“They are here.” I stop moving suddenly. Why couldn’t they run late, or just never come? Lawrence said it so simply, and know that there is a grin on his face for ruining my day.
“Fine, I’ll head straight there,” I state calmly, continuing away.
I feel a hand grab my arm as his voice says “Other direction.” I turn towards my brother.
“Such a big castle, I forgot,” I say innocently, but he knows it’s not true. I know this castle better than anyone else in history.
He still grips my arm, looking into my eyes to find my intention. I know it ’s hopeless to fight back, I’ll get dragged there sooner than later.
Might as well delay it though.
As soon as my grin shows up he begins, he’s always used strategy more than me and so I eventually fall to him, but I’m faster and the beginning of each fight is clearly dominated by me.
I don’t even process his move, but go straight for mine using what little distraction I’ve caused to allow me to free myself from his grip. I quickly add a few good feet of distance between us. He moves in attempting to grab my arm again, but I dodge.
But with a thump, I land with my back parallel to the floor. The fight ended simply by Lawrence's foot casually placed onto the fabric of my dress. He always does that, I should have learned to be more careful by now.
“Oww,” I groan, overreacting to my fall. I’ve faced far worse injuries and not once complained, but then it's a disadvantage to show weakness, here it will just take up more time I want to pass by.
“Grace, do stop this nonsense. I shouldn’t have to tell you that it is very bad for your character.”
“Whatever,” I say, rolling my eyes at his outreached hand, always the gentleman. I accept his help up but don’t work with him, making him pull up the entirety of my body weight. He’s able to easily enough, he’s always been strong, even before he began training.
Once I’m on my feet again, he starts walking, pulling me along with him, to avoid dropping to the ground again I have to start moving my feet, but just barely.
It’s still burning hot outside and I have to shade my eyes as the three cars pull in only a third of the total to come. My mother is already here waiting patiently. Lawrence gives me a quick look, reminding me to behave before walking away leaving me to suffer alone.
My mother is beautiful, her dark brown hair highly contrasting to the golden crown. This is all her fault. She insisted that the tradition needed to be followed and I have pushed it off my entire life. Nine girls to help me, dress me, advise me. I didn’t want a single one.
The first girl’s dress pulled at my eyes immediately. The exact shade of bright red that symbolized the east, making her black hair seem even darker. She is one of the seven, one of the ones I was resenting. The girl my age from the most powerful family of each continent.
The first one exited her car. She was short with red hair and a light grey dress. Her dress color doesn’t belong to any place. She must be the first in place of the two who never came. Ten years ago I was supposed to get two little girls to be my friends, but that never happened. The one time my mother let tradition pass by. I was only five and I was left alone.
I look away as the last girl finally exits her car. Tall, brown hair, white dress. The other one. I take her in quickly, already bored.
The others have already reached me and my mother. The black haired girl is calm and respectful, it's obvious she grew up expecting this. The redhead seems similar, but something else in her expression surprises me. Behind the calm, she seems sad and tired.
“Welcome.” my mother says “I’m Queen Vanaa.”
I roll my eyes, she says it like wouldn't have already picked up on that fact. It's not like she's wearing her crown or anything.
“This way,” she continues leading them inside the palace I follow at the back watching each girl carefully. The brown haired one also surprises me. She looks stunned, in awe of the palace. We are entering the East Wing when one of my mother's ladies in waiting approaches.
“Clare what is-.” my mother starts.
“You better come quickly.” the lady interrupts her. It's out of place, but my mother ignores it so I do too.
“Is it?” Mother asks, sharing a look with Clare.
“Yes,” Clare says, upset. They both turn rushing off in the opposite direction without the slightest explanation.
“Is everything okay?” The brunette asks me. Okay, maybe I should learn their names.
“Oh yes. Probably just something at the banquet.” I reply, walking towards my room, I don’t even care if they follow. When I do stop I see them all faithfully at my heels. Like a bunch of ducklings.
“Sit,” I commanded after multiple minutes of awkward standing on their parts, but even after the silence ensues. “So, you all know who I am. Names?” I ask
“I’m Bella Nawcran daughter of representative Nawcran of the West.” the black haired girl speaks up immediately, her voice is posh and way overconfident for my liking.
“Next,” I command pointing to the small redhead after no one speaks.
“Canara Redger, daughter of Lord Redger.” Her voice is just as sad as she looks, but there is also something else deeper, hostility?
“Louella Penrova.” The browned haired girl says saving the redhead from my scrutinizing look.
“Daughter of?” I ask turning to her.
“Um,” she begins. “Paul Penrova.” No titled father, interesting, but then how did she get here?
“Your shoes!” Bella gasps, her arm pointed out. I follow it, finding Louella at the end, who quickly attempts to hide her flats. “You’re not wearing heels! You think you can get away with that!” Bella screams.
“I didn’t-” Louella starts a bit scared, but not weakly, she isn’t bursting into a fit of tears.
“Bella please head to the banquet, I need to talk to these girls,” I say calmly, tired of her. She smiles evilly and exits the room.
“I-.” Louella begins again.
“Don’t worry you're not in trouble.” I say cutting her off again.
“I’m not?” she questions, confused.
“You’re not," I repeat, laughing. "I love a rebel.”
“But then what was that?” Canara asks, finally speaking up.
“Going outside is a punishment,” I state simply, but two confused stares meet me. “It hot out there and it’s only going to get worse. Bella is boring. You though,” I continue pointing to each of them “are interesting. Now, who’s first?” I ask smirking.
“For what?” Canara asks.
“Answering my questions of course,” I say as a half answer. I stare at them both waiting.
“Ask me.” Louella finally speaks.
“Great! Now I can tell you didn’t get here from family relations.” I say
“Correct,” she affirms
“Well, although I might want an explanation later, for now, what does matter is how rebellious you are. So, on a scale of zero being you always follow the rules and ten being you rebel just about every second of your life, what would you be?”
“An eight?” She answers, questioning herself.
“Decent enough, but can you fight?” I continue my interrogation quickly.
“I can use a sword and a bow.” She answers more confidently.
“Nice. Now Canara why are you so sad?” I say suddenly moving on. Canara looks a little surprised at my observation, but she speaks up quickly enough.
“I was taken from my home, three times.” she says the hostility I noticed earlier a little more prominent.
“That it?” I ask. She gives me a questioning look before answering.
“Basically,” Canara answers the fire inside her growing, I should be a little careful.
“You can both go now.” I quickly dismiss them standing and turning away.
“I’m sorry Your Highness, but I think we deserve a few answers too,” says Louella, I guess I have been encouraging her brave speech with my own. I turn back to them.
“Most girls grow up wanting to be a princess, but I am different. I didn’t have to wish for this. I was born lucky or at least that's what people say. I have other feelings about my personal situation.”
“So?” Canara asks not understanding what I’m trying to get too.
“Girls dream of the gold and jewels, the fancy dresses, the daring princes, the huge castles, but they didn’t know what it was really like. Rarely seeing your parents, having no friends, alone in a huge prison. My only company is my brother, but ever since our sixth birthday I rarely get to spend time with him. He is the crown prince. I am nothing, but a useless princess. Kept hidden until needed, but I don’t want to wait I want to do something and I will.”
“What?” they both ask.
“And what do we have to do with it?” Louella adds quickly
“Later. Just know that I think you are going to be some great Ladies.”
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141,396 Literary Works • 674,387 Reviews
Hello, there! I think this is an interesting premise so far. Your protagonist seems to have a strong personality. And I think the plot so far is good, though I do think that having a little more introduction to the protagonist before all of this happens would be good. Basically, the jest of what I'm thinking about this is, what you have here is good, but the writing *of* it could be better. I hope I don't seem mean or anything because I'm not trying to be, I'm just trying to help this improve(And honestly, this is a really good starting place. All of my first drafts are shit, lol). I'm gonna point out some things that could be written in better/different ways to show you what I mean, but it's up to you on what you want to change, keep the same, write differently, etc. Here's some examples:
"They are here.” I stop suddenly, why couldn’t they run late? Lawrence said it so simply, I can feel the grin on his face for ruining my day.
Just changing this slightly, but it could a bit smoother like:
"They are here."
I come to a sudden stop, wishing they could've run late, or somehow, magically, not shown up at all. Lawrence said it so simply to me, and though I'm not looking at him, I can feel the stupid grin he has on his face for ruining my day.
Also, side note, I think the beginning of this could be better. Like, I think this start would be fine for other chapters, but being that this is the *very* beginning of the book, I would change it. Have a good hook for people to get caught up in. Dialogue,waking up from sleep, and description of weather/setting seems to be a cliche that a lot of people start books with. I may start with those introductions in other chapters, but not at the very beginning of the book. But like I said, that's up to you. There's nothing really wrong with leaving it like it is, per se.
Another example. From this:
“Welcome.” my mother says “I’m Queen Vanaa.” like they couldn’t tell. “This way,” she says leading them inside the palace I follow at the back watching each girl carefully. The brown haired one also surprises me. She looks stunned, in awe. We are about to enter the East Wing one of my mother's ladies in waiting approaches.
To this:
"Welcome," my mother says. "I'm Queen Vanaa."
I feel like scoffing and rolling my eyes at that, but hold myself back. As if they couldn't tell. I mean, she even has a crown on her head for Christ's sakes.
"This way," she continues, leading them inside the palace. I stay back and follow behind them so I can study each of the girls, getting a feel on them. The brown-haired one surprises me by how how stunned and in awe she appears, but I guess we *are* about to enter the East Wing. One of my mother's ladies-in-waiting approaches in a rush as soon as we step inside.
Do you see what I'm doing? It reads better like that, right? Smoother. It also makes it longer. (If you don't agree then just ignore me, lol.)
I'll give a couple more examples of this, but first I want to point out a couple spots that had me confuzzled. The first being the beginning where something happens with her brother and she ends up falling on the floor. Maybe I'm just an idiot, but I honestly have no idea what happened there. He was gripping her arm, something happened, and she was on the floor groaning. That made it seem like he was being aggressive/abusive, but then it said something like, "Always the gentlemen..." so I was even more confused by this interaction. This line in particular was difficult to process: "I don’t even process his move, but go straight for mine using what little distraction I’ve caused to allow me to free myself from his grip." Re-reading it several times now leads me to believe that he stepped on her dress and made her fall, but it's really hard to tell that when reading it, especially if you only read it once. So I'd definitely change that and try to make it more clear.
The other part that confused me was this interaction, though I believe I know what happened here now:
“Clare what is-.” my mother starts.
“You better come quickly.” the lady interrupts her. It's out of place, but I ignore it.
“Is it?” Mother asks
“Yes.” Clare seems upset. My mother rushes off without the slightest an explanation.
At first I had no idea what happened here and thought you messed up with what the mother said in the third line, but now I think I know what you intended. I think a better, more clear way of executing it would be like so:
"Clare, what is--"
"You better come quickly," the lady says, interrupting my mother. It's out of place to interrupt her like that, but I choose to ignore it as my mother doesn't seem to mind it.
"Is it....?"
Mother doesn't finish the question, trailing off, but her (possible write the color of her eyes here for more description if you'd like) eyes are wide as she stares at the other woman. There seems to be some kind of unspoken communication here that I am not a part of, as Clare understands and answers her without hesitation.
"Yes."
My mother then runs off with her without explanation, both of them flying down the hallway at a frantic pace.
I'm guessing this is basically what happened anyway. If I got it wrong then, you know, ignore this. I also got confused a couple times toward the end and had to reread it when the girls were talking to each other. Just the way the speaker tags were/lack of speaker tags made it hard to figure out who was speaking at a couple spots. Now I'm just going to point out a couple more things and how to better write them, then I'll wrap this up.
From this:
“Um,” she begins. “Paul Penrova.” No titled father, interesting, but then how did she get here?
“Your shoes!” Bella shouts gasping her arm pointed out. I follow it until I see Louella at the end who quickly tries to hide her flats. “You’re not wearing heels! You think you can get away with that!” Bella screams.
“I didn’t-” Louella starts a bit scared, but not weakly, she wasn’t bursting into tears.
“Bella please head to the banquet. I need to talk to these girls.” I say calmly. She smiles evilly and exits.
“I-.” Louella begins again.
“Don’t worry you're not in trouble.”
“I’m not?” she questions, confused.
“You’re not, I love a rebel.” I laugh.
To this:
"Um, Paul Penrova."
Interesting that her father doesn't have a title name, but that begs the question of how did she get here?
"Your shoes!" Bella shouts, gasping and pointing her arm. I follow it to find that it leads to Louella at the end, who quickly attempts to hide her flats. "You're not wearing heels! You think you can get away with that?"
Her nearly screaming voice and overreaction to the shoes swiftly gets on my nerves, which is not the best first impression she should be giving me right now. All it makes me think is that she's a rigid rule-follower who is of no use to me.
"I didn't--" Louella starts before I interrupt. Her voice sounds a bit scared, but not necessarily in a weak way. More defensive. And she certainly doesn't burst into tears.
"Bella, please head to the banquet," I say, annoyed on the inside but calm on the outside. "I need to talk to these girls."
She smiles something that looks more like a fed-up grimace, then leaves the room.
"I--"
"Don't worry, you're not in trouble," I say, cutting Louella off for the second time.
"I'm...not?"
"You're not," I repeat, laughing. "I love a good rebel.
Hopefully it makes sense to you as to what I'm doing here with these things. Adding more details, using correct grammar, having sentences that flow together well. Basically, I suggest doing this to the entire chapter. Other than that, the only things I suggest is changing the beginning, having more of an introduction to the protagonist before getting to the action, and making some things more clear. Not that what you have is bad or anything, but it could be better. Also, is there a reason this is a prologue instead of chapter one? Is there going to be a flash forward or something? If not, then it should just be the first chapter. And the last thing I want to point out is the title. No offense, but it feels kind of...dull. Generic. Like, the only way I would pick up a book of this title at a bookstore would if it had a really cool cover. And like I said, I don't mean anything by that as it's not like I'm the master of titles myself, and if you like it then keep it, but I just think there's probably a better title for this. For me, I have a series of three books, and this is how I came up with the names for them. The first one, Spruce Woods, is where a lot of stuff happens throughout the story something really big/important happens there near the end. So for that one the title is the setting. The second book, Blood Moon, comes from the fact that a big event happens on the blood moon in the story. And the third book, The Lycanthrope Experiments, is what a lot of the book is about, and I guess is also an event in a way. Basically what I'm saying, is think of a major setting, event, plot point, object, person, etc, to come up with the title. Of course, like I said, if you like the title you have then ignore me, it's your book.
And that's about all I have to say. Sorry for this being so long. But hopefully I didn't come across too harsh or anything, as I really did like this and it has a good premise, and you understood what I'm trying to say. If you need any help, would like me to review/edit something, give more examples of something, go into more detail about something, just want to talk, or whatever, just let me know and I'd be happy to. Good job so far and good luck!
Hello
First of all, I liked the reading this and I think you've set up a good story so I hope you will continue writing from here on out. I just published the prologue for my own story, so I know how difficult it can be to set the scene for a novel but you did a great job.
As for my corrections...
"I quickly then add a few good feet of distance between us. He moves in attempting to grab my arm again, but I dodge. "--to make the beginning of the sentence run easier I would suggest writing "I then quickly add" or "I then add" or even "I quickly add".
“Whatever.” I say rolling my eyes at his outreached hand"--for this, I would put a comma between say and rolling
"Once I’m on my feet again, he starts walking pulling me alone with him,"--I would also put a comma between walking and pulling
"My mother is already here waiting patiently Lawrence gives me a quick look"--I would put a period between patiently and Lawrence, creating two sentences
"I take her in quickly already bored"--put a comma between quickly and already
"mother ladies in waiting approaches"--I assume you meant mother's, it okay though we all make that mistake at some point
"I turn walking towards my room",--comma between turn and walking
"likings"--liking?
Okay...so my critiquing may seem long and I do have to admit that I was a little nit-picky and negative but...I loved it. I really hope you continue to write, as I plan to continue to read. I already have an attachment to the characters, and I like how you revealed back ground information slowly and spanning over multiple paragraphs. Your dialogue didn't feel too forced, and I love how, like many great authors of our generation, you used the title of your work as the final line in your prologue. That creates suspense, and drives a reader to continue reading. Overall, great job! I like this world that you created so much, I gave you a star. Keep up the good work
Thanks for the review it was very helpful, I always miss a bunch of things when I try to edit. I'm really glad you enjoyed this, it is my third draft of this story and it's finally coming together!
I enjoyed it immensely! And I completely understand, if you were to read any of my works you'd be able to see that I tend to not edit as much as I should lol but that's what this website is for; other people can pick up on the mistakes that we glazed over.