You open the door,
yeah it's her.
lying there on the floor.
Do you know why?
Because you hit her for the last time today.
She said it was over,
you told her not to leave the house.
then you pushed her to the floor.
She cried,
and you walked out the door.
But you told her not to leave.
So she didn't,
she is still there...
on the floor of your bedroom.
And do you know why?
Because you hit her for the last time today.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
This was very good! I can't zigackly crit it, but I thought the message put across was very well put.
-ST
Oooh you have made it longer
I like it more now, but still:
Sorry But i think these lines sound kind of stiff and 'heard to read', read your poem out loud, i just dont think these lines flow very well.
Other than that well done!
Meevs
x
Still as emotive as before, but much better now it's longer.
Repetition works well and the last line is great.
This line still isn't fab, but its only my opinion:
Great work,
Alainna
xxxxxx