You open the door,
yeah it's her.
lying there on the floor.
Do you know why?
Because you hit her for the last time today,
and she said she wouldn't do this anymore.
You told her not to leave the house.
So she didn't,
she is still there...
on the floor of your bedroom.
And do you know why?
Because you hit her for the last time today.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I liked this. The theme was real and well interpreted.
The repetition works well but it could be even better if it was slightly longer!!
Great work,
Alainna
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It was a little confusing at first, I had to read it a few times to really grasp the meaning, you might want to work on clearing it up, because it sounds a little jumbled for me. But that's just me.
Once I got it, I liked it, though.
I like the words, the flow and the repetition.
The poem sounded as if the person who was speaking was angry. Was that what you meant?
Cool, sad, poem. I liked it a lot.
Bye for now
Charlotte
Aimians ROCK! (Not to be associated with Anime or Aliens. We are people from Aimi, which for now is just me!)
Hmm, this is ok, but I'm not sure if i personally like it all that much. I like the repetition, that works well.
But i thin kyou could evoke a lot more emotion into this, its a strong subject and although done beofre you cuold really make this something a lot more powerful.
Keep working at it. Good luck!
Miyaviloves
If I died, I'ld want it to know beforehand. That way, I could say good bye to everyone I loved and cared for. But I guess it's good not knowing, because it forces you to live each day to the fullest.
-poetrymuse