Repeat, repeat, repeat again as long as you repeat you will never be dead and neither will your family; they will be safe too as long as you know who to listen to.
-
Obsess obsess never rest you don't get to you don't deserve it yet. No mistakes the world rests on your shoulders let's take this pebble turn it into a boulder make things seem scarier than they actually are, both from up close and afar.
-
Just remember I am your friend, I have saved your life again and again, so don't try to get rid of me. Love your best friend, OCD
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,653 Literary Works • 673,582 Reviews
Hey, Dogs here. I see you're new to YWS, welcome to our friendly community. I'm Dogsrule5, but feel free to call me Dogs. Anyway let's start with the review shall we?
Okay, so I'm not trying to be harsh, even if I sound harsh, I don't mean to be rude, I'm just trying to help you, so don't take it personally. Thanks!
So, let's start with nitpicks, (mistakes).
1. You have a really good poem here, but there are a few things wrong with it. Let's take a look.
Nitpick number 1. You wrote your poem more like paragraphs like a story, but in poems you write in stanzas. Like shown below.
As you noticed I capitalized every line in the stanza, but your supposed to do that. You don't have to put commas after every line either, I just did that for a pause.
*IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS, COMMENTS, OR CONCERNS PLEASE LET ME KNOW THANKS*
Okay let's move on.
Nitpick number 2. What you have here is a run-on sentence. In the first paragraph thing you have a run-on sentence. There are a few ways you can fix this, and that's what I'm here to help you do.
So Fix it was number 1. You could either find a place where you could put a period, and capitalize the first letter in the next word. Like this.
Notice how I dropped the end where I put the period. I did this because you can never start a sentence with and.
Okay,
Way to fix it number 2. You could use a semi-colon to separate the sentences and to put a long enough pause into your sentence. As shown below.
Notice how I put the semi-colon in a different spot than the period, this is because it makes a better pause there. A semi-colon is a period and a comma sort of together to create a longer pause, than a comma, but shorter than a period.
You may choose which way to correct this simple error, and don't worry I make this mistake all the time.
Again, please don't think I'm being rude, or making you feel stupid by me telling you many ways to fix it, I'm just trying to help you fix the mistakes we all make, and not trying to be rude, so again, please don't take this personally. Thanks.
Now back to the review!
Nitpick number 3: Again in the second paragraph you have, the second sentence is a run-on, but I won't go into detail about how to fix it. If you need to know how, just look above, when I wrote it for the first paragraph.
Then third paragraph is great, but you need some commas in there. Let me show you. Look below.
The comma's should go after friend, and the second again. So, yeah, that's about it.
I really hoped I helped you. If you have any other questions, comments, or concerns, feel free to either leave me a comment here, below my review, and reply to it, or you can also P.M me. P.M means private message.
Now, to the good part of the review...
I really enjoyed your poem, and what you have here is amazing, but everyone can improve there work with a little help from friends. So I hope you keep writing, and have fun doing it.
Keep up the great writing,
Love,
Dogs <3
Thank you!
You're welcome, also I started following you, and I hope you have a great time here in our community on YWS!
Hi there, JustGlitter! Welcome to YWS, and congratulations on your first work!
I love the rhyming structure here, it's reminiscent of a chant or a spell being woven. Very mysterious!
This line caught my eye, as both the grammatical structure and the rhythm don't seem to join together well. I'd put 'both' before 'from', so it still has the same rhythm, but it makes grammatical sense.
Another thing I'd like to point out is how you format your poems. When I first read this, it felt a little disjointed. I see what you've done - broken the poem up as if there were line breaks, but you haven't put them in. YWS doesn't allow for single line breaks - there's always a space in between - but you can format your poem like this, to make it easier to read:
For breaks between verses, a simple full stop or hyphen will do, to space them out.
Well done on this first work! Your interpretation of OCD is very interesting, I love how you've emphasised the obsession with patterns. Good luck with your writing in the future!
-Sagi
Hi!!
I love the potential of this piece! Your ability to make it flow and have rhyme is amazing! Here are a few things that might need some work:
The lack of punctuation in this line makes it a jumble to read, but it goes great with your flow, so I don't know if you should add in some commas or re-word it. I would suggest placing some commas because you have periods which are forms of punctual which give this a little structure, so might as well go all the way: "Repeat repeat repeat again as long as you repeat you will never be dead and neither will your family they will be safe too as long as you know who to listen to."
In the second line shouldn't there be three obsesses because there are three repeats in the first line?
The word rest in this line seems redundant maybe try replacing it with something similar: " No mistakes the world rests..."
Bolder is spelled boulder.
Actuly is spelled actually.
I love the idea of this poem. A mental disorder pretending to be someone's friend, what a terrific idea and way to shed light on these subjects. I was wanting to ask is this suppose to be a letter or in poem format? Can poems be laid out like this? I love the originality of that!
~Tiffany
Thank you for the review . I did 2 obsesses not 3 because when I did 3 it messed with the flow a little bit. I will work on the punctuation and spelling I wrote this poem in about 10 minutes just to get my feelings out but I will work on it. It is a letter poem I have no idea if I can do that but sometimes one must break the rules.
Love it!