Published February 13, 2012
Rain fell in a torrential downpour, making visibility almost impossible and cloaking the world in a dim, grey sheet. The only light came from the windows of the small stores lining the street, which was just enough to cast shadows in the narrow alleys between shops. The sky was coated in deep, black clouds that blotted out the sun, making the rifts between the buildings look dark and forbidding; devoid of life.
A shadow detached itself from the clot of black that was the alley between a little coffee shop and a rundown hardware store. It moved smoothly into the bright oasis of warmth and light of the coffee shop entitled Mimi's Cottage with a quaint sign saying: “Come on in, there is enough for everyone!”. The shadow approached the little store.
A bell rang as the door opened and a warm sounding voice called, “Coming, I'm coming. Take a seat!”.
A large, round women bustled out of the back and faltered when she saw the black cloaked stranger standing. Dripping onto the wooden floor of her shop. That didn't stop her for long, as she whisked toward the person holding out her hand and saying, “Well now, what business is so urgent as to bring you here in this kind of weather? You could catch your death out in the rain like that! Look that the state of your jacket, sir, it's soaked through! Why don't you sit yourself down at that table over there and warm up so you don't turn it to an icicle.”
After hesitation, the stranger held out his arms and allowed the woman to help him out of his cloak. He then pulled off his gloves and stomped over, legs practically frozen stiff, to the table by the fireplace.
The women, presumably Mimi as this seems to be her cottage, hurried over to the coat rack and hung the boy's, for he didn’t look any older than sixteen, coat and turned to survey her new customer. She noticed that his hair was an unruly mop of dark brown on his head and seemed like it had not been combed in ages. His eyes where a beautiful endlessly deep blue that seemed to hide a deep inner wisdom long beyond his years. When he spoke, his voice was deep, dark, and forbidding, with a commanding edge to it, similar to that of general or commanding officer in an army.
“Mimi, I presume?” he said, his voice an even, slightly diplomatic tone. “I am Grimm. I wish to stay at your inn this evening.” There was a chilling note in his voice that suggested he had put more than one man six feet under. He stood and waited beside Mimi, who took a moment to understand he wanted to be taken to a room.
“Well that's very good, sir. I'll just bring your dinner up to you in the suite. Would you like tea or coffee with that, sir?” she said in a tone that suggested this was a routine for her.
“Coffee will do nicely,” he said in his dangerous, but commanding tone, “I am tired and wish to turn in early, please have my dinner ready early.”
Mimi nodded and left to do as he asked, but not before accepting payment for the room, giving directions, and handing him a key. She hurried to the kitchen and began ladling the savory stew she had started making around afternoon into a bowl with a piece of warm, hard-crusted bread fresh from oven.
Even if her guest was a bit creepy, that didn't mean she wasn't going to treat him as good as possible. It wasn't right, in her opinion, for people who come to an inn and ask for service to be treated based on looks and personality. She wouldn't have cared if he had been seven feet tall and had a third eye peeping out of his forehead. She cared about everyone, that's just the way she was.
In Grimm's room she found him lying on his bed, shoes directly beside it, and reading a book that must have been in one of his numerous pockets. Now that she was more accustomed to the idea of having a customer after such a long lull in the tourism business, she took a better look at the boy. His clothes were travel-worn and had many patches and pockets dotting the simple green dyed pants. The shirt he wore was brown with many sewn rips and tears and he looked about two or three inches too tall for any of his clothes.
At least, Mimi thought she he looked up from his book, he's combed his hair. I'll see if I can draw him a bath later.
She set the tray holding his food on the small table by the bed. He sat up and said, rather stiffly,”Thank you, Mimi, that will be all.”
Mimi was on the verge of asking of he wanted her to draw him some bath water when he turned to look at her and seemed to look through her with his strange blue eyes.
“That will be all,” he repeated. There was a hidden edge in his voice that was almost imperceptible, but Mimi had caught it and wisely left the room after a shaky, “Yes, s-sir.”
As she beat a hasty retreat from the room, she realized that this was the only time she had ever feared for her life before. Mimi decided that she didn't like the feeling at and decided to be very cautious about what she brought him for breakfast in the morning.
The nest morning, Mimi awoke and immediately forgave the boy. After all, she reasoned with herself, he was barely older than a child, no matter how scary he sounded, he must have some reason behind his rude behavior.
Mimi went up to his room with a breakfast tray after finishing her morning chores and knocked at his door. She frowned when he didn't respond.
She knocked again, louder this time.
No answer.
She began to worry about the boy. What if he had caught sick during the night? What if he was sleeping too deeply to hear? What if he had rolled over in his sleep and suffocated on his pillow? She shuddered at the last one, picturing him blue and lifeless lying on the bed. She began to knock frantically on the door calling, “Grimm! Please, sir, answer me! I brought you some breakfast! Why don't you just open the door and you can sit down at the table downstairs?
Still no answer.
Finally, she set the tray down and abandoned all courtesy.
She opened the door to his room to find it empty with a note pinned to the pillow saying:
“Thank you, Miss Mimi, for your kindness. I have not been treated so well since the day my mother died. Thank you for making my day a little better. I hope to stay here for the remainder of the the time I paid you for on my return trip, if there is, indeed, a return trip.”
The Grimm young man
“Well I'll be,” Mimi said, “ I hope he comes back safe, that strange boy, the world will be short of another decent person if he doesn't.”
If only she knew....
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Heyy!! Forever here with a short review!
PLOT
The plot was quite interesting and I really liked the ambiguous ending you gave there. It lefts me wondering about who he actually was... I really don't know but it actually gives me a supernatural feeling and makes me think that this boy was not a human being but some sort of spirit. I can be tremendously wrong at this. This is just a guess of mine. I am also quite ager to know what really happened with his mother, if his father is alive and also what his condition was at that time. If I go with my theory, maybe people pained him emotionally and he died or something of that sort.
CHARACTERS
The characters were great. As for Mimi, I like her thoughts. She is quite different from the other people and never judges a person who is in need of something. I liked how she tried her best to stay calm and made herself to the service of the boy, Grimm. Despite her being a bit afraid of this boy(I wonder why she was afraid of a 16 year old boy), she doesn't deviate from her task. She also seems to be a bit afraid of deep voices, maybe I am not too sure about this but it's a bit strange that she is afraid of no one but a 16 year old boy. I like how worrued she was when Grimm was not opening the door. Now with Grimm. I feel pity for him because of his past. I really wonder what he was doing in this rain. There's no hint in the story. I would just like if you can provide a hint in it. Indirect mention of things is pretty fun to read and the mentions also help the story to make more sense and be a bit clearer to the readers.
Overall, I quite enjoyed reading the story.
Keep Writing!!
~Forever
i really enjoyed, i found it very interesting and was eager to find out what was to happen next. I would really like to know more about grimm's past and future. there was a few spelling and gramatical errors but apart form that it was really good!
This is amazing. There were a few errors/spelling mistakes but other then that your story is pretty fantastic. I'd love to know more about your "Grimm" character and his life before and after this part. Looking forward to more of your writing.
Sorry about the empty box earlier, it was a mistake.
I understand the mood you were trying to set but perhaps there was too much repetition on the point that his voice was edgy and commanding. You had me in anticipation for a second in the beginning but then you took it nowhere. The writing was a bit sloppy and ragged, consider revising.
Admirable vocabulary. Keep writing.