You are beautiful beyond even your own knowing,
Akin to when light strikes the crevace of a diamond is your face in it's glowing,
Womanhood, Maturity, and intellect manifest in the deepest set of your soul revolting to be abolished,
Like a jewel in the dirt begging to be polished,
I see in you miles of potential that extend from here to there like eagles wings dancing in the wind,
I am stolen by your allurement stunned by the stratifaction of your glory which begins at your skin I can't imagine it's end,
You are woman my gift, my rib, the other180 degrees,
Gods craftmanship created for me,
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey there, welcome to yws!
I agree with firestarter in that your lines seem a bit too cluttered. I think line two doesn't make much sence because you've twisted and crammed it too much to make it rhyme. Also, putting too many complex words in usually sends your reader to the dictionary, which is never much fun for us :p
'in it's glowing' - is 'glowing' a noun? Possibly, I'm not sure, but I think it's better used as a verb.
'like eagles wings dancing in the wind', great use of imagary. This sould be ' eagle's '
'begins at your skin I can't imagine it's end,' - you need an 'and': 'skin and I can't', perhaps a commar too, but that's just to make it more understandable.
Overall, I see what you're trying to say, but I think you need much less words and more soul, shorter lines, maybe split each one into stanzas...
Better luck next time dude.
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-Rick.
Now, the crit: I don't really like the rhythm nor flow into this. I don't like how this is written either. Try to write it in stanzas. Also, add some rhythm into this. Try to shorten up each line and extend this a bit. I hope this helps!
-Rick.
Hey there June.
I think the main problem you have here is that your lines have become cluttered with words that it's strangling your poem and what you're trying to say. L2 is the perfect example of this -- it doesn't actually make sense. The syntax is wrong. I actually think you could remove everything past diamond in that line and leave it how it is.
I think you have gone for words where you don't need them. Remember poetry is all about the placement and intersecting of words together. Juxtaposition and syntax are holy words in the Bishopric of Poetry. "Stunned by the stratification of your glory" and "revolting to be abolished" are heretical lines that need a good burning. Watch overuse of expression and superfluity.
Ignoring common punctuation errors, you also have the problem of a pretty boring subject matter and you're coming from the standard angle. Poetry is also about originality and freshness, and this doesn't cut it. There are perhaps some salvageable ideas here but not enough to make a poem.