep can be hard to obtain, almost like a struggle to the end result- I don't mean I struggled with reading, it just didn't flow easliy- but nonetheless, the rhythm added to the affect.
I hope I didn't sound harsh, I meant it in a nice way
MissMadHatter
Okay, first off, I like the vagueness of this poem, and it's brevity. Very mysterioso, I would say.
But, I will say it still has it's problems. The main problem I noticed was that the rhythm seemed to be off in a few places. Of course, the best way to solve this problem is to read the poem aloud to yourself, maybe stopping or pausing after each line, and deciding if flows correctly or in the fashion that you want it to. Other than that, this is still a good poem about trying not to fall asleep. I think this poem also kind of fits the season as well, being Christmas time and with all the little kids trying not to fall asleep so then they can catch a peek at Santa Clause.