Scream

The mood of the poem definitely shows in this poem. However, there are many grammatical and punctuational errors. This was done a while ago (I'm not too sure, since I have no clue how old you are now), so you should post something more recent so that everyone would feel comfortable giving you critique. No one wants to critique someone's old work from a long time ago. But anyways, I liked it.

I found it to be quite interesting matter of fact. This was very good but the only thing was is that it has no punctionuation at all. It seems to be one long run-on sentence. I really like what you got here you got potential. Keep it up!

GordonRamsayLuver

You may want to leave a space between the introduction and the beginning to let us know it isn't actually part of the poem.

Your word choice, like other people have said, is brilliant in some places.

Couple of things:

"It seems so addicting" - "addictive" is the correct form of the adjective; "addicting" is the present participle. (Of course, this would mess up the rhyme scheme.)

"Who's soul has been ripped out" - I don't like passives in general, but here it's just about acceptable because of the rhyme scheme. "Who's" means "who is/has"; "whose" means "belonging to whom" - correct this.

"The toxic boiled inside me" - Great image, but "toxic" is an adjective! Say "toxic waste" or something like that so it makes more sense.

You could also do with PUNCTUATING it, but have you deliberately flouted this? You are a Novice so I would suspect that you are being erroneous and have not used artistic licence.

As the previous reader has commented, this was a tad overwhelming. Try and write something more subtle but no less menacing in future - this subtlety will in fact make your ideas even more chilling.

Good work however. 8/10

Woah.
You were some twelve year old...

I liked it. Very interesting. The voice is amazing, I feel that was the best part. Also, some of your word choice was very well done.

The structure's a little rough, but I think it fits the poem.

So to conclude, that was pretty good. I don't thinking a real review would be necessary, like Imp said, but just wanted to say I enjoyed this.

Post some more! I have to see what else you've gotten done since you wrote this!

~LIF

P.S I see you are a Novice. Hope you are having fun!

Hmm, I liked this though. I could be just me, but there's a strange so of rhythm to it. There was a dark, smouldering sort of presence of tension building at the start, and I thought that there was some great imagery here, for example:

The toxic boiled inside me

Is aching to bubble out

Hey Junc. ^_^


Er, anything somewhat recent that you've written and would like to post? I'd hit this with a critique. But I'd hate to tinker with something you'd done years ago, and were finished with. Rather fruitless, da?

That said, this does have a compelling sort of directness in it. Sans punctuation or anything too terribly out-of-the-box (^_~), it still has the etchings of a voice. And so, naturally, I'd like to see something you're working on currently. ^_^






IMP

I wrote this at the beginning of 7th grade. It has no punctuation and a rough rhyme scheme.
But for never writting poetry before this, I think it's sadly ok.
Slightly morbid/skewed I was very confused when I was young.