Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » Narrative

E - Everyone

Astrid: the girl of the stars (Chapter 2 The Planets)

by JustGlitter


The world sits quiet, as if sighing and taking a long inhale after what seemed like forever with mankind and the noise pollution. - Tara Brown

Ok so maybe the thing I was afraid of was the most cliche thing in the world but I had a reason. No it's not the teachers with there strict words and cruel judgement,  it was not the students with there stares and insults, it was not even the work that I somehow managed 100% on. It was the fact that no matter where I went it was loud. there was always a hum of students and teachers. Working and playing the hum never stopped. It was like a ringing ear the never ceased. Nobody seemed to mind but me. I like quiet, I like stars, I like the number 3 and writing poetry but I hate noise. I think the only places where I get a brake from the noise is my bedroom and the planetarium. I loved the planetarium the twinkling stars and rotating planets where captivating and whenever I was there I felt safe. 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Stars can't shine without darkness- Unknown

The doors opened and the darkness consumed me in a snuggly bear hug kind of way. I breathed in the air and looked up at the stars. A sense of calm came over me and my shoulders relaxed. My fingers grazed over the seats and I closed my eyes. the rough feeling and the stars complemented each other perfectly. My gaze shifted to the corner where a shadowy figure was standing. He looks about my age. I swallowed my fear that was already circling my head like a hurricane. I slowly walked over.  "Hi my name is Astrid" I said.  "Hello Astrid my name is Finn" 

So I guess something happened this chapter? I do know where this is going but it is a little slowish. Next chapter I hope will be out in the next few weeks as long as I have time to write and edit and write reviews and all the stuff I do on here. Ok bye!~JustGlitter 


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
1210 Reviews


Points: 29861
Reviews: 1210

Donate
Mon Mar 21, 2016 1:49 am
niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there JustGlitter! Niteowl here to review the second chapter.

So I do like the character you've created, and I think you're doing a good job with her. I'm intrigued that you're bringing a new character in the story, though we don't see much of him yet. However, their introduction does feel a little...unnatural. Like who just walks up to shadowy figures and says their name with no lead-up or anything? And she just goes to the planetarium by herself? She's reading a little young for that to me.

Some grammar things I'd like to address:
1) Dialogue: Start a new line every time a new character speaks.
2) There vs. their vs. they're. There is the opposite of here. Their is the possessive (e.g. "their stares and insults")
3) Where vs. were--sometimes you use "where" when you mean "were" (the past tense of are).
4) "brake" should be "break"
5)

It was like a ringing ear that never ceased.

6)
I loved the planetarium the twinkling stars and rotating planets where captivating and whenever I was there I felt safe.


This is a run-on sentence. I know you said to the previous reviewer that the character is young, but she uses "complemented" correctly in a sentence. I think her grammar and spelling would be similarly good. Plus the bad grammar and spelling is more of a distraction than anything.

Overall, I think you have some good description and a decent main character, but I would work on the grammar and sentence structure. Keep writing! :D




JustGlitter says...


yeah I know my grammar is really bad I will try to fix it :). the reason she is allowed to go to the planetarium by herself will be revealed in another chapter. Thank you for reviewing!



User avatar
718 Reviews


Points: 14255
Reviews: 718

Donate
Sun Mar 20, 2016 4:29 am
CaptainJack wrote a review...



Hey there JustGlitter. It is just I, lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado let the reviewing begin.

1. First off, you're still slightly new to YWS so here a little Welcome to YWS! from me. Note before I begin my review I have not read your previous chapter due to time restraints. This review is also going to be very quick because of the length of your chapter.

2. Okay there are one or two parts besides the usual categories(plot, grammar, twisted timelines, etc) that need a bit of tweaking. It's actually more like 3 parts but one or two is a better phrase.
i. Two lines of dashes for separating the different parts of the story is unnecessary. One line would be plenty and even one full line is a little bit irradiating. Sometimes I just use a half line because it looks much cleaner and professional.
ii. The author's note at the bottom needs to be separated from the rest of the story. If not it becomes very confusing and looks like it belongs with the rest. I would recommend a line of dashes or putting Author's Note in bold or both. Again this part makes the work look cleaner and is a better form of organization. Also where you sign your name, that she be moved down a line. The couple of times I signed my name at the bottom of works, I put it under the rest and in bold. Again this is for aesthetic purposes so it's really just your choice.
iii. What exactly was the purpose of the quotes? The second one fits but the first one (at least to me) doesn't seem to blend very well. Was this something that occurred in the first chapter? Is there a lot of necessary information in the first chapter so should have read before touching this? If so I should probably go read that.

3. For the category of grammar, spelling, and typos, most everything I saw I would classify as typos except for this one place. You used "Ok" instead of "Okay". Please refrain from using slang/emoticons in furtive pieces unless it's used in the right context. For instance abbreviations like "ok" can be used when describing a text message between two friends. It should not be used in a somewhat serious piece like this.
Then there was this place and you have a serious cause of lacking commas in necessary places as opposed to a serious case of unnecessary commas. Lacking commas is much easier to treat than the latter. Look at one of the sets of dialogue that shows the need for commas.

"Hi my name is Astrid" I said. "Hello Astrid my name is Finn"

-A comma is needed after "Hi" and then another is needed after the end quotation mark.
-Another comma is needed after "Astrid" and in that same line there is another piece of punctuation that needs to be added. A period is needed after Finn and befor the end quotation mark.

4. I don't have much to say about the plot because well there isn't much of s plot to speak of. The beginning is very confusing and O had to read the story over s few times to get a better understanding. I obviously should have read the previous chapter because whenI first looked at this I had absolutely no clue what was with the mc monologue. It seems relatively normal she(?) is talking about school, life, struggles of school, struggles of life, etc. This chapter doesn't seem to have much relation to anything but I guess it must be a gateway into whatever events will soon unfold.

5. Well that's about all I have for this review. Sorry O can't offer you anymore.
Have a nice day(night?).
-lizzy




JustGlitter says...


Hi I will take your suggestions into account but the story is from Astrid's point of view. She uses slang and improper grammar becuse she is just a kid and this is just how she thinks. Thank you for reviewing!




The person who has no opinion will seldom be wrong.
— Anonymous