Young Writers Society

(I'm addressing points stanza by stanza.)

You honestly think it's as simple as that?
You told her lies,
To cover up the truth,
And you sat there and thought, "It's gonna be okay."
It's as simple as that.

I like the repetition of "it's as simple as that" in the first line and the last line, except I don't understand the use of it the second time. Is it simple for him to think that everything will be alright? Does the speaker think that the story is a simple one? (If that's the case, expand on it in a complex way.) This is a weak beginning to a mostly weak poem.

Despite the fact she knew the truth,
Her aching heart began to crash and burn,
Because she knew that soon enough,
Despite you lies to cover up the truth,
She was next..it was her turn.

Why is there all of a sudden a rhyme? Besides the rhyme, this poem is pretending to be a story. (I still don't know what's going on.) I can't decide whether I like the repetition of truth at the end of line one and four or not, but if I do, it could be worked into this stanza in a more clever manner.

You honestly think it's as simple as that?
You told her lies,
To cover up the truth,
And despite the fact her heart crashed and burned,
She showed no pain,
Or even something like a simple tearstain,
On her shirt.

So the points of this poem, as I have looked at so far, are that someone lied and thinks that the situation will be simple, and that this girl's heart has crashed and burned. There is no explanation or food for thought yet and we are already done with the third stanza. Also, if your going to incorporate "you told her lies to cover up the truth" into every stanza, please find different ways of doing so. Tear stain is two words.

Wasn't it supposed to be the other way around?
She ended up pacifying you,
Hiding the waterfall of tears,
Forcing herself to make a smile appear.

Now I see the method to your madness when you were rhyming two stanzas ago. I like it better. This is a pretty typical scenario, though, with the hiding and the tears; you know how Shakespeare writes something and you have to read it at least twice to completely understand what it's saying? Well I think you should do that here. Make it a little more difficult for your reader to understand. The waterfall of tears thing is a bit overdone, too.

And now it's the end,
You wish you could have done more,
Possibly make her heart restore,
To how it once was,
When she believed your lies,
And didn't have to see,
The truth that was hid behind.

Too many commas. I can't read this properly with all these commas. There are other punctuation marks, you know. Like semi-colons and those long, double hyphen things (--). The first line, well, duh. It's the end of the poem, the end of your story; a bit anti-climactic, don't you think? But you've also picked up that irregular, I-hope-you-don't-realize-that-I'm-rhyming-on-purpose rhyme scheme.

Overall, I find this poem particularly awkward. The word choice is simple, the idea is easy to grasp, though also uncomfortably out of reach because of the awkwardness. It's hard to read visually with all the misplaced commas and rhymes. There's a lot of room for improvement.

-Clara