Past Hope chp. 5

Braden returned shortly after us, earlier than normal, but that didn’t hold any good news for me. I told Liam to eat his sandwich before pushing Braden to the other side of the room. The short distance between us and our brother wasn’t actually enough to stop him from hearing our conversation, but I needed to at least try.

“Moriigan followed you out. What happened?” Braden spoke with no emotion. It wasn’t that he didn’t care, but rather another mechanism for protection we both had learned early on. I’d known him his entire life and that was the only reason I could discern the small amount of tension across his forehead that could only be associated with fear.

“He followed me around for a while and I asked him questions.” I didn’t want to lie, but mentioning the exact places we had visited would likely upset Braden. “He didn’t give me many answers, but he did say he didn’t intend to hurt me. Which makes me assume that as of right now you still have time to get your shit together.”

“Thanks. Anything else?” He asked the tension disappearing. His eyes kept watching the door as if it would disappear at any second. The room held memories for him, ones I suppressed and he was itching to leave them behind.

“No-” I began, but was quickly cut off by Liam.

“Did you know she had a friend?” He asked through a mouthful of sandwich. “He was weird, but he gave me this and it's delicious. Will he come back again?”

Turning back to Braden I watched as understanding grew.

“Friend? You mean Moriigan?” He questioned, voice growing louder and more harsh with each syllable. “Kera you idiot! You brought him here? You let him meet Liam!”

“I didn’t-”

“You can’t trust him!” Braden stepped into my space, towering over me. “He may say something to you about safety now, but that could disappear at any second! Don’t let a couple sweet words and a handsome face fool you. He is not good.”

“Handsome face? Fool me? You know I am not stupid, so what the fuck does that even mean Braden!” I stopped briefly, but when Braden didn’t make an immediate move to speak I continued. “I am not a slut. I am not going to put Liam in danger for a couple sweet words.”

“That's not what I meant.” Braden’s anger and confidence had disappeared in seconds. He reached out towards me, as if to comfort, but I moved away. “You know I don’t think that. I would never. After…” He stopped, eyes falling from me and back to Liam who now stood, watching us carefully.

Neither Braden nor I had to speak to know that our fight was over. There was still a lot to be said, but it would have to be done another time and someplace else. Our relationship had been tense for years, but Liam held us together. For him we tried to act as if things were better in the world. It was our way of giving him an easier life, but never going so far as false hope.

Hope is a thing of the past.

“I need to go out again. I’ll be back for dinner.” Braden didn’t look at me as he spoke, but instead to Liam. He didn’t look at me as he gave Liam a high-five. His eyes didn’t dare to slip in my direction as he approached the door. They did when he opened it.

No emotion was common. Anger or hate was common. Sadness and pity were common, but always hidden and eventually their causes were so common you forgot how to express the emotions.

Regret wasn’t. There was no point to want to undo in this world. It was bound to end up badly no matter what you did. My brother was part of a gang. He fought, stole, I could pretend he hadn’t murdered. Yet, never had I seen him regret something.

I couldn’t recognize what I’d never seen, but I’m sure that if my brother ever came close to regret it would have been then. For only a second he looked sorry and seemed to pity me.

Then the look was gone, covered up by the harsh world. He was gone the next. That night he would return. The next he might again, but each day the probability dropped. His reason to leave lay ahead of him, a world without me. His reason to stay lay behind him, Liam. His reason to stay lay ahead of him, a harsh world. His reason to leave lay behind him, nightmares of the past.

“Kera?” Liam called, pulling me out of my haze. I had been watching the closed door without any hint towards ever moving.

“Yes?” I replied, walking over to him. He still held the last bit of his sandwich at his side, but no longer was focused on eating it. Some part of him must have understood his words had started our fight, but he couldn’t seem to place where he had gone wrong.

“Is Moriigan your friend’s name?” He asked and I nodded. A small part of me wanted to correct him, to say Lucas. “After I finish eating can we work out?” Just like that Liam moved on. It was like he knew how sad I was, but for once I was certain I’d masked my emotions.

After a moment's pause, I smiled and agreed. His sandwich was gone the next.

“If I get more pushups than you can we go get fruit at the store?” Liam challenged as he moved to my side. I knew it was an expense that I shouldn’t encourage, but I laughed and nodded my head anyway. Even if he didn't beat me I knew I’d find myself going to the store.

We started stretching first before our workout. There was limited room, but it was just enough. I started us off with sit-ups, putting the push-ups off for the end. We didn’t talk so it was silence except for our breathing and bodies moving against the concrete. After one hundred I changed to standing where I began jumping jacks. Two hundred later I stopped again, got us both some water and then moved over to my bed to grab a couple tennis balls. They were old, and second hand stolen off a couple rich kids. It was nice to toss them, not only to work on hand-eye coordination, but taking my aggression out on the wall always felt good.

Liam kept up with me the entire time. He wasn’t weak, Braden and I made sure of it.

As we leisurely passed the balls around in different patterns Liam told me about his day. He had tried to steal from someone again, but had failed. He wasn’t caught though and at his age that was the most important part. He wasn’t yet strong enough to protect himself from large numbers of people and didn’t have any backup.

“Push up time,” I announced after we began to slow down. Liam immediately came to my side ready to try to beat me. “After every twenty we’ll hold a plank for thirty seconds before continuing. Ready?”

“Ready,” Liam responded and we began. Getting to two hundred was quick, but I knew Liam would begin to fall behind soon. Three hundred and it was really obvious. After a couple more sets I called for him to stop.

“How about a new deal?” I proposed, Liam raised his eyebrows in question so I continued. “If we run all the way to the store and back you can get your fruit.”

Liam had instantly regenerated all of his lost energy. I gave him a smile as I climbed up from the floor. After pouring and downing another glass of water each. I grabbed enough money from my stash and my knife. I had planned to give this one to Liam before they left. Now I couldn’t do that, at least not until I either got my first knife back from Lucas or got another for myself. It was never safe to walk around without a weapon, but right now Liam only had an old pocket knife.

I didn’t grab my jacket. My concern of getting cold wasn’t necessary because we would not be staying out very long. After sunset wasn’t the time for shopping trips.

We got through the building quickly and out onto the street before we ran side by side toward Abaddon’s, not rushing ourselves, but still fast. It was less than ten minutes later when we stopped outside the store’s door and stood cooling down for a second before entering.

For once we were not alone in the store, the redhead from earlier today stood in front of Abaddon. It was quiet, another thing I wasn’t quite used to, Abaddon’s normal jovial greeting missing. As Liam wandered off to the minimal fruit section I watched the interaction at the counter. Money was handed from the redhead to Abaddon and bread was given to the redhead.

The redhead’s face never shifted from its downward position and Abaddon never let his scowl slip. Now that their exchange had ended I expected the redhead to slip away, except he didn’t, rather staying frozen to his position. I couldn’t see his face, but I could predict what it would look like.

“Hello,” I called when the tension was too much for me to stand any longer. Both men turned to look at me as if they had no idea I was watching, and yet I was very conscious of the fact that I felt like my arrival had actually interrupted something.

The redhead tried to give me a smile, but neither of them seemed any less tense so I continued to try and break the ice.

“I brought Liam to get some fruit,” I moved up towards the counter so I stood next to the redhead.

“I have apples,” was Abaddon's very simple response. I gave him a smile before returning my attention to the redhead who now watched me with curiosity.

“You come here often?” I attempted, but it came out too pressured. I didn’t sound natural.

“No,” the redhead answered quickly, too quickly. I mightn’t have noticed if it weren’t for the way his eyes slipped to look at Abaddon for the briefest of seconds. I was missing something. “I’ll be going now.”

“Don’t come back here until you learn some manners Samael,” Abaddon called after him. There was my proof. He wouldn’t know the name of someone who wasn’t a normal customer, I hardly believed he knew mine.

It was small, but much too obvious. I would never expect someone I looked up to let himself get caught in a lie so easy to avoid. It was the mistake of a beginner, a child. It made me feel Abaddon wanted me to know it was a lie.

But maybe I was overthinking things. I tended to do that, and even though much of the time my suspicions were true, they always came with unnecessary trouble.

Liam finished choosing his reward and joined me in front of Abaddon.

“One apple,” he spoke cheerfully, unaware of everything previous to now. At least that’s the way he acted, the smart move in this world. Ignorance is bliss.

I handed Abaddon the money and he tucked it under the counter silently. Today wasn’t a talkative normal day. As he finished up Liam began to leave and I got ready to follow.

“Kera,” Abaddon called to me just before I stepped out of the door. I didn’t even need to look at him to pick up on how serious he was. I quickly told Liam to eat his apple and wait for me outside the door before turning around once again.

Abaddon waited for me to return to him before speaking. “I hear the whispers of rumours of people in my store.” It was a statement, cryptic and I had no idea what he meant.

“I would assume so.” I went about the conversation just as he was, the opposite of straightforward. Instead, hinting at questions and meanings.

“The Dorshadass’ headquarters is nearby and they like to pop in from time to time.” He continued on his little riddle, it felt weird and I wanted the point, but I didn’t dare press him. Just as I never confronted the truth of how I got my money or the time he’d save Liam. It was always riddles and secrets.

I simply nod my head this time, prompting him to continue.

“I hope Liam enjoys his apple. They are leftovers from a batch made for those in the centre. Have a good night.” He didn’t wait for me to turn around and leave already slipping away. His hints were over and I was clueless and scared.

Without wasting any more time I joined Liam again, who gushed over how good his apple was. I couldn’t even think. I watched the people around us. They slipped from one expanding shadow to another. When Liam was done he threw the core into a nearby alley before asking if I was ready to run. I gave him approval and we moved.

Running helped clear my mind, even if only temporarily. Braden showed up at home only minutes after us and we ate. Neither Braden nor I spoke, only Liam between each of his mouthfuls. Afterwards, Liam got his fighting lesson and Braden slipped out the door again. There was no mention of our earlier fight, it was forgotten to both of us.

I twirled my knife while Liam got ready for bed. I could feel my mind slipping away again, wanting to solve a mystery. The light flickered once and then twice, but I didn’t move to change.

“Kera? It’s time to sleep.” Liam called to me through the darkness.

“I know,” I told him “Night.”

“Goodnight.” He responded.

I tried not to, but I couldn’t resist letting my mind slip into my thoughts, analyzing Abaddon’s words. There was a rumour, it involved the Dorshadass. It could be anything. Then he had spoken of apples. It felt so random and yet I felt so certain I was missing something very important.

It couldn’t have to do with Liam. He didn’t have anything to do with the Dorshadass, not yet, not directly. Why had he mentioned its origin, the centre of the city? The rich?

It clicked smoothly in place the Dorshadass and the rich. He must have been warning of what I’d heard from my own brother’s mouth earlier. Yet, I still felt so lost.

Have a good night. The most casual of his comments, what had felt like his way of telling me our conversation was over. His shop should be renamed Riddles.

I forced myself to move, finally pulling my sweatshirt over my head.

“Liam?” I called into the dark, but didn’t get a response.

I stood as quietly as possible. Pulling my leather jacket on for extra warmth. It would make me look bigger too, more like a boy.

I tiptoed as quietly as I could to Liam’s side. Pulling my knife out of my pocket I laid it by his side. I was breaking a promise I had made to myself four years ago and had reiterated stronger than ever only two ago.

I moved back to the door and pulled up my hood as a final attempt at protection before opening it and slipping out into the night. I was being stupid. I was risking everything I knew to be true. I didn’t even know if I had interrupted his words right. I could be wrong, he could be wrong.

Yet, I was about to leave because why not. Hope was a thing of the past anyway.