I know you will be better when I go,
and I know everything's going to be normal.
I will be lost in between planes
in between songs and in between roads,
from a distance I won't have to be your incomplete part.
I know you will be better when I go,
and I know everything is going to be normal.
In the sand I will be writing
the stupid phrase of the week;
even though you'll be far too gone to read it on this beach.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hi JustMe! June here!
Let's take a look at this!
Okie dokie! Refrain from beginning lines, especially opening lines, with a conjuction such as "and". It's not liked, and it sort of jumbles up when we try to read it, dear.
In the next stanza, you repeat the first two lines again. That's not too bad; it could create a rhythmic effect, but ask yourself when you read this aloud if this is how you want it to sound to your readers.
Also! You can't actually write "on" sand, unless you pick up a tiny grain and write on it with a microscopic pen! So, that should be "in" the sand.
And! What is this stupid phrase of the week? Is it like... something that the two people often did? Elaborate, dear! You can take this far.
We need supporting details here; details that will bring this piece to life, show us more about the people being spoken about and take us through this, through their eyes.
You're off to a good start, though! Impressive!
Keep it up, dear!
June
I really liked this. To me, it seems as if the speaker in the poem knows he'll be better but at the same time can't fully accept it. Certainly a hint of bitterness in the poem.
So, this is quite expressive. I commend you for that. Drop the AND at the beginning, conjunctions shouldn't be used to start a sentence.
The third and fourth line of the first stanza was purely amazing.
keep writing.
--Knightly
I think this last sentence should be something like: even though you'll be too far gone to read it. It needs to be a bit shorter than what you have, but a bit longer than what you'd be left with if you just cut out the beach part. If that makes any sense?
Wow, JustMe, I actually really liked this poem! The first stanza seemed a bit bland, m'dear, but the second stanza really picked up, especially the last three lines.
I do think that the two stanzas need to be connected a bit more-- right now they're like two completely unrelated poems, both decent and all, but I can't find the similar meaning between them. I can see that you are talking about leaving, but how does the leaving connect between the planes in the first stanza and the sand in the second? I think you could definately add a middle stanza, but that's entirely your choice.
If you need me to look at the edit, PM me!
~Evi