I couldn't find what category this fit best in, so I figured it wouldn't bite if I stuck it in "Other Poetry". Anyway, this is a poem I wrote about two months ago, and I don't really like it. I feel like it's missing something, but people told me that all it's missing is my approval and whatnot. My sister submitted it in some contest (Sorry, I don't recall the exact name so I won't put it 
) and it won first place. I would enjoy hearing what other people think of it even though I can almost say I hate it. Here it is:
The teachings of life
Aren't lessons taught,
With spoken words
And written lines.
The wisdom gained
With every wilted hope,
Every promise broken,
Every fallen dream.
The unwritten words
Read between the lines;
The unspoken truth
Heard after every word.
The flavor of water,
The touch of air,
The sound of silence,
And the meaning of love.
Could anyone help me think up a name for it? I can't find a name that suits it well.
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Nice!
Hey! I was just browsing around and seen this! So if you don't mind I will review it to the best of my ability.
I hope I made sense in this review!
Yes, I do see that it is missing something but the content is quite pleasing. The goal of the poem is basically saying, words cannot teach someone what the flavor of water's taste is, what air feels like or the sound of silence. That is obvious. But if you think about what poems are suppose to do is spread emotions. In actuality, poems are only hurtful and emotional because we use them to relate to ourselves. For example, you can explain the sound of silence but chances are you cannot give the person the memory of silence. So we think we know the perspective of the writer but we simply do not because we cannot relate to it.
We have to experience the sound of silence for ourselves. This is why it is more effective to show people the way to experience it for themselves.
"Go into a dark silent room and try with everything to clear your head and simply listen to silence, it is not loud or quite but it is there" This is the main difference between wisdom and knowledge. wisdom takes personal experience. We can never truly know the sound of silence until we hear it for ourselves.
This is why the content is pleasing because, even though it is simple beyond most very good poetry, it is almost perfect in every way. Each thing is thought out correctly, and it can have a great impact knowing that the simplicity of the message makes it have greater impact.
The thing that is most prevalent to me, about what is missing is the fact it doesn't properly explain where it is going. If your message is going for simplicity instead of complex it should be said in a way like prose. Instead the stanzas do not seem to connect until you see the bigger picture of the poem and that is a problem for effecting a greater impact and amount of people.
I do adore the structure though, but don't believe it to be the absolute best match with its content. I think the poem being simplistic enough allows greater impact then most so it will pass with really good scores.
About why she won the contest? The contest probably wasn't looking for the poem that was hardest to write. I know you often see someone put line after line of well thought out poetry and it seems to go unnoticed. The poetry contest was probably looking for the poem that would effect the most positive impact. This one is simple has a great message and has little structural and content problems.
Thanks
Your hero,
ImHero
I adore this review-- thank you so much.
I wrote this well over 5 years ago, haha, so I like to think my poetry has improved somewhat. Or so I hope.
No problem.
I have no doubt that your poetry has improved. If you would like, message me another piece and I will review it as well. Also Have confidence, this was a very well thought out poem!
Late, after everyone ele has posted ;-P. I liked this, but I think if you used 'each' instead of 'every' on your third? stanza it would flow better.
Title? Perhaps something like 'Lessons Taught, Wisdom Gained?'
Wow. That's pretty deep ;D. Allow me to review it;
Uh... I know I've said this once or twice but... please don't start lines with 'and' or 'but'! There are much better words that get the same job done! (I'm not saying don't use those words, just don't start lines or sentences with them. They don't seem grammatically correct.)
Oh no! Another 'and'!
Wow. Again. This poem is very deep and shows how you feel about many subjects. Wonderful job, June
[spoiler]Congratulations! You are the 50th review I have made! I have now accomplished my goal for the end of March! Thank you very much
Hello June!
I am editing this because I told you I would
Nice piece, it's really short and sweet.
Title: Maybe something simple as Truth, Wisdom, or Words.
Stylistic devices were cleverly used. Some repetition.
I think everything else has been picked out already.
Hello!
You silly goose you! This poem is wonderful. Its short and sweet and to the point. I like short poems because sometimes long poems can just become a big jumbled pile of words in your head that don't mean anything.
I like the message this is sending. And seriously all this is missing is your approval. But I mean it is up to you, it's your poem, your creative ideas. I personally like it and feel that it could pertain to situations in my life.
I get a lot of different mental images when I read this. It could be really cool with pictures and maybe some soft background music....haha sorry.
Anyways if you revise it or do something different with the idea I would love to hear about it so just pm me!
Bravo!
-Rory
for me the poem has plenty of imagery, and almost every poem has a simile\metaphor in it, so i would leave it as it is. For a title you might want to use ... well i don't know. ill have to think about it. PM me if you want to talk about a title. By the way i loved the poem!
"Life's Lessons" maby for a title. I'm not shure. I have touble naming stuff. I really like. I don't know why you don't. But then again i hate just everything i write, while others seem to like like. Guess were our ouwn worst crittics right. anyway I really did like it. Poems with meanings like this one are always my favorite and the kind i right the most. But I don't like them very much eather so, whatever. I love it.
No mistakes that I see, but I can't spell withought spell check. There is also nothing i would change about the wording.
! )
I like this poem with capitilization. Poems that have no grammar in them drive
me crazy! However in you last stanza, I dont really see how the flavor of water and
the touch of air add to wisdom. I do, however, like the last ending line.
I think that this poem could use some imagery or metaphors, but other than this, I can't find any other major errors. Good job, and keep writing. You sure have it down.
Darling, how can you hate this? It's wonderful, and I can certainly see how it won first place.
I feel like the second line should be in parenthesis, or between dashes. Otherwise it reads "The unwritten words read between the lines." Words read between the lines? Obviously that's not what you meant, so I think some extra punctuation is necessary.There are really only a couple things I would change.
First, the three stanzas after the first are "the teachings of life", correct?
So, I would either put a colon at the end of the first stanza, or I would add "they are" to the beginning of the second stanza.
"They are the wisdom gained"
And then I would change the periods at the end of the second and third stanzas to semi-colons.
Loved this dear, don't belittle it.
As for the name... nothing specific comes to mind, but if nothing else, you could always just go with the first line, "The teachings of life."
If you have any questions about this, don't hesitate to PM me. Thanks for the read.
I would call it "Life's Meaning." I liked it...I can see why it won first place.
Hi June!
I loved the message of this poem; like it tells you what the important things in life are and whatnot. But you tell this instead of showing it. Where's the imagery? Where's the metaphor and simile? I think that's what this poem is lacking.
I thought that the last two stanzas were a lot stronger than the rest of the poem. Nice job on those.
You need a title? Lemme see.... "Life Lessons"? Or "Granted Wisdom"? I suck at titles, I know.
Anyway, I think that with a little work, you can turn this into a great poem.
This poem isnt really missing anything at all. it had a solid meaning behind it that isnt obscure or doesnt need alot of thought to nessicarily understand it. as for a name thats kinda tricky i have almost no suggestions for a name for it. but overall it was a nicely written poem and it was very good. I refuse to touch grammar on this because grammar and i dont get along.
Hey, June! I randomly selected this from your portfolio!
I really, really like this poem. It's simple, it's fragile, and it's innocent. I really like it.
Okay. There's two things that I would do with this poem. 1) Add punctuation OR 2) un-capitalize all of the capital letters. There's a big thing with modern poetry. Sometimes there isn't a single capital letter in the whole poem. But it can only do that if there isn't any punctuation, so this poem would work perfectly. I'll fix the poems up twice. Tell me what one you like better. Of course, you don't have to do these. Just suggestions.
1)
The teachings of life
Aren't lessons taught
With spoken words
And written lines.
The wisdom gained
With every wilted hope
Every promise broken,
Every fallen dream.
The unwritten words
Read between the lines.
The unspoken truth
Heard after every word.
The flavor of water,
The touch of air,
The sound of silence,
And the meaning of love.
2)
the teachings of life
aren't lessons taught
with spoken words
and written lines
the wisdom gained
with every wilted hope
every promise broken
every fallen dream
the unwritten words
read between the lines
the unspoken truth
heard after every word
the flavor of water
the touch of air
the sound of silence
and the meaning of love
You can do it either ways. It doesn't matter.
Anyway. I really liked the content of the poem. There really wasn't much wrong with it. I just felt like the formatting needed a bit of fixing up. PM me if you have any questions for this lame critique. >.< I'll do better next time.
-Jared