Lost and confused,
Having so much to say,
but never did I speak,
In turn I became a short fuse,
All I could do was pray,
shutting my eyes tight, afraid the tears would leak.
Years then passed
One, two, and three,
Older now yet still I had no courage,
I tried to make peace between two sides, it didn't last
Still not free...
All around shadows pointed and never missed an opportunity disparage
Feeling awfully low,
four more years gone so fast,
My morale damaged to the core,
Now my life seems to go by slow,
I am always last,
My heart is tender and sore.
Until a new day begins,
A piece of advice was given,
What could be heard as simple words,
To me that simple advice gave new meaning to my life,
Hope flows into me, overpowering despair and wins,
Now with new found motivation I am driven,
My mouth opens and thoughts I've never spoken pour out, for the first time i'm heard.
Now in the present,
I am still a bit lost to be honest,
but I am also more happy then ever,
No longer in a black hole of torment,
I was a protagonist stuck in my own agonist,
I try to be more clever.
The time it took to gain spirit,
It took eight years,
For those eight years I fought myself,
Now at times I recite my pain as a lyric,
I no longer hold back my tears,
Sometimes you need aid from another to help thyself.
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Canary word: Present
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140,589 Literary Works • 673,542 Reviews
Hi there, welcome to YWS! Just a few thoughts on your first piece:
I thought you did good with the emotional charge here, the piece seemed very genuine.
One piece of critique I would give you is to try to lend a little bit more specificity to your poem so that readers can connect a bit more to the experience and have a better sense of the story as a whole. For instance, the speaker says "my mouth opens and thoughts I've never spoken pour out" and we have some sense that those thoughts and words are painful but as a reader we don't get what sort of pain it is, what is the source of this sadness, what is being said?
There's another section that talks about "always being last" but doesn't reference to what that's to. Giving some context to some of these emotions and statements would make the poem easier connect to and create a fuller picture.
Overall nice job in this piece, and I look forward to reading more of your work in the future!
If you have any questions about my review or about navigating YWS, please feel free to let me know, I'd be happy to help.
Best,
~alliyah
Hi Juleza! Welcome to YWS! Congrats on your first work!
Doing a first read of this, I noticed something was a bit off-kilter. Upon further examination, I realized that you switched tenses in the middle of the poem, which made it harder to follow.
Right here:
then you head back to past right here:
On the topic of tense, I think the poem would be more powerful if it was all in present tense, but that's a personal opinion.
I'm not quite sure if I think this poem is too long, but while reading it over, think about the significance of each line and if the line is necessary to include or if something better would replace it.
The descriptions didn't jump out at me in particular. I didn't feel the narrator's voice jump out at me. Usually, when you really get a feel for the narrator, you usually get some unique descriptions and a feel for the way that narrator speaks. I didn't get a strong sense of that. For a poem of this nature that is probably trying to grab the more emotional side of things, I think it's important to be able to connect and deeply understand what the character went through/is talking about.
I think this poem deals with an important topic that people, when caught up in the drama in life, seem to forget. Thanks for sharing your writing with us here at YWS
Keep writing!
~iamanaspiringwriter
Thank u for ur feedback, I appreciate it
And I'm glad u liked it lol