Horrors In the Castle

Hey there Juleza,
Myjaspercat here to review your piece

~Blood curdling screams coming from nowhere, a horrible beast feeding on humans, and my world turning into an endless pool of red...[new line] "Ahhhhhhhh!, [<-remove the comma] ”I shriek at the top of my lungs, flying open my eyes look fly open as I look around a my dark and familiar room.missing a space]With my eyes still wide and sweat running runs down the sides of my head and my trembling hand rests on my beating heart that feels as though it could burst at any moment. I cut out this last chunk because it's super cliché. Watch out for moments like that. [missing a space]As soon as I started to calm myself down, Bam! My door was is flung open so hard I couldn’t help but scream again once more,[<-replace comma with a period.] I for sure thought it would come off its hinges.missing a space]Suddenly Maids surround me,[remove comma] and my best friend Michael stands back knowing how useless it is to try and get to me now, but I see a look of worry on his face.[missing a space]At once questions were shot at me,[new line] “Princess! Are you harmed!?, Did you see a bug!?, Where’s the blood!?, [remove comma] ” I understand that you want to fully express the fact that the maids are concerned, but you need to choose either a question mark or exclamation mark. Preferably, you should go with the question marks. Anna, Marie and Bree say all at once[period] I can barely understand what they are they're asking, but I do know I am gaining a headache.Reword the ending of this sentence a bit. It sounds a bit odd.

~”What was with all that commotion in your sleeping chambers?” the king, We already know that she is the princess so it's pretty easy to connect that to her father being the king, there's no need to tell us.My father, questioned with a face of calmness although his brow was creased with that of fret.[New line]"missing a space]Do not Don't worry father, I am fine, just a nightmare is all,” I say calmly with a poker face,[<-replace comma with a period.] I truly hate causing others to worry, especially my already stressed father.[missing a space][new line]Giving me a look of concern concerned look he only gives a curt nod to my answer,[<-replace comma with a period][new line] I realize he doesn’t entirely believe me,”[missing a space]What?,[<-remove comma] I'm telling you it is nothing,” I add defensively. [new line]”[missing a space] Alright then,” he stands and walks to the large windows in my room,”[missing a space]You know Alexandra, sometimes it’s better to tell what troubles you rather than leaving you and How would you leave yourself in the dark? others in the dark,[<-replace comma with a period] ”[missing a space]With that said he makes his way to the door and gives giving me one more glance before leaving.[missing a space]Without realizing it How do you not realize getting dressed. I get that you're trying to show your readers that Alexandra was kind of zoning out, but saying that she didn't realize that she got dressed is a little weird. Maybe you could rewrite in a way that she felt like it was happening to someone other then herself.I was dressed in no time and when I came out of my zone phase I was speechless as I stared blankly at the now cold chicken soup my head maid cooked up for me,[<-replace comma with a period] I slowly closed my eyes and to think.

~”Hellooo?,[remove comma] Earth to Alexandra?,[remove comma] ” Michael waves a hand in front of my face, and although he is messing around I can sense the an air of worry around him,[replace comma with a period] Uncomfortable I begin to pick up the pace.[missing a space][replace period with a comma] but before I realize it he’s standing in front of me, the look of concern still in his eyes, “You may be here physically,...but your mind is wandering,” Michael says this softly.[new line] Stopping in front of him I thought Michael was now in front of Alexandra. When did she get back in font of him? I recall my father's words from earlier this morning, I sigh heavily, and I then stare at my childhood friend for what seems to be the longest time.[missing a space][new line]Making up my mind What did she have [COLOR=orange]to make her mind up about? [/COLOR]I ask him,[missing a space] ” Do you really want to know what’s going on with me?, [remove comma]What haunts my sleep every night since I was twelve?,”[remove comma][new line] With a stern look[comma] Michael looks me dead in the eye and only says,” Yes.”[new line] Taking a detour I notice that we’re not heading to the stables for my riding lesson, anymore but to our old hideout under the only apple tree, and with each step I felt feel like turning and running away for I have never told anyone of my recurring nightmare.

~As we made our way back towards the stables a foul stench arose in the air,[remove comma]causing me and Michael to looked at one another[comma] our pace slowing as we came closer to neared the stables entrance,[replace comma with a period] and that is That's when I saw it. My mouth opened and closed yet nothing comes came out,[replace comma with a period] As quick as he cancould Michael pulled me into his arms to try and hide the unruly sight before us but it’s was too late for what I have seen is the image was already etched into my mind,[replace comma with semi-colon] frightening and utterly horrible I feel felt as though I have had to puke.[missing a space]Bulging eyes, or rather eye, stick stuck out of his half smashed skull, the ground around him was decorated by a pool of his blood along with his organs loosely hanging out of his abdomen, I would suggest referencing the hanging organs before the blood.[COLOR=blue] I would also let your readers know it's a young man from the start too. [/COLOR][replace comma with a period] I happened to spot the young man's missing eye on the dirt floor and it seemed as though it were staring right at me.”[missing a space][new line] Alexandra look away from there!” Michael tells me crossly [comma] as he pulls me away and gives me to Mrs. Tepes, “TakeGet her to her room and take good care of her Mrs. T,”. Mrs. Tepes bowed then and dragged me from the scene as where my father and his guards have gathered, [replace comma with a period] Making my way up to my room, my legs felt like lead, heavy and hard to lift.


~Dressed into my favorite nightgown, wrapped in warm sheets and being given chamomile tea to calm down, my breathing finally returned to normal with my shock subsided.[missing a space]With all my might I tried to rid myself of what I've I had seen today, a spine-tingling sensation ran down my back to my toes then traveled back up.[missing a space]A knock came at the door,”[missing a space]C-come in!” I told the visitor, Unfortunately, if I was going to put on a brave face my unsteady voice gave me away, letting whoever it knows I'm still mortified by the scene.[missing a space]A looming figure walked in with heavy strides, and I know it's my father right away.[missing a space]Peering downwards to avoid his eyes, I waited for him to be the one to break the silence, however for the couple of minutes that has passed neither of us uttered a single word.

~”So you two just sat there in silence for fifteen minutes?” Anna asked me, her face puzzled as to why neither me or my father said a word.[missing a space][new line]I open one of my eyes and peer at her while giving a slow nod,“ I think he was just trying to comfort me in a way that doesn’t require words,”[missing a space]I quietly mumblemumbled quietly , and with a shrugging of my shoulders I closed my eye once again, the candlelight is making me dizzy.If you're going to have her close her eyes do to the candle light then you should mention it making her dizzy sooner, or you can just leave it off. [missing a space]I feel the blanket getting pulled up to my chin and before she leavesleft Anna tells me softlywhispered ,”[missing a space]Goodnight Alexandra,” and the small before putting out the candlelight I can see through my eyelids disappears, and [COLOR=]orange][period] [/COLOR]I fall into a restless sleep.[missing a space] Make the transition form her sleeping to her actually being in the dream a little bit smoother. Awaiting my usual nightmare, I noticed something different yet so very horribly familiar...[missing a space]I’m in my bedroom but there is a trail of something sticky and red on the floor leading towards my door.[missing a space]With a pounding heart and legs that feel as heavy as rocks I slowly make my way towards the door, I winced wincing as it made a long creaking sound,[period] I was afraid it’d let someone or something know I am was here,[period] When it all seemed clear I take the chance and followed the trail[comma] pulling a sword off the decoration in the hallway.

~Within a few more steps I see it, a monster with glowing maroon eyes,[period] It's jaws and ragged teeth were colored in bright red,[missing a space]and it had coarse fur that's[comma] mixed between blackish brown yetwhich mad it hard to tell when it's if it was matted with someone's blood.[missing a space]A scream started to riserose in my throat but I couldn’t get it outmy mouth to open, [replace comma with a period] Then out of nowhere a feeling of agitation which soon turned into anger within me made me blindly swing the sword at the massive creature,[replace comma with period] It reared on its hind legs and an opening appeared before me and so I took it.[new line] ”Wahhhhh!” I cry cried out,[replace comma with a period] Unfortunately I wasn’t quick enough and took a blow to the right side of my arm,[replace comma with a period] As it comes came closer I raised my arms over my head preparing myself for death yet[comma] two minutes passed and its jaws aren’t at weren't around my throat.[missing a space]Peeking out I realized it’s it was gone, confused I griped my injured arm and walked over to its the victim...Anna!, You should get rid of the ellipsis, they're wrongly placed. [remove comma] Falling to my knees I looked at the mess around me. A door and walls painted in bright red, pieces of her everywhere, even her face is barely recognizable.The ending of this is pretty cliché and kind of repetitive since you have pretty much used the same descriptions before.

~Waking with a rush[comma] I run ran out my bedroom door, hoping the nightmare was just a dream and not reality,[replace comma with a period] but As I came to that the end of the hallway what laid before me was the same scene in my new nightmare.”[missing a space][new line]Anna!, [remove comma]Anna!” I screamed at the top of my lungs, guards and my father rushed to my aid and Micheal comes came behind me, [replace comma with a period and start a new line]“ Alexandra what happened to your arm!?” he questioned, but I was too horror-stricken to answer and before I could do or say anything a treacherous inhuman roar comes from somewhere nearbyFind a better way of introducing this information .[missing a space]It moved in the shadows so quickly the guards couldn’t keep up with it, and one by one they fell, faces torn clean off…,[remove comma and start a new line] ”Gahhhh!” an agonized shout comes from my came from the left.[missing a space]I turn to see a monstrous arm going right through my father's body, his heart pumping and bleeding out in its hand.[missing a space]With my father's dying words, Micheal takes me away from the horrors in the castle, I'll always remember those hungry eyes.

OVERALL: This was a pretty rough piece but here's what you should look at--

1. Try not to change between past and present tense, when I went through and reviewed this piece I personally tried to stick with the past tense as to help you a little
2. When you have dialogue, you need to start a new line.
3. Show don't tell
4. Why do you have the little squiggly lines before the paragraphs? I'm guessing they're for transitions but they're not really doing a good job. That said, you need to work on the transitions of your story Right now it makes the work really difficult to follow.
5. You have a lot of run on sentences. I tried to fix that a bit.
6. Everything else should will be found in the line by line.

It was an interesting idea, yes, but it needs a lot of work. If you have questions feel free to ask, good luck.

Hey there! I really have enjoyed reading this, it's a great concept and I love how you have put it together.

First the criticism.

The first thing I noticed is this is a lot of long paragraphs. You should try to split these up more because it can make it harder for a reader to understand. Something that will help you with that is that every single time the speaker changes a new paragraph should be made.
Second, you are missing a lot of spaces after your punctuation, after every end quote, period, or comma there should be a space.
Third, you have a lot of run-ons, just split them up more.
Last, you switch between present and past tense a bit, I'm not sure which one you wanted to use so I didn't edit anything having to do with that

Here's the first paragraph as I would edit it, everything bolded I have changed

Blood-curdling screams coming from nowhere, a horrible beast feeding on humans, and my world turning into an endless pool of red…
”Ahhhhhhhh!,” I shriek at the top of my lungs. Flying open, my eyes look around a dark and familiar room.
With my eyes still wide and sweat running down the sides of my head, my trembling hands rest on my beating heart. It feels as though it could burst at any moment.
As soon as I started to calm myself down, Bam! My door was flung open so hard I couldn’t help but scream once more. I for sure thought it would come off its hinges. Suddenly maids surround me, and my best friend Michael stands back knowing how useless it is to try and get to me now, but I see a look of worry on his face. At once questions were shot at me.
“Princess! Are you harmed!?, Did you see a bug!?, Where’s the blood!?,” Anna, Marie and Bree say all at once I can barely understand what they are asking, but I do know I am gaining a headache.

I think you get the idea so I won't do every paragraph.

Now everything you did well!

As I said before this is very interesting and you bring it to life very well. It's also a good length for a short story and you don't go on about unnecessary stuff. Also, let me tell, you have both great descriptions and personalities for your characters. Even though it's short you sill give the reader a good idea of who they are. Good job!

I hope this is helpful to you.
Sláinte -Junel