Hi! This is the prelude of a novel I'm writing. Please comment! If reviews are positive, chapter one will be up soon!
Thanks xx
Prelude
When the Stars Align
Dr. Sullivan stepped into the hospital and took the corridor down to autopsy, her heels clacking on the mint-green linoleum and leaving slight dents. The five years that she had worked at the hospital still hadn’t made her accustomed to the overwhelming smell of detergent yet; she still reeled a little before entering.
On the autopsy table was a young man who couldn’t have been older than thirty. There was a gun wound in his back, but it didn’t exit through the other side. Pushing her glasses back up the bridge of her nose, she made the ‘Y’ incision in his chest quickly and precisely and located the bullet. It had jammed in his right lung and caused internal bleeding. It was murder.
After thorough inspection, she found words scribbled in black biro ink across the palm of his hand in hieroglyphs. She had had an interest in Ancient Egypt when she was in secondary school and read the words without trouble. “When the stars align, Heart shall rise again,” she whispered, but she didn’t ponder for very long; English had never been one of her stronger subjects so she hadn’t much chance of finding a hidden meaning. She’d have to ask one of her colleagues.
Then she collapsed to the floor. She could feel the blood pouring from the bullet wound in her back and spreading over her lab coat. It all happened so quickly that she hardly had any time to register the pain or what was occurring. She turned to look at her murderer. But her vision was failing her. And so was her heart.
The murderer took and pair of tweezers from where Dr. Sullivan had left them on the autopsy table and as her heart still beat, pulled the bullet from her back, taking the bullet from the first victim too. Her gasps of pain didn’t affect the murderer in the least. The culprit then took a match and set the room alight.
Running from the room, the murderer screamed, “Fire!” There was no need for any more deaths.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,016 Literary Works • 672,852 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
OKay well this is interesting, a bit of a rushed autopsy there but its a decent start. I don't know how accurate this is to real life since I don't really know much of this side of things but I think there's enough things mentioned here that to me it sounds like it could be real, there's nothing too outlandish sounding, and there's a nice sense of characterization for our doctor here so overall, a pretty solid start to proceedings here.
Uhh that bullet shot there could've been timed slightly better I think. I love the shock factor and the oddly calm way this person tries to rationalize and process what's happening even as their dying but it seems to sort of come a little out of nowhere, as in it should come out of nowhere, that's part of why this is a great move, but this one comes a little too far out of nowhere if you get what I mean. You need to sort of describe some sort of impact of pain before going straight to collapsing.
Well..that murder's very tiny scene is perhaps even more intriguing, mostly because the main character introduced so far is already dead and that's the only person we have but also because the actions they take their are certainly of the sort of that isn't completely typical for just any murdered and well it leaves you thinking. Its a very solid ending to what has been a pretty solid piece here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I agree with antara, except i quite like the part: 'It had jammed in his right lung and caused internal bleeding. It was murder'. Stepping from the technical side to the simple fact it's a good technique. I also love the way you've introduced Dr Sullivan, though i'm slightly dissapointed that she dies in the prelude :p please do carry on writing. Kudos.
This piece is really good. The only thing is that towards the end, it's confusing about who is doing what. Just a little clarification is needed there.
I like it!
Dr. Sullivan stepped into the hospital and took the corridor down to autopsy, her heels clacking on the mint-green linoleum and leaving slight dents. I really doubt that her shoes would dent the floor, and if they did and I was her, I wouldn't wear them. It just seemed like an odd description to have in there The five years that she had worked at the hospital still hadn’t made her accustomed to the overwhelming smell of detergent yet; she still reeled considering the 'a little' you might want to choose a less strong word like recoiled or shivered ect. a little before entering.
On the autopsy table was a young man who couldn’t have been older than thirty. There was a gun wound in his back, but it didn’t exit through the other side. Pushing her glasses back up the bridge of her nose, she made the ‘Y’ incision in his chest quickly and precisely and located the bullet. It had jammed in his right lung and caused internal bleeding. It was murder. obviously it's murder. that line is unnecesssarily melodramatic and not needed.
[...]
Running from the room, the murderer screamed, “Fire!” There was no need for any more deaths.
I like it! I would put a little more into her preparing to do the autopsy, because that will interest the reader. PM me when you write more!
I will crit thise later. Unfortunately, I have some business to attend to
+:)=:D