“You asked me to trust you, and I did, now what? Now that you have taken that trust and used it to crush me?” I speak slow and calm, and as I pause I can see the words begin to form on his lips, another lie. “What you are doing isn’t good. Those people, you, are the problem with the world. You say you fight for justice, but you're wrong, you only will make it worse. People are already getting hurt. What happens when people start dying?”
“That won’t happen,” He sounds confident, so sure that he is the one speaking the truth.
“It will, you should know that it will. You aren’t ignorant, you aren’t stupid. You know this just as well as I do. So what then? When something goes wrong, what will you do? When the only options left to you are killing or dying, what will you do?” I’m practically shouting, breaking down.
“It-”
“Can you not see yourself! The madness you are speaking!” I scream at him, completely losing my composure. I take a deep breath and push back the tears. “Why?” I ask, a whisper directed towards at the dirt.
“For you,” he says and I look up into his eyes again. “This,” he gestures to our surroundings, “This isn’t what you deserve. Not the rotting houses, nor the cold, nor the hunger, none of it. I’m doing it for you, to save you. I… I’m doing it for your love.” I freeze, unsure. “ You deserve a better world. And if it means doing this, then I’ll do it.”
“I don’t want-” I try to speak, but he interrupts me
“I would do anything for you.” I watch his eyes carefully, I can feel the love, and yet there is something else, something much more terrifying. “I would kill for you.”
I don’t even know if I’m breathing anymore, confused by the pain. It feels like forever before I blink, and when I do I move.
I turn and I run. I know there is sound, I know he is shouting, but I can’t hear it. Only the ramming of my heart and the pounding of my feet on the ground. Everything is black, everything is wrong, but I keep moving.
It flashes through my mind quickly, too quickly. From the night when we first laughed, to this one. I shouldn't have spoken then, I shouldn’t have spoken after. The memories are filled with the hints, the messages I missed. I missed his madness and now it will try to eat at me too.
I don’t remember stopping, I don’t remember falling, but I’m on the ground and it's cold.
I thought that the horror of remembering had stopped, but it's back repeating itself over and over again, ingraining itself into my brain relentlessly.
I’m moving again, slower, more broken. I find myself at home, still surrounded by the silence. I move without thinking, my mind already too busy, too consumed.
I’m at the train station again, the sun is appearing, again. It’s all repeating.
The people are the same, still dressed the same, still talking about the same things. I’m the only difference. I am the only thing that’s changed.
I let the movement lull me to sleep, hoping for a peace that I know won’t come. It just starts again.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello, Junel! It’s Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!
Give me your soul.With that aside...
STOP! Grammar time!
I'm just going to mark the ones I can with red because I'm too lazy to write explanations.
Suggestions:
Okay, this happened way too fast. Love declarations shouldn't happen in the beginning like this. That's just not natural. I'm assuming that she just met him, correct? So how would he love her already? And don't tell me that they did it in the Hunger Games -- Peeta was stalking Katniss before they were in the HG together.
Confusing things:
What is this sentence saying? I can't figure it out.
Other comments, reactions, and fangirling:
I don't see how this can become a novel. If you have a first part -- and add it onto here -- I can see this as being a horror short story; not a novel. It's also very unrealistic how she figures out these things this quickly...? I would wait until later to mess with madness.
Also, I don't think that he sounds very... mad. I recommend that you check out this website to help you write about clinically insane people.
Overall:
Like I said, this works better as a short story. I did like it, but some of the things came way too fast and need to be fixed and, like I said, I don't see where this can go. Keep writing!
Give me your soul --
Kara
Hey, I'm here to give a quick review!
Ooh, my. While this part is brief and vague, I enjoy it very much. I like the atmosphere you've created here; I can feel the tension between the characters and the intensity of what's going on. While I don't know what the man has done, I can feel it's something horrible and the protagonist doesn't like it.
I feel like there should be more setting descriptions when they talk, but perhaps this is something that is fixed in the first part. I feel like the setting in the train can be explored more to reflect the MC's state of mind. That being said, I get her firm morality throughout this part.
Other than that, this is quite a solid chapter, so it's a matter of making it more polished. Keep up the good job!
Greenteas and salutations my dear friend!
My name is GreenTea and I'm here to review! I hope none of the constructive criticism will be taken negatively and the positive comments will help inspire you to continue. Let's get into the review!
Good start! I like the length; it's manageable and easy to read rather than long and complicated. I'm also a lazy piece of garbage so maybe I'm just being trash. Aaaanyway, you have rather good word usage and your sentences flow smoothly. The story is very intriguing, and I would love to read more but as stated above, I am a lazy piece of garbage.
Time for comments!
In my opinion, this sentence seems a little awkward and dead to read. Try adding a variety of punctuation because I can get the impression that the main character is pretty distraught. Try this;
Use a dash instead of a comma to give the visual impression that she is being interrupted.
Beautiful ending! Can't wait for more!
Well, that’s all I have for now! Hope I gave you a quali-tea review!
再見
Zàijiàn!
~GreenTea
Thanks for the review!