Young Writers Society

Hey

Umaima here to give a quick review

to tell you the truth I loved this piece a lot
I frankly thoug how amazing it was and guess what? i just loved it.

i am going to give you 3 special points about your piece.

1. That the punctuation and grammar were good. There weren't a lot of mistakes and I can totally say that it was fun reading this

2. That the plot and The idea was amazing, it was different and I havent read anything similar to this before so you go person!

3:. i felt that this piece was really amazing and I enjoyed it a lot!

Now you see thats all I have to say, sorry for not been a good critique but it's really all I can say

Happy review day

umaima

Happy Review Day! wildwildcat here to review your work!
This was quite thought-provoking and mind broadening.
Your final line is quite great, I applaud you for that bit of awesomeness. That isn't to say the rest of your stanzas aren't good, but that one takes the cake.
You have an odd capitalization error on the noT on the 6th break, I believe.
Overall, you have a very interesting poem that captures the eccentricity and whimsicality of life. Perhaps a little dark (not very), but your tone is light yet serious. No large tragedies or horrible things (too much) are going on, but your lines manage to carry a lot of weight without saying too much.
It's a great poem you have here that shows another perspective on life. Sorry I don't have too much else to say, since I'm not a poem expert.
Just this:
"It’s funny how people are scared of dying,
But noT scared of being born
It’s funny how tears in our eyes may just seem water to others,
But in reality they are induldged with many untold stories."
I'm not sure about your use of induldged. Do you mean indulged? Perhaps a less obscure word could fit your meaning better. Just a suggestion.
cheers!
~wildwildcat

Hi JD! Here is your requested review.

I was very optimistic going into this review. Reading through your poem, the subject matter seemed pretty interesting and original. I like the moral questions that you bring up in your poem, even if I don't agree with some of them. It's a thought poem, with not a lot of imagery, and I think that I like that. This is one of those poems that imagery would absolutely kill. It's very nice the way it is.

However, there were some parts to your poem that just didn't seem right to me.

JustDance wrote:It’s funny how some things last forever, even when they have faded away

JustDance wrote:Even though we think it’s one of the strongest makings of a house

JustDance wrote:I guess they must have crashed at some point.

JustDance wrote:It’s funny how criminals are put in jail for killing,
But the one who was killed is still dead

JustDance wrote:It’s funny how things can change,
But memories never go away.

JustDance wrote:It's funny how life sometimes,
Isn't funny.

-insert review here- There you go, since you don't want me to review.

Hey JD!

I'm so happy that you're writing again. Getting past writer's block is very good. And this is a lovely subject for a poem, actually. The questions you ask throughout it are good, and you expand on them nicely.

Message:

I like the overall feeling that you're putting through here. You tie it up at the end very nicely, which I absolutely love. Throughout the poem you have a strong underlying message, which I liked. However, I do think that at points you lost it slightly and seemed to meander off onto a path that sounds nice, but doesn't necessarily add much to the poem other than being pleasing to the ears.

Emotion:

Although I do get a feeling of emotion coming from your poem, you don't seem to be exploring emotions as much as you possibly could do. A lot of the things you're describing could be expanded on by use of emotions and the suchlike. However, in a way I quite like the way you've written it. So I'm actually kind of torn. I still would recommend emotion, though.

Rhythm:

So, up 'till now my comments have been pretty minor. On this factor, though, I think your poem could use some serious work. Thing is, at the moment your poem reads like prose with line breaks. Occasionally, this is a good thing, but here it doesn't seem to work. Your lines are too long, and there isn't really a discernible rhythm. Firstly, I would suggest getting rid of redundant words. In your poem you don't need to have full sentences which describe everything perfectly. Leave some things up to the readers' imaginations! You don't want to serve them everything piled high on a plate; that just gets a little boring. You need to cut down your line length a lot, and then start playing around with sentence structures in order to make this a really great poem!

Overall:

I really liked this, JDizzle! You have these really great ideas, and a lot of the time you manage to convey them in a wonderful way. But you over describe, dear, which takes your poem down a few notches. Nothing you can't fix, though!

*loves*

~Amy