Published February 8, 2011
Before you start reading, I would like to say I'm very well aware I have a lot of punctuation and format errors. I haven't written in a long time. Pathetic excuse, I know, but hey, it counts for something, right? Well, I felt like writing in a man's point of view, so here it goes.
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Even before her mouth opened, to speak out the words that would break me, I already knew what was going to be thrown at me.
“I’m sorry,” She said, her voice barely a whisper. Her brown eyes scanned my face.
I loved those brown eyes, they were the ones that I would often wake up to seeing, right beside me.
She swallowed, “I can’t do this anymore. I’m so sorry Will, but we can’t go on. It’s over,”
Everything went blank.
Over?
No, it can’t be.
She said my name.
I loved it when she said my name.
Only her perfect lips could make my heart beat like a hummingbird’s when she pronounced that one word.
Over.
No, it can’t be.
I opened my mouth to say something, anything, but nothing came out except for a shallow, “Okay.”
She gave me a small smile, kissed my cheek, and walked away.
Just like that, a whole three hundred and sixty five days of her was given to me, and then just as quickly snatched away from my palms.
She’s gone now.
Gone for good.
I pulled out the small box from my hand, which was behind my back.
Opening it, it revealed a silver band, with a diamond placed upon it, and inside engraved was “forever”.
I was going to ask her to be with me forever that day.
But all I got was three hundred and sixty five days.
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140,959 Literary Works • 673,783 Reviews
Wow this was really sad. I like the way you put the point of view from a boy (most stories are from a girl point of view but they're still good). It was good, keep up the good work ;D
Hey,
This was short and bittersweet. It reminds me of the moive 365 days of summer, have you seen it? Anywho on to your review:
I am happy to be amongst your first reviewers
This is a tad long and complicated to be your first sentence of your story. Usually first sentences are short and sweet, so it can ease the reader into their chapter/story. try breaking this up a bit. Example (but you don't have to use it): Even before her mouth opened I knew what was going to be thrown at me. She was going to speak those words that would break me.
Replace the comma after eyes with a semi-colon (;) because what you are doing here is combining two complete sentences with just a comma which makes for a run-on sentence to fix that you have to use a semi-colon which is specifically used to combine complete sentences. I also don't think the to after wake up is necessary, and when taken out, it makes for a better sentence.
The comma after swallowed should be a period because you aren't saying she said/replied/ etc. you are having your character do an action (swallowed) which is a seperate sentence from the dialogue. The comma after over should be a period because in this case the dialogue is a complete sentence by itself.
This is a long complicated sentence. Try to re-word it to make it a stronger sentence. Example: All I had with her was three hundred and sixy five days (bravo on spelling out the numbers by the way) , and they were snatched away just as fast as they were given to me.
You should never start a sentence with a conjunction because it signifies that it's a fragment instead. (because conjunctions (for,and, nor, but, or,yet, so) are used to combine complete sentences with a comma, and with out the second half it is a fragment.) In this case you can just take but out altogether, and capitalize the a in all.
Overall: I fairly enjoyed this short story. It would have been nice if it would hacve been longer, and maybe in the future you can add some description and color to it to make it a tad longer but it's great that you have gottern back into writing.
Have fun and ask for a review any time,
Tiffany